Published September 5, 2009
Any critique is welcome.
The sun lowered in the sky, an array of colours meshed and it was breathtaking. The beaches were most definitely the best thing about La Pare. I got up, dusting away the sand that stuck to my bare legs and shorts.
I stopped when I saw George. The trickles of water glistened on his body but this was not Baywatch. His man breast sagged onto his bulging stomach. I wanted to turn away, the sight made me want to puke. Someone was in desperate need of a gym card. His eyes zeroed on me and he smirked. I glared back, not willing to back down. Ever. He stopped inches away from me, the sand curling around his webbed feet.
‘Southern,’ he drawled, I rolled my eyes and he stiffened. ‘I’m sorry about your mum,’ he said but the sympathy was missing from his voice.
‘Are you really,’ I retorted.
He chuckled, ‘you see right through me. Your mother was good at reading people, among other things,’ he wigged his eyebrows.
I balled my hand into a tight fist, ‘don’t talk about my mother,’ I growled.
‘Why,’ He scoffed, ‘the dumb bitch went and killed herself anyways.’
My fist shot out, but he stopped my attack, his hands clawing against my wrist. I tried to pull away, but his grip only tightened. The amusement vanished from his face, there was only hatred. Just pure hatred.
He pulled me towards him, his hand remained on my wrist like a vice, ‘your slutty mother forgot to teach you manners. Don’t worry; I’m happy to make up for what she lacked in,’
The tears burned in my eyes, and I bit my lips to hold it back. Tears equaled weakness and I couldn’t show weakness to someone who preyed on it. The fury imprinted on my face was not enough to cover up the trembling that over took him. He could smell the fear that reeked from my pores.
‘Officer George,’ someone barked.
George’s hand flew from mine as he my touch burned him. He stepped away glaring at someone, I followed his line of gaze behind me. Her ebony face was crumpled, her dark plump lips were pursed. The crisp yellow dress hung loosely on her thin body.
‘Amanda, what a pleasant surprise,’ George muttered.
I stood in the middle of their intense stare down. The middle aged woman, Amanda, didn’t bulge, neither did George. I didn’t think they even blinked.
‘George, I see you haven’t changed much,’ she replied with a sweetness that didn’t match her face
‘Change,’ he spat, ‘I’m sick of hearing that word!’
Billy’s words swirled in my mind. There is going to be change. We are going to start a revolution that will shake La Pare to the core. George stiffened, did I say that out loud? The look on his face assured me I did.
‘Over my dead body,’ he hissed, the venom brought back my trembling.
‘Gladly,’ I replied, with a cool I was far from feeling.
His eyes widened, ‘are you threatening a police officer?’
I narrowed my eyes, ‘it’s a warning, take it or leave it,’
‘I have my eyes on you, southern,’ he said glaring at me then Amanda. He turned and stomped away.
I released a breath I didn’t realise I held. He was gone, but for how long? I couldn’t understand his hatred for my mother and I. What have we ever done to him? Something told me my answers lied with the woman behind me.
‘You have spunk, Aurora,’ she said.
‘Thanks, for that,’ I replied, confused slightly. How did she know my name?
‘What, you don’t recognise me?’ She scoffed as I creased my brows, ‘it’s a shame you don’t recognise your own godmother.’
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Sorry, I realized the extract may be hard to understand but it is a key turning point in my book and I needed critique for it! Sorry, got to work on my grammar!
Thanks for the critique guys. I am also going to try and make it flow better- something I have been struggling with!
The first sentence is a little awkward. You could try pushing it all into one flowing sentence, like: "The sun was falling from view in a breathtaking mesh of colors," or something similar if you want to keep the verb "lowered". Though, I would use "lowered from view," or "moved lower in the sky". And detail about the beach would be nice, nothing huge but a few points about why it's so great.
George, what a sexy stud!
I would maybe say that he spoke without sympathy, or with a mock sympathy.
I would capitalize "You see right..." and you could end "other things" with a period. It allows the "He wiggled his eyebrows." to stand on its own, giving more emphasis to him being a creeper, lol.
Here I would say that the amusement vanished from his face, leaving only hatred. Or break it off into 2 sentences.
I would use 'remaining', unless you break it off into 2 sentences. "Your slutty..." can be capitalized, and the sentence should end with a period.
To "hold it back" sounds like you are holding back one tear, so I would use "them", or you could even say "to keep them at bay". The rest of this bit doesn't flow too well; I'm confused about who is trembling and why? Is it the narrator trembling in fury or George because he can sense the fear?
This first sentence I think was just a typo? I think 'he' is supposed to be 'if'? You don't really need to say 'line of gaze', it sounds like a combination of 'line of vision' and 'gaze', I would pick one or the other.
This first sentence sounds funny, too blatant I supposed. Try showing the audience instead of telling them. I would use 'don't' instead of 'didn't'.
I'm excited to know more about this revolution!
When you write "his eyes widened," you could start the narrator's bit with "mine narrowed", for a stronger contrast. "Southern," should be capitalized. I would also fix this last sentence. 'Stomping away' seems almost comical or cliche, maybe you could give him a destination to return to?
I just think this bit needs to be smoothed out a bit. Don't be afraid to add some random description or outside details.
"It's" should be capitalized, but I like this bit!
OK, I know this is an extract and all, but... well, I'm in the dark as to what's going on. I mean, I can get some parts, its just that it sounds like it needs more explanation to the uninitiated to this story.
Here, I don't think you need the 'and it was breathtaking'. To me, I would prefer that thing of no one ever saying something, but you always assume it to be so.
Here I'm unsure of like, what southern means. Is it like *history lesson coming up* how during the Mongol era of China, the South Chinese were lowest pecking order? In fact, until Amanda addresses Aurora by name, I was wondering whether southern was the character's name.
Shouldn't you capitalize the first word inside the quotations? *nitpicking*
And anyway, who on Earth is Billy? And what on Earth is up with La Pare? Basically, and I know its an extract, but, I dunno... I can understand what's happening, but I don't understand why.
Other than that, great!