The pull was stronger now, that constant urging of her internal compass had grown from a slight irritation to an almost physical command. Kizzy grit her teeth and shoved trembling hands deep into her pockets. The tour guide droned on, expounding upon the history of the catacombs. Letting her steps get slower and slower, Kizzy drifted to the back of the group. A chattering English couple hurried past, not sparing a glance in her direction.
A metal door appeared in an opening between piles of stacked femurs. Kizzy nearly fell towards it, but managed to stoop to the ground to retie her shoe instead. She glanced up. There was a sharp corner just ahead- most of her tour group was already around it. Ripping off the caution taped criss-crossing the edges, she tested the doorknob. Unlocked. Just as she knew it would be. Slipping into the dark passageway, Kizzy ignored all of her senses save the one that told her to go forward. Breaking into a jog, she ran towards the unknown something that beckoned her. Mundane worries like police, poisonous underground gases, tripping and injuring herself, did not cross her mind. The serendipity was upon her.
The passageway took her to what she sensed was a great empty space. Pulling out a small flashlight, she flicked it on and examined her surroundings even though she navigated as easily as if it was full daylight, each foot placed confidently on even ground. She was in an old limestone quarry, the scarred rocks draped in shadows. It was to one of those shadows that she drawn. At first just another outcropping, a tunnel in the rock was revealed in the beam of Kizzy's flashlight. It was about five feet tall and barely wide enough for one person. Kizzy had to stoop to walk through it, which was the only reason she did not trip over the girl.
She was sprawled on her side across the length of the tunnel, her feet closest to Kizzy and her head in the shadows. The feeling of serendipity was gone.
"Ugh. Always with the bodies and the dragging and the dirt, ain't ya?" She grumbled to herself. "Never pirate treasure, or just a dropped diamond necklace or something shiny." In an attempt to think of a better way of extracting the girl from the tunnel, she shined the light at the girl's head. Dark, dust-tangled hair concealed her face. The faint up and down of her chest was all there was to show that she still lived.
"Hey," Kizzy said, then kicked her gently. "Hey! Wake up!" Despite some more rough shaking, the girl did not move. To just pique her curiosity even more, there was a yellowed messenger bag pillowing the girl's head. It was lumpy and Kizzy's fingers itched to open it and see what was inside.
"I didn't want to do this but..." She maneuvered herself in the tunnel so she was standing right over the girl. To pick her up, Kizzy had to stuff her flashlight back into her pocket. Grabbing the girl under her arms, Kizzy slowly backed out of the tunnel. Once out, she gently lowered the girl onto the ground, then ran back inside the tunnel to see what was in the bag. For this she turned the flashlight on, hoping to see...
"Yes!"
Something glittered in the light. Something gold. The bag got unceremoniously dumped on the ground and its contents pawed through. Several old bracelets, necklaces, and rings. All real gold and silver, or plated in it. Jewels winked in the dim light as possibilities filled Kizzy's mind. Rent for a couple months, the day-to-day living expenses, cash to make up for what she lost going on this trip, clothes for Saida...
But what about the girl? Jamie's voice in her head reminded her. Kizzy sighed. He was right. The girl was what her serendipity had called her to, not the jewelry. As she shoved the jewelry back into the bag, Kizzy noticed a tag sewn onto the inside of the flap. It read: Property of Simone Roux. She looked around for another, possibly with an address or something, but found nothing. After the jewelry was packed back in, Kizzy went back to Simone. By the dim light of the flashlight, Kizzy took a good look at her. Her skin was very pale, and stretched over a slightly gaunt heart-shaped face. She pulled up one of the eyelids and waved her flashlight back and forth, to make sure the pupils dialated. They did, and she moved on to check the reflexes, poking certain pressure points. Everything was normal. Simone was alive and relatively healthy-seeming, if a bit underfed. She was just... asleep.
Kizzy was not any kind of fashion expert, but she was sure the style of clothes Simone wore had not been popular for several decades. A knee-length blue wool skirt and a white blouse with a Peter-Pan collar hung loosely on her form, partially hidden by a long black coat. Everything was worn and covered in a layer of dust and dirt. A pair of scuffed saddle shoes too big for her feet were practically falling apart.
"Oh, Simone," Kizzy murmured. It was obvious, there were only two possibilities. Either Simone was an Heir who had, somehow, accidentally put herself for who knew how long. Kizzy racked her brain for any sleep or night gods. There was that Greek one, Morpheus? No, Hypnos. She did have some olive coloring, and part of France bordered the Mediterranean, so it was not a stretch. Or Simone was the victim of an Heir. Either way, neither Kizzy nor any of her associates had the particular owner needed to deal with this. Bit she knew who did. The only trick would be getting Simone there.
