Chapter Two
A bright flashes of colour zoomed through my mind. People were screaming. I was walking to a place I could not see. I stumbled blindly towards my unknown goal; my hands searching the air for something that might help me know where I was and what I was doing. I could feel my breathing getting more and more frantic with every breath, my body sweating with stress and heat. All of a sudden, I could open my eyes. And all I could see was the dog. Its lilac eyes piercing and its teeth bared, snarling and snapping. I backed up, my hands held up in front of me in a peace making sign; the animal shook its head and lunged. My lips parted, and I screamed.
“Gypsy! Wake up! Gypsy!” Ryder’s voice broke through my nightmare; the man with the voice of an angel was calling to me. He sounded worried and alarmed. I responded. I sat up and gasped for air. “I think I'm going to be sick...” I mumbled, stumbling towards the bathroom. He did not stop me; he just followed me in, and held my hair back and rubbed my neck. When I started to get up after heaving my insides out, he offered a hand, which I briskly pushed away. I went over to the sink, rinsed my mouth out and brushed my teeth. The mint flavour made my head stop spinning, allowing my vision to return.
I could feel my knee’s trembling and Ryder’s sure and strong arms picking me up when I was shaking so much I could not see anymore or be able to walk in a straight line. “What was that?” he asked while tucking me into the bed, a worried look on his faultless face. He was always worried about my saftey. He was very nice to me, even though we had just met. I felt like i had known Ryder for years. He watched me with such concern. I was almost certain if it came to it, He would fight to the death for me.
I just shook my head, not knowing what to say, or what would come out of my mouth if I did open it. His eyes tightened and his lips went taut, almost as if he knew what I was thinking. I let my eyes droop and when I thought I would never sleep, I finally drifted off into a dreamless slumber.
It was morning when I awoke. Streams of gold, crimson and pink flowed into my room, giving it glorious colour from its usually icy and refreshed white. I did not sit up, I just scanned the room; wanting to make sure Ryder had kept his promise and stayed. I was glad to see he had. He was slumped in his chair, his blanket draped over him. Sleep gave his demeanour a child like innocence, it was so unlike his worrying and silent one he usually occupied. I silently got up and used the toilet and shower, and put on new clothes and a white cardigan he had set on the bench top in the bathroom. It smelled like roses, that reminded me of home. My mother’s favourite perfume had smelled just like it. I stood in front of the glass, gazing out to the sea, reliving long lost memories when a pair of arms wrapped around my waist. “Good Morning. How are you?” I smiled but did not turn around. A smug look crossed my face as I spoke. “I’ve had better, I have to say.” He chuckled in my ear; the most beautiful composition by the best composer could never match his laugh. “Yes, I’ve had better too. Are you still feeling ill?” Concern flooded his voice and I could feel his muscles in his arms when they tightened around me. “I'm feeling fine, dreams do that to me sometimes, especially when they are as vivid as those ones.”
“You have had something like this before?” Ryder asked.
