Young Writers Society

Hey geebee,
Like the majority, repeating the word smile really got boring. Using another word would really improve this poem. Also, you used the phrase "i cant help but" 3 times, i think you need to cut these out and think of a way around them to make your poem sounds better. So switch it up and this becomes very enjoyable to read!!

Hi geebee! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing, okay?

Now, as Amy has mentioned, just by looking at the poem you can see that the flow will be messy. Do you know why? Because normally, even lines would have a more balanced flow, even though that does not always happen because it can also be wordy, but in this case, you go from a line with three words, to another with the triple of that! If you re-read this out loud, I'm sure you'll notice that you cut off the flow of it. As if you did a full stop on everything a poem has (imagery, emotion) just to try and get to the end of the longest line. So, easy fix. Break some down Take a look at this: topic39024.html An awesome article by our dearest Jon, that I'm sure it'll help you.

The thing about this, is that this is just an 'okay' poem, you know? Mainly due to the fact that this is a very used theme, and so you have to bring some originality to it, so that it can sound new and refreshing. I know you can find some way to bring this up a notch

Thanks for posting this! And PM me if you need anything.
- Kat

One thing here that kind of bugs me is the length of some of your lines. Even by just looking at the poem I can see extra long lines which totally break the flow. They can be easily split up, so why not break them and see how much better it flows?

And, I have to agree with everyone else, you do overuse the word 'smile'. Why not check in a thesaurus and find some nice alternatives?

And what you really want to do is make this poem really original. Take an idea of the romance you think is unique enough, and really expand on it.

~Amy

I stare at the wall but my mind wonders into the depths of my thoughts,
and
though I can't help but wonder if he feels the same way when he sees me,

Hi geebee!

Kamas here to review, but I'm going ask something quick of you. Can you please review a few works before you post a piece? It's the courtesy policy of the site, and the more you review, the more people in return will give you reviews!

Now:

This is a good start you have here but you have a few problems I'd like to address.

Redundancy

You use the word smile far too much. As well as his, he, him. It gets boring to read the same word over, even more then twice. Using a thesaurus is something I highly recommend to anyone. I bought a big one for myself when I write poetry

For example:

Smile can become - grin, beam, smirk (more of a harsher smile), leer.

Or you can be more creative and link words together that hints a smile.

Cliches

The biggest problem with this poem is the fact that it hits a cliche that most people hit. They are incredibly difficult to avoid when it comes to romantic poetry. You don't want to use the words you've seen before, or the phrases. Those are lines that are stored in your brain for the past. You want to take those lines and twist it to be your own.

The narrator in love with someone that doesn't love them back is much to used to please.

Now there is one thing you could do that leads me to my next point.

Language

You can use words to phrase a cliche a whole new way. Sure it remains a cliche at heart, but when you learn to twist the language to your will then you'll be able to phrase things that aren't cliches.

I apologize if I sound like a rambling fool. I do hope I helped a little, and if you have any questions, feel free to drop me a lines. I'm happy to help!

Keep writing.

Kamas

I stare at the wall but my mind wonders into the depths of my thoughts,

his laugh,
his smile,
that perfect smile,
and when I see him,
I can't help but smile to myself,