The Real You

gauravkundu32

Dragongirl, here to review!

I like the questions this poem presents. The content was tastefully done and your word choices were great. What I am going to focus on is how to make this poem flow a little better by changing a few things in your punctuation and rearranging a line or two.

O my lord, (My Lord, when referring to God is normally capitalized, however I recognize that you may not have capitalized this on purpose, as the person speaking is unsure of God, and who or what God is to them.) where are You?

In my quest of yours, In poetry it is easy to go crazy with the commas because we forget we can, mostly, punctuate normally. This comma isn't needed.

I went everywhere, Period here.[/p]

say, Church, I found Christ, A comma is great here but remember to be consistent in your capitalizing. I noticed that in the next line you used a capital I at the beginning of your sentence. That is fine, if you do that ever line, which you haven't. You might go back and check all your lines.

In the temple, reside the gods, A period here, would make this line even more powerful.

similar is the story with mosque and Gurudwara

Other than You I found everything I found everything, other than You. If you flipped these words as I just showed I feel that this would flow a bit better as well as ending the sentence.

say, wrath of yours as said by some

say, love of yours as said by the others

The sin, I do not know, when I committed An easy rule to remember with commas is this; if you isolate a phrase like I do not know the sentence should still make since if that phrase isn't there at all. This one doesn't, in fact, it doesn't really make sense with the phrase either. That I committed might make a bit more sense.

even before my birth they say, Again, a period would be nice here.

Those thoughts of lust,

ego and greed, lured me

for ephemeral ecstasy

Now I am in pain and anxiety.

I need your help

to understand your nature

and the "real" You Period need here.

If you do exist, then why did you allow

the splitting of your name,

the disasters in your name Question mark.

Don't you have a heart of pity

for me and the others like me question mark.

If you listen to this,

Please answer my questions, Inconsistent capitalization, Also I would end the sentence here rather than use a comma.

clear my doubts and free me

from the bondage of this world

full of cruelty and barbarity...

O my lord, where are You? Since you are capitalizing You I might also capitalize My Lord

Sybil's here for the promised review!

I would just like to say a few things before the enumeration of my nitpicks. First was that the message in this poem was good, personal and risky. Being an open-minded Christian, I don't see how this could offend anyone, which is good. We've all been there, looking abandoned and hopeless, searching for the guidance of the Almighty. You've nicely interpreted how you honestly felt about looking for God, this poem proves it.

In my quest of yours,

I went everywhere,

The sin, I do not know, when I committed

even before my birth they say,

Those thoughts of lust,

ego and greed, lured me

for ephemeral ecstasy

Hey! Nice poem I like the length and style of this. Some tips though that would make your poem look more professional would be capitalize "Lord" and though some people don't write poetry like this the first letter in every stanza should be capitalized, also you may not have noticed but you didn't capitalize "Mosque" either which things like these can be a common in writing but do watch for little things like that because correct punctuation is very important. Keep up the good work!

Hi, GreenTulip here to give you a review on your poem.

I am willing to say that this is a good poem, but the wording you choose made it difficult to read in parts. I had to go back and reread some of it, just to realize what the line actually said.

So as always I'll start with my Nitpicks.
The lines that start with "say" made it harder for me to understand how it fit into the poem. And the fat that you used it a total of three times made me lose focus in the first part of the poem. The to lines that start with "say", may be your character or whoever but I really do feel like they reflect poorly on your poem.

I am guilty of this also, but you HAVE to be careful about commas in the middle of your lines. It makes the breaks in the poem awkward and makes the flow choppy.

Now unto the Favorites.
I loved the last section of the poem in particular. I'll show you what parts and the reason behind it.

If you do exist, then why did you allow

the splitting of your name,

the disasters in your name