Published January 11, 2006
this is my first ever poem so constructive and honest feedback would be good!
A Land where the skies are as blue as the seas,
A Land where man walk free as the brisk breeze,
A Land where one can live a life of harmony and laughter,
And a land of peace and love to rest thereafter.
What is this here of destruction and fear?
Man becoming bitter as the taste of the tear,
Lets hault this, revolt and become our own jury,
And restore a land of beauty and glory.......
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thanks for the feedback - wasn't too sure about it but i just penned it in a few minutes and was just looking for a bit feedback/advice. cheers
It was ok, but nothing special. The rhyming could be improved on, but since I never used that system I can't help much there. Maybe extend it a little bit too. Feels a bit empty the way it is, and when you have a message like this you really need to have a solid piece of writing. Just that little bit more can make all the difference.
Nice work, nevertheless.
Nice rhyming!
A Land where man walk free as the brisk breeze,
I think if you took out the brisk, and changed man to men it would flow better.
And a land of peace and love to rest thereafter,
Since this is the last line in a stanza, and the next one begins a new sentence, you should make the comma at the end into a period.
Yeah, thats all I really have, except you could use a BIT less periods at the end. Like one, for example, lol. Cute peacy poem.