***
A few bribed cataphiles and one phone call home later, Kizzy was checked into a seedy hotel under an assumed name. She had managed to lug Simone into the room with the simple explanation that her "friend" was prone to fainting spells. Not that the concierge seemed like one to ask questions. In her room, she had dumped Simone on the bed and the jewels on the floor. They sat in the back of her mind like an annoying loose tooth, something to worry and mess with until it fell out. Or in this case, until she pawned them. Kizzy did not do free international rescues. Just as she started doing handstands in attempt to calm herself down, the phone rang. She scrambled to grab it.
"Bonjour?" she said.
"I sent it. Tracking her iPhone, Tania'll get there in about three hours," Jamie replied briskly.
Kizzy smiled, "Thanks for the early warning babe."
"No problem. Buy me some heart-shaped chocolates from the City of Love and we'll call it even," he said.
"That's so-"
"Wonderful? Yes, I know. See you soon," Jamie hung up before she could get in another word.
With a fond shake of her head, Kizzy put the phone back. It was time to prepare for the show.
***
Tania was very confused when her cab pulled up in front of the Hotel du Soleil in Paris. It was painted a sickly yellow, and looked like there would be cockroaches in the bathroom and fleas in the bed. It did not seem like the kind of place meticulous, clean Olga would stay. She thought back to the email she had received that morning.
Dear Tania,
I urgently need you to come to Paris. We have new information about your mother and brother that can only be discussed face-to-face. I'm staying in Room 105B at the Hotel du Soleil, 387 Rue Curie, Paris. Come right up.
Love,
Olga
Even if the words "mother and brother" had not stopped her cold, Tania would have known it was urgent from the fact that Olga wrote "dear" and "love". The steely older woman usually never showed more emotion than was strictly necessary. And since Tania could not imagine any news worse than what she had received eight years ago, she had bitterly fought a rising hope all the way from her country home.
"Is this the right place?" asked the elderly cab driver, his voice slightly tinged with impatience.
Tania realized she had been staring, and shook herself out of her reverie.
"Yes it is, s'il vous plait," she replied.
After paying the cabbie, Tania nervously entered the hotel lobby.
She went over to the concierge and said, "Hello, my friend is staying up in Room 105B. Could you call her room and let her know I'm here?"
He did not even bother to glance up when he replied, "She left a note. You can go right up."
"Thank you."
It took only one glance at the ancient elevator for Tania to decide that she would rather take the stairs. She found the room easily and knocked. No one answered.
"Olga? It's me, Tania."
No reply. She knocked again, harder, then waited. No one answered. The door handle was one of the lock and key type, so she tried it. It was unlocked.
"Olga, it's Tania," she called out as she opened it slowly.
Immediately her eyes were drawn to the girl on the bed. Tania gasped and rushed over to her. She was in her late teens and wore old-fashioned clothing like that of a black-and-white movie covered in dirt. Her eyes were closed and her chest went up and down faintly. Placing a hand on the girl's forehead, Tania was immediately drawn in by deep tones of music, soothing and commanding. They made her feel drowsier than she had in years. She yanked her hand away before the sound convinced her to fall asleep next to the girl. This girl was an Heir, and a powerful one at that. Olga had not sent the email, that was for sure. Fear suddenly spiked through her as she realized that she had been lured to the hotel. In a sudden panic Tania hefted up her bag, ready to beat any assailants waiting to jump out at her. She checked under the bed, in the wardrobe and behind the curtains. Satisfied that no one was waiting with an axe, Tania returned her attention to the girl on the bed.
Her hands were folded over here stomach, and Tania noticed something white sticking out underneath them. Hesitantly she pulled out a piece of folded computer paper. Opening it revealed a typed message. Written in English, no less.
Sorry about the email (it said), but I figured that was the only way to get your attention. This is Simone Roux, possibly a descendant of Hypnos. Wake her up and take care of her, please. I'm not sure what she went through, but whatever it was must have sucked.
-F
Tania felt annoyed. She was played and used and she fell for it. But she had a responsibility to any Heir, so Tania placed her hand on Simone's forehead. Her impatience caused her to brutally cut through the enchanted slumber like a knife. Simone shot upright and let out a strangled cry. Eyes wide, she looked around frantically.
"Where am I?" she demanded. "Who are you?" her voice cracked on the last word.
"It's okay, I don't want to hurt you. My name is Tania. I just want to help. It's okay," Tania spoke in a soothing voice and held her open hands in front of her, treating the girl like she was a wild animal likely to be scared away by a sudden moment.
Scooted to the edge of the bed farthest away from Tania, Simone just seemed to grow more scared and confused. "Get away from me," her voice quavered.
"It's okay, I-"
Simone leapt off the bed and tried to make a run for the door. Legs unused for decades betrayed her, and she fell to the floor.
Crouching on the floor next to Simone, Tania offered her an hand.
***
In the next room over, Kizzy watched the camera feed of Tania helping Simone back to the bed. As the woman comforted the girl, Kizzy bit her lip uncertainly. But she shook her head and snapped her laptop closed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there.
So I quite liked your start. I liked how secretive Kizzy was being in the catacombs and how she blended in with the crowd. It gave me some intrigue as to what she was doing. However, what happened after became really confusing for me. So I take it she was assigned to recapture Simone. However, if that's the case, then why did Kizzy needed to be so secretive about it? And what about the stuff Simone was stealing, why was she stealing it?
Cut to the next scene, and there were more incidents of there being a lot of things happening, but with no explanation or some idea as to why. First of all, don't you think Simone would of put up more of a struggle if she's forcibly being dragged back to a hotel room? Wouldn't she have made more of an attempt to escape or cry out for help? That's why I don't buy Kizzy being able to lug her back to the hotel room that feasible. And if she was so secretive about tracking Simone in the catacombs, why would she drag her to a more public like a hotel? It's quite baffling.
You've introduced Jamie very suddenly too. We get that there is some relationship (probably more business) between Kizzy and Jamie, but it isn't clear as to what it's about. All she did was inform Kizzy that Tania is coming in three hours, which gives me the impression that Jamie helps Kizzy in a way, but again it isn't very clear and concrete.
Next scene. Again, who is Olga, and why does she trust the words of her supposed email? Who is Tania? We have no idea what she is except that she is looking for her missing brother and mother. And how did they went missing in the first place?
We later learn that she was tricked by Kizzy and Jamie into coming to the hotel room so that she is forced to look after Simone. And again, why did they choose her as a target? I get that she is responsible for looking after the Heirs, but I have no idea where that comes from, or why she is given such a responsibility.
And last scene. Why do Kizzy and co need to spy on Tania? Is it to ensure that she'll do her job? But that would imply that Tania's job has serve consequences if it's not carried out properly, and yet we don't know what these consequences are.
Overall, you have a lot of things happening, but hardly any explanation or back-story as to why they are happening. Your characters also feel the same way. We don't know what they do or how they operate, and they've never been given a proper introduction to the readers. You have a lot of interesting things happening, but they don't make any sense to the reader because of the points I've mentioned above.
Take some time to slow down your story and make things much clearer and detailed to the reader, otherwise your story will make no sense.
Andy.
Hey there!
. Or, to put it differently, if I were a normal reader who had picked this up in a bookstore, I'd be completely lost like
. Because I do a lot of reviewing and reading and writing and am on occasion rather clever, I was able to piece together what was going on.
Sooooo, I'm lost. Like:
But I had to really, really think to keep track of what was going on here. Which I don't think is what you were going for. It's good for the reader to be a little confused or lost sometimes, since that leads to curiosity, which leads to a reader being addicted. But this much confusing lose-the-reader-ness is too much.
One reason I think you're losing your reader is that the pacing here is much too frantic. Rather than consistently swift or slow or moderately quick, this is kind of all over the place. There's no rhythm for the reader to latch onto.
I'd suggest reading out loud. You'd be surprised how different things will seem once you're having to read it. It'll mimic the reader's experience. If you get caught up, you can bet your bottom dollar that the reader is caught up too.
Another thing I think is going on here is that there is simply too much happening, especially for a prologue. You introduce a heck of a lot of characters, and plot points. It's over saturated. We readers don't know where to look or what to focus on; our attention is divided between too many facets.
What you can do is take one of these scenes and explore it in more depth. You don't need to throw everything into the pot all at once. A girl with a strange force drawing her going off to explore on her own is enough to draw me in! Especially when she finds the girl just lying there in clothes that are decades outdated.
You could explore that for the entire prologue, and sneak in bits and pieces of information and back story as we go. Let us enjoy the setting, get to know the characters, tease us with the allure of jewellery and treasure. Have fun with it.
I think that's all I got... Let me know if you have any questions!
Rache
I read every word. My jaw is on the floor. I can't review this. You Rock. :0--- <---- That's a key.
If you tell me this is a rough draft and has not been edited, slay me now.
It's from my NaNoWri, so I wrote this before I got frantic.