z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Changeling- Edited Version!

by gema11


The State had recently repaved the old highway, covering up the cracked concrete with black asphalt that looked like spilled ink in the light of the gibbous moon. It might have been a budgeting mistake, or a clerical oversight, that led to this seldom-used road being repaved, but the owners of the lonely houses and fading biker bars that sat alongside it were glad of the change.

Far down the road, the door of a rust-stained trailer home burst open. Golden light spilled into the night, along with two small children. An adult barked something from inside, but the two girls ran heedlessly into the darkness, giggling over their disobedience. They had matching braids that held their tight curls in place and the same faded, pink pajamas, but the true similarity was in their dark brown eyes, alight with mischief.

The sisters ran out to the highway that earlier in the day had been busier than they had ever seen. The girl with blue beads in her hair reached the edge of the road a few seconds before her sister. She froze at the edge, staring at the shiny black expanse that waited at the tips of her brown bare feet. As she hovered on the edge, Nia caught up and rushed past with a leap, onto the asphalt.

“C’mon Arrie!” she shouted as she danced across newly smooth road. She lay down on her stomach in the middle of the road, cheek pressed up against ground still warm from the Georgian summer sun. Nia closed her eyes in bliss.Ariel cautiously lifted one foot onto the asphalt.

“Be careful of cars,” her mother had called out before they left.

I don’t want to get smashed by a car, but there aren’t ever that many at night. And we can hear them before they get to us! Mama won’t be angry if we’re careful.

She looked both ways down the road before running out to join her sister. Laying on her back, Ariel stared up at the stars. Lifting up one hand, she tried to snag one of the stars from their settings. If she could only reached high enough, it would be as easy to grab as a ripe peach.The trailer home was miles from any neighbors, but the nights were never silent. The steady thrum of cicadas broken by croaking toads filled the twins' ears. Ariel and Nia whispered to each other, Ariel giggling at her sister’s outrageous stories.

“Your turn!” Nia declared.

With a shake of her head Ariel looked back up at the sky, away from her sister. “I’m tired,” she said. I can’t ever think of stories like you. Mine all just repeat your stuff.

In the moment of silence between them, the girls heard a soft, sweet sound in the distance- wind chimes, or bells. In unison they lifted their heads and stared down the highway towards the noise.To the girls, the road seemed to yawn on forever into the night. The horizon was a puddle of shadows that sucked in highway and sky. As they stared, however, a pale light became visible and began to grow. Thinking it was a car, Ariel pulled Nia off the highway and they pushed themselves back into the trees that lined the road. They waited for it to roar by, but they neither heard nor saw a car. Cautiously they peeked out of the trees and looked down the road. Two mouths dropped open and two sets of eyes grew large as saucers.

It was no car coming towards them. A procession of strange figures wreathed in silvery light made their stately way down the road. At the front of the cavalcade gamboled a naked little man with too many joints in his limbs and a lupine face. He tumbled and laughed at his own bawdy jests and nonsense songs, his arms and legs so a-tangle that it was a wonder he did not fall.

A solemn group of men and women on lightly-stepping horses rode behind him, their eyes always forward, looking down the road. WIth their haughty, unnatural beauty they looked like the angels Ariel heard about in Sunday school. It made her eyes itch.

Behind the lords and ladies were creatures strange and stranger. Bark-brown women with hollow backs walked alongside pale young men with reeds and cat-tails tangled in their dripping manes. Squat men with red hats chased flying bits of light that laughed and teased as they flitted out of their reach, and screamed when they were caught and popped in a gaping maw.

Ariel covered her ears at the screeches, but Nia turned to her with feverish eyes, “Do you hear the music?” she whispered excitedly. “They’re singing to me.”

“But I don’t hear anything,” whined Ariel.

Nia ignored her, and keep her glittering eyes on the procession slowly passing them.

Why am I always the one who misses out on the special stuff?, Ariel fumed. She could not take her hands off her ears, but her eyes worked the same as Nia’s. And no matter what she wanted, it was impossible to tear them away.

There were stones that moved and trees that danced; creatures with too many limbs and joints or not enough of either; creatures with glowing blue veins running through their skin and feathered beasts that moved with feline grace. Boys with pinched, sly faces and feet turned backwards shared secret smiles with each other. One caught the sisters peering at the cavalcade from the shadows, and grinned. He beckoned with a clawed hand.

Nia twitched and Ariel grabbed her hand, afraid that she was going to rush out onto the road. It broke her out of the trance and she glanced back towards the trailer. Where is Mama? Didn’t she hear the strangers walking by? Then her sister gasped, and Ariel looked back towards the road.

She froze, a fawn caught in the gaze of a wolf. The parade had stopped, and all of the creatures were staring at them. Hundreds of eyes pierced her like needles, and her palms went all sweaty. A lord and lady broke away from the front of the line and rode their high-stepping ponies over to the girls. Ariel tried to sink into the shadows, making herself as unnoticeable as possible. She let go of Nia’s hand as she covered her face.