I nodded. “Yes, when I was younger. I went to see a specialist and everything, nobody knew why. But as I got older, they stopped. I haven’t dreamt like that since I was 10...” I could feel my eyebrows rising at the thought of the problem. I turned around in his arms and put my arms around his neck. “Don’t worry about it though. It is probably nothing, that animal just frightened me. That is all. Now what’s for breakfast?” His eyes were far off, but when I mentioned food, they came, straight back to reality with a little bit too much enthusiasm then needed. “Oh…um I hadn’t thought about it…do you want to get it your self? I have some things that need attending too.” He looked stumped, staring at his hands around my waist as he spoke, when he finished his glorious eyes looked into mine and looked apologetic. I saw that he was hiding something, but I did not press any further. I would find out what it was for myself later. “Yeah, no problem,” I smiled. “I’m sure I can find something.” He nodded, and held my hand for a moment then let go. “Good. I wont be out long. If anyone comes to the door. Do not answer it; if it is me I will say so.” I smiled and looked deep into his eyes, “Sure thing Ryder. You can trust me.” His mouth twitched and his perfect lips parted into a full-blown grin. On anyone else, this type of smile would have looked cheesy beyond belief, but on him, it only made him more perfect (If that were even possible). He lent forward, my heart started to race at a million miles an hour, my blood rushed to my cheeks, and my usual golden tone turned a tinted golden pink. He kissed me on the forehead and sighed. I tried to hide my disappointment. But I failed dismally. He looked at me lovingly and held my face in between his hands. “We have plenty of time for that, no need to hurry, and I barely know you yet. Maybe it would help if you told me a little about yourself?” I looked at him, in defeat but saw his point clear as day. My lips pouted and I let out a disgruntled sigh. “Well, my name is Gypsy Michaels. I am 17 years old. I grew up in Melbourne and I was modeling the day of the explosion. I lived with my parents and I'm of American Indian heritage and yeah that is it… I do have some questions for you though….” His eyes showed instant panic but were quickly shadowed by an emotionless mask of collect. I looked down at my hands, twirling them and twining them in embarrassment. The rebuff was something I was expecting but it still hurt just the same. “I can tell you about myself. I just was not expecting you to ask so soon that is all. What would you like to know?” I thought about that for a moment, a crease formed in between my eyebrows from my concentration. “I want to know the basics at the moment…you know like what I just told you.” He nodded slowly and his grave eyes met mine. “Well, my name is Ryder Cook, I am 19 years old and I was born in London but moved to Melbourne when I was 18 years old. I never knew my parents, just my grandfather. I inherited his house here when he died.” He gestured to the room around him “Of course, I did some refurnishing and got the old man smell out. And I was under here when the explosion happened and I was searching…for…for survivors when you saw me. I did not think anybody was still alive. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting someone who...was still alive.” He smiled and got up to walk over to the glass, we had migrated to sitting on the floor and the intensity of what we were talking about had become too much for him. “Thank you. I was not expecting you to tell me so much when we have not known each other for long at all. Means something.” A surprised smirk lit his face as I spoke. “No. Thank you. Im glad I can understand you better. Gives me a better grip on who the real Gypsy is. I feel like i can say almost anything to you. You have come here and accepted all of this graciously without asking questions. Its odd, but i like it.” His words were heartfelt. I could tell. Ryder turned around, “There is more you should know about me…about my family and my past," There is more you should know about me.. about my family and my past,” he paused, his whole body avoided telling me anything else, “but that will come later. Ok?” I forced a smile to hid my suspicion. I could tell by the way he held himself that I was going to have to remind him to tell me more; he was obviously uncomfortable with this subject. I got up off the floor and walked away into the kitchen, leaving him standing in the far end of the room watching me walk away.
It was easy enough to find the necessary breakfast materials pan, eggs, toast and some vegetable oil. The frying and sizzling sound was calming and made me forget for a second where I was and what I was doing. After a few minutes of cooking, I flipped everything onto the plate beside me and dug in. It tasted good, but I was thirsty so I walked over to the massive fridge and found myself some freshly squeezed orange juice. I gulped it down and poured myself another glass. When I was done I felt more useless than normal, so I washed the dishes myself. When I was finished, I sat there and did not know what to do. The place did not need cleaning; it was surreally, unnaturally clean twenty-four-seven. And there was no gardening needed because there was not a garden, just a cliff face and glass. I decided to watch a movie, so I walked out and grabbed the first thing that was in my within reach. It was a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher & Brittany Snow. Just Married it was called. It was entertaining and I enjoyed myself until I was sleepy. I finally gave up against my droopy lids and slid into a gentle slumber.
