Published December 26, 2013
She pushed herself right onto the tips over her toes as she peered out over the ledge of the window. She hated the metal iron bars that blocked large columns of her view. Her slim hands locked around the cold rusted metal and she pulled herself higher off the ground. The chilling breeze nipped her bare skin as she struggled to see through the barred window. The sun was just beginning to set, sending spirals of orange, red and purple to taint the darkening sky. Stars were beginning to form, dotting the dark blue sky. The girl tried to capture the last ray of sunlight, but it disappeared behind the tall buildings just too quickly.
She felt hopeless as she sunk from the window. She was trapped inside this prison. Devoid of freedom. The very word sent tingles down her spine and quickened her heartbeat. Her back touched the cold concrete as she slid down the wall until she was sitting on the ground. Her legs were slightly bent and she rested her hands on them as she closed her eyes.
Her dream was not original, it was a memory that had resurfaced after what felt like years. She stood at the top of a building, the wind whipping her choppy black hair as she peered over the city. Her city. She stretched, pulling at her muscles gently until they loosened. Her hands, although they were scarred and covered in dust, they were her hands. Her feet were encased in tight shoes with gripped soles.
She ran against the ledge of the building barely blinking as she jumped off the edge and landed on the next building. She scaled the wall on that building and continued running, jumping sliding and swinging through the city rooftops. She ran along the arm of a crane and pushed off the edge with both feet. Time had lost meaning as she seemed to float through the air, her body was stiff as she landed on the narrow arm of a neighbouring crane.
She felt good, the air in her lungs, running on the edge. Of course, her dream slipped away just too quick. And she was left with the hope that one day she would be free again. That she would feel the wind in her hair, smell the familiar scent of dust and dirt, feel the hard concrete under her feet, see the city from angles that are impossible to anybody else. And relish in the freedom, promising herself that she would appreciate it.
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Canary word: Present
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129,689 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Hello there~ I can say that I am in love with this piece down to the letters that make up each word. My only suggestion is to give the girl a name: something aviary, something like a bird. Then you could add in the metaphor of the main character being a caged bird. Other than that, I can't bring myself to desire any sort of alterations. Thank you for your brilliant work~
Thank you so much I never thought of that. It's a great idea. I'm glad you enjoyed the short story.
-Now I feel super happy!
Hello... I just read your piece and with the little I read of it, I thought it sounded great. I liked how you described the scene and the fact that she wishes for her freedom which she can't have. The writing was good but as you were describing the sky, you were a little repetitive. I also thought you could give her a name instead of saying "she" or "her". Other than that, your grammar and punctuation was great. Maybe you could write more about her adventures in the future...
I wasn't going to write more but I'll certainly be thinking about it now. Thank you!
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
This is a really good piece. It was beautifully written, easy to picture, the flow was nice and I didn't see any big grammatical issues, as well as punctuation or misspellings.
There's only one nitpick that I spotted:
"Sky" and "beginning" feel a bit repetitive here.
Besides for that, great work! This was excellent.
Thank you so much, it really helped.
Timmyjake to give you a short review!
This is really good! You have this way of describing the setting that just lays it out so well. I will just hit my little nitpicks now!
So firstly, you say bare skin like she is naked or something, but you never actually tell the reader if that is the case. You just move on. I would suggest adding a sentence or taking out a sentence to clear that up.
[*quote] [*/quote]Her dream was not original, it was a memory that had resurfaced after what felt like years.
That sentence doesn't really work for me. Her dream was pretty original to me, but original doesn't really fit the rest of the sentence. I don't know what would fix it... It just didn't seem like it fit the sentence, especially because her dream WAS original.
[*quote] [*/quote] Her hands, although they were scarred and covered in dust, they were her hands. Her feet were encased in tight shoes with gripped soles.
That part doesn't match the rest of the paragraph. If you are going to describe what she looks like, then do it! But then you drifted off to describing her shoes and her juming instead.
This is very good! I think there are small things that could be worked on here, but the story as a whole is really good! I think you could split up the paragraphs. Just remember that a paragraph is kinda like a huge sentence. One idea. Once you have moved onto a new idea, move on.
Great story!
~Timmyjake
Thank you for taking the time to explain. I really appreciate you breaking it down instead of just saying what was wrong. Thank you for the review.