the laddering of my ribs creak
like water-stained cherrywood stairs;
tread lightly, lest you
stir the dust and the ghosts
that dwell underfoot,
‘neath the cracked floorboards
of my skin.
i have but a simple request:
rid yourself of your lungs
and fill up the empty spaces
with used coffee filters,
crinkled wrapping paper, and
forlorn hope. do
cast aside
the shroud of indecision?, for
that winding sheet will only
hold you down between
your shoulderblades, like
framed butterflies pinned on paper
with needles of stone and salt.
stay with me tonight.
we will be taxidermy birds
on marionette strings
with crumbled concrete
between our talons,
the afterimages
of neon diner signs
stamped into our inner eyelids
oscillating, phantasmic.
we'll sing elegies in spring
rock sugar on our tongues—
there are staves of music
written in the lining of your mouth
and in the webbing of your hands
––as Sappho might say:
girls, sweet-voiced.
oh! but to think
that the starfire in your eyes
could be extinguished
by the tears you shed;
i’ll return my heart to the constellations
for you
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139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
Hi, georgeharrisons!
Aislynn here with a review! =D It's been a while!
Ooh, this is gorgeous! I really love how vivid this poem feels! I thought that the imagery was constantly surprising, but it all circles the same feeling of wanting someone to stay. I liked “stay with me tonight” for that reason, because everything around it is so elaborate, then suddenly the narrator just says exactly what they want. I love that the general idea behind that line doesn’t just disappear elsewhere, either. The poem keeps becoming so full of objects, spaces, and things that showcase that belief of the narrator.
I also LOVE the diner imagery. The “afterimages / of neon diner signs / stamped into our inner eyelids” is so vivid! It suddenly brings this really modern light into a poem that otherwise has ghosts, shrouds, elegies, constellations, and Sappho. I think that collision is one of the strongest things here! I felt very drawn to this because it seems to capture very opposing points in time, ancient and contemporary at once. You have this grand romantic language right beside coffee filters and concrete, which keeps it from becoming too ethereal, haha!
If I were revising anything, I’d mostly look at places where the imagery becomes a bit dense. I do think there are a couple places where I stumbled a little! For example: “do / cast aside / the shroud of indecision?” feels syntactically strange to me, especially with the question mark. I don't see why that is a question! I’m not sure whether the narrator is commanding the person to cast it aside or genuinely asking whether they will.
The Sappho reference is lovely too, though I’d consider whether you want that allusion to play a larger role in the poem or remain a brief aside. I do like the role that Sappho plays as a vehicle into another thought, though! There’s a gradual expansion happening there that I really like: house, body, diner, music, stars. By the ending, the relationship has become cosmic! That is a nice way to describe love, assumedly queer/WLW love. I think that, with that understanding, I view the poem through a whole new lens.
Overall, I really love this poem! It feels romantic without being conventionally romantic, my favorite kind of love poem. And that ending is lovely! There’s something heartbreaking about offering your heart back to something unreachable just for another person. Beautiful! =D
Aislynn <333