A light was pulsing behind my lids, like a flashlight in a blackout. Then something was gently poking me and calling my name. I opened my black-lash surrounded ocher eyes and saw Ryder’s face in the torchlight. “Ryder?...What’s going on?” His hand clamped over my lips so I could not say another word and he motioned me to be quiet. I could feel his tensed body curved around mine, protecting me from the unknown danger. I looked up at his face, and wished I could see it. But I could feel the waves of stress and anger radiating off him. I thought of the dog again and I shuddered into his chest. His arms tightened around me and I felt something softly press to my hair. Then it happened. There was a crash, bang of light and I was knocked to the ground, one hundred meters away. Ryder was gone and a wild snarling was all I could hear. I fumbled around in the dark, and found the flash light. I had to duck my head as a shower of concrete The dog with the violet eyes and chocolate fur, the very same dog I thought I saw in front of my bedroom door on my first morning here was back, this time it was fighting another of it’s kind.In the corner, snarling and dripping water. Its snow-white fur and ice blue eyes pierced through me and seared my innocence with pure and unmasked hatred. I let out a terrified whimper but knew I had to do something. There was some rather large piece’s of concrete around me. I had never been very good at sports but I hoped my throwing skills had improved as I picked up a concrete shard - the urge to protect those knowing violet eyes overcame me as I threw the concrete as hard as I could at the terrifying white creature. It hit the animal on the head and confused him for a moment, stumbling backwards into the wall looking dazed. There was another loud bang, the snowy dog was flown into the air by the chocolate furred one, and it became an un-moving heap of white on the ground. The chocolate dog turned around and looked me deeply with its beautiful amethyst eyes. I some how trusted the dog, it jerking its head towards my room, and I got up and sprinted there, water filling my eyes and my body shaking. When I was there I ran to my bed, grabbed a blanket, went, and hid in the corner of the room under it. There was a screeching sound and then a blood-curdling howl. Then quiet, an eerie quiet that only happens in horror movies when you think the bad is over, but really, it is only just beginning. I heard my door creak and some feet padding their way over but there were too many footsteps for it to be human. I cringed into the blanket and I felt the bedspread being peeled away from my terrified clutch. The chocolate dog-wolf was standing in front of me, whimpering softly and its eye’s showing pain. Out of nowhere, the dog collapsed onto the ground, another bright flash of light and the dog disappeared. In its place, was a bruised and unconscious Ryder.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm going to break you're paragraphs up for you.
Chapter Two
A bright flashes of colour zoomed through my mind. People were screaming. I was walking to a place I could not see. I stumbled blindly towards my unknown goal; my hands searching the air for something that might help me know where I was and what I was doing.
I could feel my breathing getting more and more frantic with every breath, my body sweating with stress and heat. All of a sudden, I could open my eyes. And all I could see was the dog. Its lilac eyes piercing and its teeth bared, snarling and snapping. I backed up, my hands held up in front of me in a peace making sign; the animal shook its head and lunged. My lips parted, and I screamed.
“Gypsy! Wake up! Gypsy!” Ryder’s voice broke through my nightmare; the man with the voice of an angel was calling to me. He sounded worried and alarmed. I responded. I sat up and gasped for air.
“I think I'm going to be sick...” I mumbled, stumbling towards the bathroom. He did not stop me; he just followed me in, and held my hair back and rubbed my neck. When I started to get up after heaving my insides out, he offered a hand, which I briskly pushed away. I went over to the sink, rinsed my mouth out and brushed my teeth. The mint flavour made my head stop spinning, allowing my vision to return.
I could feel my knee’s trembling and Ryder’s sure and strong arms picking me up when I was shaking so much I could not see anymore or be able to walk in a straight line.
“What was that?” he asked while tucking me into the bed, a worried look on his faultless face. He was always worried about my saftey. He was very nice to me, even though we had just met. I felt like i had known Ryder for years. He watched me with such concern. I was almost certain if it came to it, He would fight to the death for me.
I just shook my head, not knowing what to say, or what would come out of my mouth if I did open it. His eyes tightened and his lips went taut, almost as if he knew what I was thinking. I let my eyes droop and when I thought I would never sleep, I finally drifted off into a dreamless slumber.
It was morning when I awoke. Streams of gold, crimson and pink flowed into my room, giving it glorious colour from its usually icy and refreshed white. I did not sit up, I just scanned the room; wanting to make sure Ryder had kept his promise and stayed.
I was glad to see he had. He was slumped in his chair, his blanket draped over him. Sleep gave his demeanour a child like innocence, it was so unlike his worrying and silent one he usually occupied. I silently got up and used the toilet and shower, and put on new clothes and a white cardigan he had set on the bench top in the bathroom.