The lady let out a bright laugh that tinkled like bells. Despite herself, Ariel lowered her hands to peek at her. A faint whiff of wet earth and green wormed its way into her nose- the smell of spring. It matched the woman, with her hair the color of Georgia clay and her eyes like newly budded leaves. She was beautiful enough to be an angel, but the eyes ruined it all. Ariel had not lived very long, but she knew not to trust strangers with that look. She’d gobble me up and not feel a bit sorry.

To her horror, she saw that Nia was no longer beside her. Instead, she was standing next to the lady’s horse, looking up at her with adoring eyes.

“Nia, come back here,” Ariel whispered, but she was ignored.

The lady climbed down off of her horse and knelt next to Nia, whispering in her ear. Her sky blue dress pooled around like a fallen chunk of heaven. The lord, beetle-like in lacquered red armor, sat on his horse, glancing around with bored, listless eyes. His gazed passed over Ariel as if she did not exist.

“Nia,” Ariel said softly, inching closer to her sister with one hand outstretched while she kept an eye on the lord, “C’mon, I want to go inside. I’m thirsty.” She really wasn’t but Ariel had to say something, anything to get her sister to come inside.

Nia ignored her, but the lady glanced Ariel and smiled.

“You are Arrie?” she asked, her voice deep and musical. “One of the little sparrows watching the troop in the moonlight?”

Ariel hesitated a moment, then nodded, “S-sorry for looking at you, but I want Nia to come home. I’m thirsty,” the words tumbled out of her mouth. She added a half-hearted, “ma’am,” at the end. Better safe than sorry.

A smile stretched across the lady’s mouth, lighting up her whole face with delight, “What a charming girl. I believe I can assist you with that,” she purred. “Little birds need to wet their beaks.” Long fingers pulled a corked bottle of green glass, the same color as the lady’s eyes, out of her dress pocket.

She held it out to Ariel, “You want Nia to come home because you are thirsty?”

Ariel nodded slowly.

“Well,” and the lady smiled again, “Would you free your sister if you were not thirsty?”

It was all too confusing. I’m not the one who needs to free Nia. It’s not me who has her caught, or spelled, or whatever it is that keeps Nia looking at her like that. Unsure of what to do, and cowed by the gaze of the creatures watching them eagerly from the road, Ariel nodded.

“Take the bottle, Arrie, little sparrow,” said the lady, smiling even brighter, “and you will never be thirsty again.”

Ariel’s world view zeroed down onto the bottle. She did not want to touch the thing, but she could feel the pressure of everyone’s eyes, waiting for her to take it. All she wanted was their attention off of her, and them gone. If I take the bottle, maybe they’ll leave us alone. We can run back inside and lock the door. I won’t let Nia come out at night ever again.

Her hand snaked out and she snatched the bottle. As soon as it left the lady’s hand, the watching train of creatures erupted into laughter and shrieks of glee. The lady stood up, still smiling as she grabbed Nia and swung her into the saddle. Nia grinned blankly, her eyes glazed over.

“What are you doing?” Ariel screamed, “Stop! Stop!”

Nia giggled slightly, but she did not seem to hear Ariel crying out her name, or the din that the procession of creatures made as the lord and lady rejoined them. She tried to run after them, but no matter how hard she ran, Ariel could not get any closer to them. Soon they disappeared down the road, a faint glow over the ridge of the next hill the only sign of their passing until that, too, faded.

“Nia!” she screamed her sister’s name over and over again until Mama came rushing out of the trailer. Her face was red and ready to yell, but it turned pasty instead when she saw the tears on Ariel’s face and Nia gone. Then she was yelling, asking where Nia was and who Ariel saw take her away. No matter how hard she tried, the words got stuck in Ariel’s throat and she choked on them.

It was the strangers, Ariel wanted to say, the devils dressed like angels, they took her! It’s my fault, Mama.

“My fault, my fault!” were the only words Ariel could get out between her coughing and sobs. Mama picked her, even though she was too big a girl to be carried, and brought her back to the trailer. Ariel tried to drop the bottle on the way, or throw it onto the road, but it stuck to her hand like glue.


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524 Reviews


Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

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Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:42 pm
felistia wrote a review...



