B.K.E slam

Hi gc0410!

Well, seeing that you put this in the 'poetry' category, I think you should make this more.. poem like. As DukeofWonderland already said, putting paragraphs in poetry is not very good. If I may suggest some things you could fix - (well, I can't put every single paragraphs into poem-like states so I'll just do one)

My words sting like lightening against your frail exterior rattling your bones all the way to the interior. What is your point in life is there any at all you're just like a centipede in the dirt might as well drop down and crawl. With ur light wash jeans and ur polo tucked neat I’ve never seen such a mistake stand on two feet.

First of all, there is a typo. [lightening] should be [lightning], for lightening is a medical term for a drop in the level of the uterus during the last weeks of pregnancy as the head of the fetus engages in the pelvis. That came from the dictionary, by the way. Second of all, [ur]? I really don't want to be harsh, but if you want to make this into a real poem, or any real piece of writing that could be appreciated by audiences, you should never write in text terms, like ur, ikr, nvm, etc, words that teenagers and many other age groups use. Just take a second or something to say [your]. Anyways, this paragraph could be written into,


My words sting

Against your frail exterior

Like lightning, rattling your bones

All the way to the interior

What is the point in your life

If there is any at all?

Like a centipede in the dirt

Just drop down and crawl

As the mistake you are

The biggest trash standing on two feet

Light washed jeans you wear

Your polo tucked neat

Just makes you wrong

Wrong



If I don't see what you mean in your poem, I am truly sorry. There are some grammars and little things that need to be fixed, such as ;


I feel empty as a box worthlessness drains upon me.


This could be written as ;


I feel empty as a box, and worthlessness drains upon me.

or

Feeling empty as a box
Worthlessness draining upon me


Also, you have many run-ons, such as,


Polos and jeans I find comfort even though that isn’t the norm like those trees in the forest I call school where i am a mere fern attempting to survive on the little glimpses of hope I have but...


It could be fixed into ;


Polos and jeans I find comfort in, even though that isn't the normal like those trees in the forest I call school. In there, I am a mere fern attempting to survive on the little glimpses of hope I have, but...

or

I find comfort in polos and jeans
Though that is not the normal
In those trees in the forest I call school
A mere fern attempting to survive
On those little glimpses of hope
I am just a mere fern hoping to live
But...



Don't do those 'norm' kind of texting languages. I don't mind you using it while texting or something like that, but that's going to be a very big problem if you use this for some professional things.


4 seconds

7:53 was the time.

7 the hour in which it all ended.

7 family members crying over what i’ve done.

5 emotions i wished he showed.

5 punches that weren’t worth it.

3 words i wish he said.

3 words i wish i said.

Bullying kills everyone.


I really like this piece. It actually reads like a poem, and it is very, very good.

I also see that you use things like 'Both', (Pause), etc. If this is meant to be a song, cool. If it isn't, if it is just a poem, you don't need those things. You can just give some wide spaces between the words that different people say. And, IF this IS a song, I don't really think that anybody would actually sing those paragraphs. People prefer lyrics to be placed like poems. That's where they are very similar.

Overall, I liked this piece ; it only needs some fixing. You use incredible metaphors and wonderful vocabularies ; it's only that you need to decide if you want this to be a poem, a song, or a short story. Anything would work, for I see a LOT of potential in your work. I really do. Great job!


Thanks, and keep on writing ; Mephis

You have good lines in there, somewhere.
And it's looking for that somewhere that'll make you lose readers. You may not like regular and commonly used patterns of poetry and that's fine. But cluttering you're words up in paragraphs with less punctuation than needed isn't helping either.
So please punctuate, please. And arrange your poetry in an 'easier-to-read' manner. Also, maybe cut off some content, that you think is less important in passing the message across. The last advice may not be necessary to take into consideration though.
For example:
"My words sting like lightening, against your frail exterior -
rattling your bones, all the way to the interior."

This is so beautiful in words, and now it looks so much more appealing to a reader.

I hope I've helped,
and best of luck ^_^

Heyloo!
I found this piece to be incredible! As a person that has experienced 2 suicides in my local communities over the past 2 years this poem means a lot and is very touching. I have a few friends that have attempted to kill themselves due to bullying and it's been very hard for them.
But to get back to you're piece, there are many errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation if you'd like me to I'd be willing to help you find them and change them (just send me a pm if you'd like my help). With some of the errors it is hard to read and understand a little because you use the wrong word for it and that shouldn't be too hard to fix. With the punctuation, you should put some commas in certain areas to help it flow so you don't just have a big run-on sentence that is difficult to understand.
Another thing I think would help your work flow is if you put it into stanzas so that it is broken up into subject groups almost. The only part that I think should be left in the format it is in, is the very last part of it.

7:53 was the time.

7 the hour in which it all ended.

7 family members crying over what i’ve done.

5 emotions i wished he showed.

5 punches that weren’t worth it.

3 words i wish he said.

3 words i wish i said.

Bullying kills everyone.