It smelled like roses, that reminded me of home. My mother’s favourite perfume had smelled just like it. I stood in front of the glass, gazing out to the sea, reliving long lost memories when a pair of arms wrapped around my waist.
“Good Morning. How are you?” I smiled but did not turn around. A smug look crossed my face as I spoke.
“I’ve had better, I have to say.” He chuckled in my ear; the most beautiful composition by the best composer could never match his laugh.
“Yes, I’ve had better too. Are you still feeling ill?” Concern flooded his voice and I could feel his muscles in his arms when they tightened around me.
“I'm feeling fine, dreams do that to me sometimes, especially when they are as vivid as those ones.”
“You have had something like this before?” Ryder asked.
I nodded. “Yes, when I was younger. I went to see a specialist and everything, nobody knew why. But as I got older, they stopped. I haven’t dreamt like that since I was 10...” I could feel my eyebrows rising at the thought of the problem. I turned around in his arms and put my arms around his neck.
“Don’t worry about it though. It is probably nothing, that animal just frightened me. That is all. Now what’s for breakfast?” His eyes were far off, but when I mentioned food, they came, straight back to reality with a little bit too much enthusiasm then needed.
“Oh…um I hadn’t thought about it…do you want to get it your self? I have some things that need attending too.” He looked stumped, staring at his hands around my waist as he spoke, when he finished his glorious eyes looked into mine and looked apologetic. I saw that he was hiding something, but I did not press any further. I would find out what it was for myself later.
“Yeah, no problem,” I smiled. “I’m sure I can find something.” He nodded, and held my hand for a moment then let go.
“Good. I wont be out long. If anyone comes to the door. Do not answer it; if it is me I will say so.”
I smiled and looked deep into his eyes, “Sure thing Ryder. You can trust me.” His mouth twitched and his perfect lips parted into a full-blown grin. On anyone else, this type of smile would have looked cheesy beyond belief, but on him, it only made him more perfect (If that were even possible).
He lent forward, my heart started to race at a million miles an hour, my blood rushed to my cheeks, and my usual golden tone turned a tinted golden pink. He kissed me on the forehead and sighed. I tried to hide my disappointment. But I failed dismally.
He looked at me lovingly and held my face in between his hands. “We have plenty of time for that, no need to hurry, and I barely know you yet. Maybe it would help if you told me a little about yourself?”
I looked at him, in defeat but saw his point clear as day. My lips pouted and I let out a disgruntled sigh. “Well, my name is Gypsy Michaels. I am 17 years old. I grew up in Melbourne and I was modeling the day of the explosion. I lived with my parents and I'm of American Indian heritage and yeah that is it… I do have some questions for you though….”
His eyes showed instant panic but were quickly shadowed by an emotionless mask of collect. I looked down at my hands, twirling them and twining them in embarrassment. The rebuff was something I was expecting but it still hurt just the same.
“I can tell you about myself. I just was not expecting you to ask so soon that is all. What would you like to know?” I thought about that for a moment, a crease formed in between my eyebrows from my concentration.
“I want to know the basics at the moment…you know like what I just told you.” He nodded slowly and his grave eyes met mine.
“Well, my name is Ryder Cook, I am 19 years old and I was born in London but moved to Melbourne when I was 18 years old. I never knew my parents, just my grandfather. I inherited his house here when he died.”
He gestured to the room around him “Of course, I did some refurnishing and got the old man smell out. And I was under here when the explosion happened and I was searching…for…for survivors when you saw me. I did not think anybody was still alive. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting someone who...was still alive.”
He smiled and got up to walk over to the glass, we had migrated to sitting on the floor and the intensity of what we were talking about had become too much for him.
“Thank you. I was not expecting you to tell me so much when we have not known each other for long at all. Means something.” A surprised smirk lit his face as I spoke.
“No. Thank you. Im glad I can understand you better. Gives me a better grip on who the real Gypsy is. I feel like i can say almost anything to you. You have come here and accepted all of this graciously without asking questions. Its odd, but i like it.”
