Published July 12, 2011
Angry beams of white light
pierce the ominous black sky
the puncture wounds bleed
stories of yesterday
dreams of tomorrow
One million years ago mingles with today
as the light dances
on the face of a stargazer
Time is irrelevant
the blanket will not protect you
from existing
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Canary word: Present
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,432 Reviews
Hey!
I thought you did a very good job of trying to paint the reader a picture of what you were trying to say, instead of telling them straight out. Imagery is a very important and difficult part of poetry, so I applaud you on a nice job! I loved that fact that you packed so much insight into 11 small lines (sometimes less is more!). I did not find anything that you need to edit...I just wanted to praise your work! :]
Keep writing,
Jessa
Hey there!
I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good when it comes to reviewing poetry, but I'm using the 'shuffle' button today and this popped up. I'll try my best to make this constructive, but I'm not promising anything.
As someone who knows nothing about how to write or read poetry, at first glance, I think this was nice. I liked the imagery you used. My favourite lines being these -
I'm a sucker for pretty imagery
I don't quite know if you're trying to tell the reader a story through this poem. I myself didn't get that feel. Instead it was more like you were using the words to create a picture.
Either way, I liked it!
xDudettex
First things first - you cannot use capitalization and have good grammar without punctuation. I know I do this a lot as well, and I apologize for being hypocritical, but it just doesn't work well enough. You had some nice one-liners, but there was nothing really emotional about the poem, and it didn't make me feel sad or happy or desolate; in general, it was a little too ordinary. Have some fire. Use flair whenever you can, and think of words and phrases that no-one else's mind has conceived yet. Perhaps you're an experienced writer and I'm harshing your buzz here, but it honestly has a lot of potential which I'm sure you could expand upon. Otherwise, it was good.