Young Writers Society

I only have one comment about this one.

Honestly, I LOVED IT. It's beautiful and perfect. It has imagery, it has character, it makes you stop and think. It's EXACTLY how flash fiction should be. It does its job and does it perfectly. In a short space, you've really created a sense of empathy (and some good setting, too). I found the piece really touching.

The ONE thing that *I* would have preferred would have been a different POV. Second person is strange and tricky, very non-mainstream, and no matter how much people try to be clever with it, I ALWAYS end up feeling like it was a gimmick. I dislike the second person because I feel like it's trying to shove the message down my throat. Let ME decide how I feel about the girl and the rocks. The narrator isn't me. By using second person, it feels like you're assuming actions/reactions/decisions on my part.

I think this piece would be absolutely perfect with a first person narrator. I considered third person, so you could describe more (I pictured maybe a thin, business-like man in his thirties), but I actually much prefer it being left open. I think a first person narrator is perfect because it allows them to be a vessel for the story, without you defining them as anything specific with regards to age, gender, etc. So it would still achieve the same purpose, but without the annoying parts of second person. 100% would recommend changing all the "you"s to "I"s.

Otherwise, fantastic work!

Hi geoffles, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Title: The title Dragon Rocks was a wonderful title for this story. It was intriguing and made me want to read the story. It matches the story concept really well and just is a really good title.

Plot: The story plot is simple and yet sweet with that twist of fantasy mixed with real day life. At first I thought the plot would be to simple to be interesting, but slowly you won me over with the innocence of the story and the message of how we should all hang on to our fantasies.

Characters: The narrator in this story was really good. You could see what the world looked like through the grown ups eyes and how the little girl looked so innocent. I liked how you gave that feeling of regret for loosing the egg and how you had the narrator wonder what would have happened if he hadn't lost the egg.

Description: I'd say that the only place where you were lacking in was the description. You did describe the rocks, but I would like a bit more of a picture of the world surrounding the characters. Just a bit more on the sounds, smells and sights.

Grammar and Punctuation: As far as grammar and punctuation goes, I couldn't find anything wrong.

Overall this was a great story and I hope to see more from you soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Your friend, Felistia.

Hey, it's Alice here to review.

Immediately I noticed that you had very small paragraphs but as I started reading, I noticed that it actually gave suspense and just improved the work. Usually I'd give the advice to not break up the paragraphs so small but really this is great. I love your dialogue and the girl reminded me of Aya Stark from Game of Thrones (one of my favorite TV shows). The way you write is really so engaging. The idea of the dragons and everything, it's so creative. I don't normally fawn over authors in reviews but oh my god. Just this was really good. I don't have anything else to tell you and I'm sorry I could help improve your short.

Alice

That was amazing, I really badly want to read more. Especially with that cliffhanger. And the fact that you used 2nd person without making it a choose your own path story wow... im speechless

2nd Person POV for the win!

Dang. That ending really just killed me. You left the reader craving more, which is thoroughly impressive.

I don't know if there is much to improve, except to make the part where she is dropping the Dragons onto the ground, more intense. Making that a little more stormy and nerve racking because I'm sure that's what you were going for. The little girl is an interesting character. Expanding her would only improve the work, but its not really necessary.

The only thing I can suggest is varying the nicknames of the little girl. You could use kiddo, or if you wanted to get a little sweeter, hun, sweetheart, darlin', or so forth. Anything you would call a little kid you didn't really know.

That was some character. She definitely caught my interest. Very well done. I liked that it was in 2nd person. You did a great job with that. Not many people can do that. Also, in was in present tense, which I love. You have a great writing style. I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, so I think you're good. Dang this is definitely one of my favorite pieces on this site. Two thumbs up.

EverWinter