His words were heartfelt. I could tell. Ryder turned around, “There is more you should know about me…about my family and my past," he paused, his whole body avoided telling me anything else, “but that will come later. Ok?”
I forced a smile to hid my suspicion. I could tell by the way he held himself that I was going to have to remind him to tell me more; he was obviously uncomfortable with this subject. I got up off the floor and walked away into the kitchen, leaving him standing in the far end of the room watching me walk away.
It was easy enough to find the necessary breakfast materials pan, eggs, toast and some vegetable oil. The frying and sizzling sound was calming and made me forget for a second where I was and what I was doing. After a few minutes of cooking, I flipped everything onto the plate beside me and dug in.
It tasted good, but I was thirsty so I walked over to the massive fridge and found myself some freshly squeezed orange juice. I gulped it down and poured myself another glass. When I was done I felt more useless than normal, so I washed the dishes myself.
When I was finished, I sat there and did not know what to do. The place did not need cleaning; it was surreally, unnaturally clean twenty-four-seven. And there was no gardening needed because there was not a garden, just a cliff face and glass. I decided to watch a movie, so I walked out and grabbed the first thing that was in my within reach.
It was a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher & Brittany Snow. Just Married it was called. It was entertaining and I enjoyed myself until I was sleepy. I finally gave up against my droopy lids and slid into a gentle slumber.
A light was pulsing behind my lids, like a flashlight in a blackout. Then something was gently poking me and calling my name. I opened my black-lash surrounded ocher eyes and saw Ryder’s face in the torchlight. “Ryder?...What’s going on?”
His hand clamped over my lips so I could not say another word and he motioned me to be quiet. I could feel his tensed body curved around mine, protecting me from the unknown danger. I looked up at his face, and wished I could see it. But I could feel the waves of stress and anger radiating off him.
I thought of the dog again and I shuddered into his chest. His arms tightened around me and I felt something softly press to my hair. Then it happened. There was a crash, bang of light and I was knocked to the ground, one hundred meters away.
Ryder was gone and a wild snarling was all I could hear. I fumbled around in the dark, and found the flash light. I had to duck my head as a shower of concrete The dog with the violet eyes and chocolate fur, the very same dog I thought I saw in front of my bedroom door on my first morning here was back, this time it was fighting another of it’s kind.
In the corner, snarling and dripping water. Its snow-white fur and ice blue eyes pierced through me and seared my innocence with pure and unmasked hatred. I let out a terrified whimper but knew I had to do something. There was some rather large piece’s of concrete around me.
I had never been very good at sports but I hoped my throwing skills had improved as I picked up a concrete shard - the urge to protect those knowing violet eyes overcame me as I threw the concrete as hard as I could at the terrifying white creature.
It hit the animal on the head and confused him for a moment, stumbling backwards into the wall looking dazed. There was another loud bang, the snowy dog was flown into the air by the chocolate furred one, and it became an un-moving heap of white on the ground.
The chocolate dog turned around and looked me deeply with its beautiful amethyst eyes. I some how trusted the dog, it jerking its head towards my room, and I got up and sprinted there, water filling my eyes and my body shaking. When I was there I ran to my bed, grabbed a blanket, went, and hid in the corner of the room under it.
There was a screeching sound and then a blood-curdling howl. Then quiet, an eerie quiet that only happens in horror movies when you think the bad is over, but really, it is only just beginning. I heard my door creak and some feet padding their way over but there were too many footsteps for it to be human.
I cringed into the blanket and I felt the bedspread being peeled away from my terrified clutch. The chocolate dog-wolf was standing in front of me, whimpering softly and its eye’s showing pain. Out of nowhere, the dog collapsed onto the ground, another bright flash of light and the dog disappeared. In its place, was a bruised and unconscious Ryder.
This is a run on & it doesn't make much sense.
I could feel my knee's tremble as I tried to complete a straight line towards my bed. Ryder's sure and strong arms picked me before gravity got the best of me. “What was that?” he asked while tucking me into the bed, a worried look on his faultless face.
Much better!
I like this one!
