Published April 20, 2009
Taken 02/02/09, near my college in Cambridge, UK.
There's something about the bicycles:
stolid in the cold, over-snowed
by the languid back of winter. Femurs
disenjointed, forgotten for the now,
unattended; they surreptitiously
lean against the rails. As though
they were yearning, almost, towards
flesh. Once in a while I walk past
the carcasses chained in a row, illuminated
by the dark pearlescent glow of sludge;
and I think I know, I think I almost know
how they feel, waiting and wanting,
slumbering until some warm hands might
wake and lead them, trembling,
into the sun.
That there their rusted tendons
might unfurl, their dis-oiled vertebrae
critch-critch-crack and find their stride
in that unsteady graceless romp
that in its glad momentum discovers
something, if not freedom, then quite like it --
in short, that their old bones might feel again
(if they remember how).
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I would first like to say the poem was on a very diffrent topic that you truned around for the best. I think it is good to write about diffrent things and turn them in to your own. Not only does it make it diffrent then the others it all so makes it your own. Good job.
That was lovely; what a fantastic image! I don't think I'll look at bicycles the same way again XD
That said, though, there were a few things I thought you could improve on - actually, one thing, really. You have a tendency to use words with abandon, and I'm not sure all of them actually exist. "Disenjointed" for example, should be "disjointed," and "forgotten for the now" sounds awkward because the grammar is not quite right. "Dis-oiled" similarly strikes me as wrong, and thereby spoils the flow.
Other than that, though, as I said, this is a lovely poem. You have a compelling style and I'll look forward to reading some more of your work.
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hi gaylegoh! I'm ScriboErgoSum and I'll be critiquing your poem this morning.
First off, I think this is a fantastic poem. You've taken a subject most people would never even think of and described it just beautifully. I love the way you've compared bicycles' parts to human body parts: femurs, tendons, vertebrae. The poem is also very symbolic, and I love that too.
The line "As though they were yearning, almost, towards flesh" is the only thing that I don't like. Starting a sentence with "As though" bothers me, especially in poetry. It seems awkward and it sticks out, disrupting the flow of the rest of the poem.
Aside from that: brilliant. I never thought I could relate to a bicycle before.
Keep writing!