(Each 100 word story is meant to be a snapshot. They are not related to each other.)
Natoshka
The roan horse continued its gallop straight towards them. Eric tried to bring Natoshka out of his battle rage, but his control was tenuous. "Get out of the way!" He screamed at the rider. "We can't turn!"
But either he did not hear, or chose not to listen, because the horse only went faster. It was time to bail. Natoshka would be able to handle a simple run-in. Eric judged the ground, and rolled off. As he sat up, he could see the white haired rider lower a spear.
Eric sat frozen in horror as the spear pierced Natoshka's chest.
Troll Food
"It's too dark, I can't see."
"We have to keep going."
"You have to keep going."
"What does that mean?"
"You're the one who promised to help. I didn't make a stupid blood-oath about anything."
"But you said-"
"No. Don't you dare bring that up. I refuse to be guilt-tripped by you anymore. I am getting out of here before I get killed."
They sat in silence.
"Aren't you going to turn around?"
"Um... It really is too dark for me to see. I don't know which way we came."
"Dear Lord, I hope you get eaten by a troll."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is a rather powerful start there. Nothing quite like starting off by skewering a character straight through the chest. It certainly makes for quite some snapshot there as we see what appears to be two people riding in some sort of battle ridden area with one failing to obey the commands of the other and then paying the ultimate price for doing so. Its certainly quite the tale to start off on.
Hmm, this conversation did kind of start a bit abruptly here. From what they are saying, there are first of all, lots of potential mystery being tossed about rather casually, but also on top of that we've got a sense that perhaps this is the continuation of the earlier scene, only that transition is practically non existent and its very hard to say, so perhaps a slight rethink on the flow there would be a good idea.
Well that ending does make me reconsider my though and think perhaps that the second part is another one of your snapshots, cause it does seems like its perhaps a separate conversation in its own regard, it truly is a bit difficult to place exactly where we might be going here. At any rate, on the whole, it was a pair of interesting scenes I think, there wasn't much else to them, but they were fun to read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, gema11! I'm Lupa, here for Review Day!
I don't have anything to say about that.
Natoshka, I feel, is of higher caliber than Troll Food. It's more serious, quite horrifying, and a little bit brilliant.
Troll Food: I have a nitpick here about your format.
""We have to keep going."
"You have to keep going.""
To emphasize the characters' words, italicize the "you" in "you have to keep going." It makes it clear to your reader that one character doesn't want to go on any longer, and is leaving it to the other character.
Also, I have no idea who is talking after your one line of non-dialogue. The whole thing is talk, talk, talk, and unless that's a stylistic choice I think you should change it. The reader doesn't know who's conversing with the other, and it gets fuzzy near the end. Maybe take out some of the extra fluff in Troll Food and replace it with something more necessary.
Otherwise, I have nothing to say. These two pieces are different in tone, but they both seem fantasy-ish. Overall, Natoshka was gory but well-written, and Troll Food was funny and supposedly light-hearted. You did pretty good with such a short limit of words! Keep writing!
XOX,
Lupa22
Interesting material! I'm here to review.
Formatting
I'm not sure I understand the point of just having 100 words - it does provide as you said a "snap shot" but doesn't quite feel like a story yet for either piece. These also remind me of material written in the style of short vignette. Now although there's nothing wrong with just having a "snap shot" piece - I think that both pieces might be received better or stay with the audience longer if they have some sort of point or plot - which both pieces somewhat lack. Those are just my thoughts on the formatting, but at the very least, I can say I enjoyed the unique and "to the point" approach that you attempted.
So without further ado, I'll give you my comments on each piece individually:
Natoshka
This piece, I thought displayed a bit more writing prowess. Word choice was elegant and seemed old and traditional - enjoyable for the themes in the piece. My main issue with the piece is that the action is hard to follow, and I have difficulty connecting emotionally to the characters.
In a piece this short - I'm going to judge it like a poem. You really need to excel at characterization, theme, plot, action, or colorful/interesting language - or a combination to make a connection with the audience in a short piece (or else, what's the point of reading it?).
Characterization - Immediately I am unclear who we are talking about. Is Natoshka the horse? or a warrior? Because I'm not sure who the Natoshka is, the end of the piece does not really make sense for me. Also: Who is the "them" you refer to in the first couple sentences? You give no details about Eric as far as appearance, emotions, thoughts, back story, or why he's in this battle to begin with - without a single detail, as a reader, I'm having difficulty connecting with these characters or cheering for either side of this battle.
Plot/Action - Your plot and action movement was also unfortunately hard to follow. I think you need to read it outloud and make sure that what your writing can convey the image and scene in your head. As it stands, I'm not sure what Eric is trying to turn around. You do a good job overall "showing" rather than "telling" - by directly showing the reader what you're talking about, but it's lacking some concrete details or background. I think if you absolutely have to stick to 100 words, it would be more effective to make this scene shorter and put more focus in the climax of the story - when Eric realizes that the spear is going into Nashtoka's chest. (this also lacked clarity for me - who is holding this spear?)
Trolls
This piece had less clarity than the first piece for me, and the same issues with characterization and unclear plot lines. Overall as far as dialogue - the conversation seemed natural (although not very emotional) - the only thing I would change would be to take out the "Um..." but that's just my preference with dialogue.
Overall Impressions
Conventions: Overall I didn't see any grammar mistakes in either piece that jumped out. Your word choice was good - but you could have used more interesting adjectives in there to add some more impact and dimension to the short piece.
I would have liked to see more "wow" factor in either piece. It felt like there was no punch line. Both had interesting last lines, but were preceded by somewhat uninteresting prose without emotional or action pull - so as a reader it was difficult to connect to.
Happy Holidays, keep writing!
~alliyah
The first one is confusing, but the second one is great.
Natoshka
First - that's an epic name.
Second -
Unless Eric is God, "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
In this story, there's too much to keep track of and since you've been limited with your word count the essential bits of explanation are missing. I think you bit off more than you could chew with this one. Explaining the positions of two brand-new characters in an intense action snippet is tough to do in a meager one hundred words.
The second paragraph is particularly confusing.
This is implying that Eric's cry to Natoshka would have affected the horse's speed. Rather, I think it would have affected Natoshka's decision to snap out of his battle mode, or stay where he was. Thus, I recommend changing "because the horse only went faster" to "because Natoshka didn't move a muscle" or something of the sort. Does that make sense?
Because of the lack of descriptions, I don't know what Eric's rolling off of and I can't picture the scene very well at all.
This is the first time I'm told there's a rider on the horse at all. Don't mention the white hair; mention instead the rider of the roan horse so your reader can make connections more easily.
Troll Food
Might I suggest italicizing the word "you?"
All in all, this short is great. Leaning so heavily on dialogue was probably the smartest thing you could do with this prompt, and when you have that one brief line of narrative ("They sat in silence"), it's all the more effective. Since there's only two characters and we don't really know anything about them, you didn't have to worry about wasting precious words on dialogue tags, either. It's humorous, effective, and, simply put, perfect.
Overall
I don't know if you had to be exact, but I used a word counter tool and apparently the first story had 101 words. The next one's 102 (not counting the titles). Anyway, I think you did a really nice job with these, especially because it's a super hard prompt to deal with.
Hopefully I helped at least a little. Keep up the awesome writing!