This is new? I still feel like it's not enough though, for that paragraph my previous comments still stand.
Oops, you cut out part of your sentence.
I had to duck my head as a shower of concrete fell around me.
You need to add a space at the start of that last sentence, it's also a little too short.
The dog with the violet eyes and chocolate fur, the very same dog I thought I saw in front of my bedroom door on my first morning here was back. This time it was fighting another of it’s kind - in the corner, snarling and dripping wet from the rain outside.
I had no clue why the dog was wet so I just made that last thing up, you can change it according to the truth. It was just too short, you can change it around just make it longer, describe why it's dripping water.
Good job on the reinforcing it was the same dog=]
She's not exactly taking a stroll in the park, this one sounds to casual.
I frantically scattered my hands on the ground, ignoring the cuts I was inflicting. I couldn't take my eyes away from the fight but I continued searching for a large piece of concrete, one I could throw.
looked me deeply?
That makes no sense to me, maybe get a second person to check that one.
What are you trying to say? looking at somebody deeply.. deeply what?
Avoid the "I some how", people don't just "some how" trust, there's an explanation behind it.
Despite the inhuman (vicious, however you want to describe that fight) fight I just witnessed his eyes comforted me - I trusted this dog. I felt safe, he jerked his head towards my room and without hesitation I got up and sprinted there, water filling my eyes and my body shaking.
I like this description.
Umm.. Which is it? Dog or wolf? When I picture a dog I picture my skinny black lab, when I picture wolf I think of something strong and dangerous - even beautiful, if described right.
Really? Was it just his eyes that showed pain? He just got in a pretty bad fight, and she was there for it all. I added a suggested sentence about her cutting her hands, I'm also assuming she had dust from the concrete all over and he probably had it all over him. Little things like that can be good to describe.
I know in the 3rd chapter you say he had broken ribs, but your looking at him right now, why not mention some cuts. I'm sure her blankets dirty now too. Ha-ha, OK, I'm getting carried away, you get it. Paint a picture!
'A' is singular, 'flashes' is plural.
This sentence is longer then it needs to be. Try and keep one idea to a sentence, here you have:
1) Her knees trembling,
2) being picked up
3) unable to walk.
I would write it like this:
My knees trembled under me. I froze as I felt arms encircle me, picking me up effortlessly from the floor. I considered struggling, but I wasn't sure I could walk straight, and submitted to Ryder's help.
Too much feeling, too hard, too fast. They haven't even really talked yet. So let them have a connection, let him be concerned, but don't go overboard at this stage. The best romances always build up slow. ^_^
I prefer : "It smelled like my mother's favourite perfume."
*raises eyebrow* Um, okay, I would freak out. She's only just met him, she doesn't know the first thing about him, and hugs from behind are rather intimate, you have to trust the hugger won't do something while you are unguarded, lol.
I would suggest you change one of the compositions. Maybe the most beautiful song/music/piece?
How were his eyes glorious? Show him to us, we want to see what all the fuss is about! :p
He said it! ><; Usually people are more...cautious, this early.
Hrrm. It's basic information, something I would tell someone when I met them. Why does she thank him so profusely for so little?
....Uh, accepted all of what? It's not like he told her he was a werewolf, or something... just, you know, everyday information.
I'm reading double! Lol.
Besides that, why would he even say that? It would just make things awkward. It's basically saying "There's something shocking about me that maybe you won't like but I'm not telling you." And would make the situation worse for both of them.
She was just having nightmares about it, so make this transition more clear. Explain how and why her feelings have changed.
Overall, the relationship seems a little forced, and is trundling along too fast. What makes Romance so good is making your reader want to see the characters get together, and adding to the anticipation slowly, so they get a sense of happiness and almost relief when they do. It's all about envoking emotions, and if it trundles along too fast, your readers will be left confused in the dust, scrambling to keep up.
Also, the dialogue needs some work. Think about what you would say in your character's shoes, or what a friend would say.
But keep working on it- it seems to be going somewhere interesting. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. ^_^
-Nutty
You're taking this down a really good path, I like the plot so far, I just wish you would make their relationship a little better, you'll see what I mean by my comments below.
I'll leave the grammar editing to you. I'm just looking out for the random stuff, and structure, along with facts.
The last part and to be able to see sounds like forced information.
The mint flavour made my head stop spinning, allowing my vision to return.
You need to show it more, so far she’s been sleeping, and he feed her and has a habit of carrying her to her bed. You may know your characters really well and the reasons behind their actions but the readers don’t.
Sure you don’t have to give away the why completely but showing us more of how he’s protective would be nice before you pointed out, because right now as a reader I’m jumping to that conclusion that he is just kind and is trying to take care of her, NOT protective really, because he hasn’t had to protect her from anything, he’s just saved her from wondering a destroyed world.
Sleep gave his demeanour a child like innocence, it was so unlike his worrying and silent one he usually occupied..
Try: It smelled like roses, which reminded me of home
or
It smelled like roses, that reminded me of home.
Like I’ve said before their relationship has come so close without caution in anyway, they don’t know each other because you never have them talk, I know you said that they FEEL like they’ve known each other but even to get that feeling you should have some conversation. It feels to fast and although I’m happy for Gypsy it seems to unrealistic. There has to be a building of these emotions and feelings.
See now, this is something I can see. When he’s going to leave her alone in the hatch I could see him maybe touching her arm then sliding it down to hold her hand. That is sweet and realistic for the amount of character development you’ve given.
I thought it was just a hatch? And he had no problems opening himself the first time, maybe just have him tell her not to answer the door if anybody comes because he’s the only person that can open it or something.
OH YAY! A point I’ve been waiting for. This should come earlier so you can have that building, show how they both feel that way but because they don't know each other they wait.
Why didn’t he expect her to ask so soon? And I’m not the only one that should be wondering this, she should be too.
I didn’t feel he was being “so honest” they were just exchanging facts, maybe if you wanted the reader to feel like he was being so honest (because right now I think she's ridiculous) try talking about what he expected to find with a better description, more detailed, more emotion to show how it was so honest, right now that first part seems like a lie.
Also how can he understand her so much better? She just told him the basics.
I feel this whole past was over exaggerated.
Good job with the first part, the reader wants to know more is coming.
I don’t think she should of felt like he wasn’t going to tell her because you didn’t make it seem like he was. If you want her to have that reaction you have to show why.
There is more you should know about me.. about my family and my past,” he paused, his whole body avoided telling me anything else, “but that will come later. Ok?” I forced a smile to hid my suspicion. I could tell by the way he held himself that I was going to have to remind him to tell me more; he was obviously uncomfortable with this subject.
Something like that would make more sense.
When I was done I felt more useless than normal, so I washed the dishes myself.
or
When I began rinsing my dishes I felt useless - was this all I count contribute? I ended up washing all of the dishes, trying to rid myself of the feeling that I was inadequate.
Your sentence felt choppy.
This is perfect!!! I think if you had the hand grabbing I mentioned above and this as the first time they were physically close it would be sooooo good! A million times better and more believable!!!!! LOVE IT.
The dog with the violet eyes and chocolate fur, the very same dog I thought I saw in the kitchen my first morning here was back, this time it was fighting another of it’s kind.
Make it so people know it’s that same dog.
Why did she need to throw something at the white dog and not the other one?
You should explain to the reader this situation a little better, even if you say
I had never been very good at sports but I hoped my throwing skills had improved as I picked up a concrete shard - the urge to protect those knowing violet eyes overcame me as I threw the concrete as hard as I could at the terrifying white creature.
This explains her feelings at the moment, the feelings that led to her protecting the brown dog instead of the other one. It's important especially because just the other night she was having nightmares about this dog and she was crying about it so I was thinking: why on earth would she? Obviously i had my suspicions it was Ryder, but by how scared she was of it i thought she had no idea, so i found it weird for her to protect it.
You don’t need to say it’s brown, we already know that by the chocolate description.
Love what you’ve done to describe the fight between the two dogs, work on making their relationship more realistic.
CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE... hehe like usual.
-Telina.