Hi gema11, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day. :D

Story: The story you presented started out a bit slow, but after a little while you slowly built up the tension with the arrival of the glowing people. You paused for a moment to describe the sceptical in front of the main characters eyes, which I really appreciate. You didn't dwindle to long on the description though, because all the while I could feel the tension growing. The story speed up really nicely at the end and left me wising there was another chapter, but satisfied if you choose to keep this a short story. :D

Characters: Ariel and Nia are the two main characters you choose for the story and I think they serve the part well. I am happy that you took the time let me get to know them before introducing the parade. That way I cared more about what happened to them. The small amount of dialogue that you have is really good and I feel that you conveyed the character's emotions well. :D

Description: Description is where you truly shine my friend. The whole story is carried by your knack for description and man does it work. I really couldn't find anything wrong with your description if I could. Some might say that you may have put a bit to much in the story, but personally I loved it. :D

Small problems: As for small problems with grammar and punctuation I couldn't find a single mistake. :D

Over all a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D




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Thu Jan 28, 2016 7:15 am
7whitewolf7 wrote a review...



Hello! I'm going to leave some editing suggestions within your work using (these) so you can have an idea of where and why I'm suggesting it! :)


The State had recently repaved the old highway, covering up the cracked concrete with black asphalt that looked like ('that looked like', is really commonly used, you could spice it up by using 'reminiscent of' ;) spilled ink in the light of the gibbous moon. It might have been a budgeting mistake, or a clerical oversight, that led to this seldom-used road being repaved, but the owners of the lonely houses and fading biker bars that sat alongside it (it is unnecessary here) were glad of the change.

The sisters ran out to the highway that earlier in the day had been busier than they had ever seen. (this sentence is very wordy, I'd suggest rewording it, example - The sisters ran to the highway which was busier then they'd ever seen.) The girl with blue beads in her hair reached the edge of the road a few seconds before her sister. She froze at the edge, staring at the shiny black expanse that waited at the tips of her brown bare feet. As she hovered on the edge, (you've already mentioned she was on the edge, I would just put, As she hovered, Nia... ) Nia caught up and rushed past with a leap, onto the asphalt.

“C’mon Arrie!” she shouted as she danced across newly smooth road. (That end is little off, try 'across the newly smoothed road) She lay down on her stomach in the middle of the road, cheek pressed up against ground still warm from the Georgian summer sun. Nia closed her eyes in bliss.Ariel cautiously lifted one foot onto the asphalt. <--(you forgot a space up there)

She looked both ways down the road before running out to join her sister. Laying on her back, Ariel stared up at the stars. Lifting up one hand, she tried to snag one of the stars from their settings. If she could only reached (I think you mean 'reach') high enough, it would be as easy to grab as a ripe peach.The <--(Remember the spaces!) trailer home was miles from any neighbors, but the nights were never silent. The steady thrum of cicadas broken by croaking toads filled the twins' ears. Ariel and Nia whispered to each other, Ariel giggling at her sister’s outrageous stories.

In the moment of silence between them, the girls heard a soft, sweet sound in the distance- wind chimes, or bells. In unison they lifted their heads and stared down the highway towards the noise.To the girls, <--(another space!!! XD ) the road seemed to yawn on forever into the night. The horizon was a puddle of shadows that sucked in highway and sky. As they stared, however, a pale light became visible and began to grow. Thinking it was a car, Ariel pulled Nia off the highway and they pushed themselves back into the trees that lined the road. They waited for it to roar by, but they neither heard nor saw a car. Cautiously they peeked out of the trees and looked down the road. Two mouths dropped open and two sets of eyes grew large as saucers. (I love this whole paragraph.....)

It was no car coming towards them. A procession of strange figures wreathed in silvery light made their stately way down the road. At the front of the cavalcade gamboled a naked little man with too many joints in his limbs and a lupine face. He tumbled and laughed at his own bawdy jests and nonsense songs, his arms and legs so a-tangle that it was a wonder he did not fall. (Also spectacular :0 )

A solemn group of men and women on lightly-stepping horses rode behind him, their eyes always forward, looking down the road. WIth (You capitalized the I there) their haughty, unnatural beauty they looked like the angels Ariel heard about in Sunday school. It made her eyes itch.

She froze, a fawn caught in the gaze of a wolf. The parade had stopped, and all of the creatures were staring at them. Hundreds of eyes pierced her like needles, and her palms went all (went all, doesn't sound very literary... I would recommend replacing it with 'became') sweaty. A lord and lady broke away from the front of the line and rode their high-stepping ponies over to the girls. Ariel tried to sink into the shadows, making herself as unnoticeable as possible. She let go of Nia’s hand as she covered her face.

The lady let out a bright laugh that tinkled like bells. Despite herself, Ariel lowered her hands to peek at her. A faint whiff of wet earth and green wormed its way into her nose- the smell of spring. It matched the woman, with her hair the color of Georgia clay and her eyes like newly budded leaves. She was beautiful enough to be an angel, but the eyes ruined it all. Ariel had not lived very long, but she knew not to trust strangers with that look. She’d gobble me up and not feel a bit sorry. (In that last sentence you changed perspectives, but also didn't introduce it as dialogue or thought..... I would recommend She would gobble her up and....etc, )

I can't wait for the next chapter!!! :D You write very well, and the story is engaging. I hope my edits helped!





Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins