okay, this isn't one of my best pieces, but I'm considering using it at the beginning of a new story, so i need a lot of reviews (p.s.-this is my first post)
so...here it goes...
------------------
The cirrus-streaked sky darkened as a thick haze rose from the bloody ground. A single man stood alone on the battlefield that was flooded with carnage. His sword sunk into the mud as he dropped it from his side. The man tilted his head upward and crashed to his knees. A low moan escaped his mouth as he touched his forehead to the ground...
---
A gunshot pierced the silence of the forest. Petro dropped out of his sprint and onto his stomach as a bullet struck the tree in front of him. He shook his head, temporarily dismissing the memory of his dream and got up, heart pounding, mind racing.
More bullets were fired at him. He covered his head with his arms and took off again. A searing pain suddenly erupted in his shoulder. He stopped immediately and tenderly felt that area. Blood instantly covered his hand. Petro recoiled his arm as merciless stinging took over his body.
He heard shouts from about thirty yards away and started running once more. A single shot was fired after him. He felt the heat from it as it whizzed past his ear. He kept his rapid pace, but reached up to touch his ear, making sure not to use his injured shoulder at all. More blood. The bullet had just caught the bottom of his earlobe.
Petro swore furiously and tried to ignore it. To ignore everything and focus on escaping. To ignore the extreme pain in his shoulder. To ignore the blood that was soaking his entire shirt. To ignore the fact that his whole left arm was completely useless. To ignore the blood dripping from his ear...To ignore...The log that he had just tripped over--sending him sprawling to the ground.
Something jumped onto his back--pinning him into the dirt. His head hit a large rock and everything went black.
Whoever--or more so--whatever had been chasing him, finally had him: no way to ignore it.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Jasmine's DeathPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
I found it to be really cool. I thought you had really good description without too many details.
The plot was very good and it looked like you put a lot of thought into it.
The dream scene was well thought and very cool. I also love it that the man is being chased by a girl and that the man actually seems to be frightened instead of scoffing.
Overall I really enjoyed it.
I thought this was really neat. It had good description and a very good ending. I enjoyed it!
This was really good! So good, that I was only able to catch one thing:
This sentence is waaay too descriptive, take out the things I've crossed out and it should be fine. Description is good, but not too much of it.
Everything else that I noticed was already pointed out by everyone. Also, I really don't think that the dream sequence is necessary, it's confusing and not needed.
I feel bad that I wasn't able to crit much, but since it was so short, there wasn't really much to edit that others haven't pointed out.
Ii liked it, the action was good. Work on your grammer some, listen to the comments these guys are making, they'll help you a lot. The better your grammer is the more positive reviews you will have. I would like to see more, hope you have toime to update. Don't leave it here please, I must have more!
Thankls for writing this and posting it here!
Scorpia
just a few things dude. first use a few more discriptions in your writing. "as a bullet struck a tree in front of him" is kinda, blah (exciting, but blah). you could write it more like "as a led(or whatever) bullet struck the old, wind-worn tree in front of the man/boy"
I know you heard this two times before, but lets sink it in a little further. Your last line was unneaded ( like dough!). Also, Pedro or Petro or Pancake(im not scrolling the whole way to top to check) couldn't ignore anything. he's knocked out.
other than that it was good.
P.S.you should put The Hunt on here
P.S.P.S. how in the world did you write 11 reviews already?!?!
P.S.P.S.P.S. heh heh, this is fun
-speaker head
hmmmm...... until i read the first comment i had no idea that the first paragaph was supposed to be a dream....=-/ i definately think it sets up a good beginning for an action book. i agree with the "no way to ignore it" to be a no-brainer. that sounds a little cheesy. i mean if he's knocked out then i dont think he'd be TRYING to ignore it, so why point out that he CAN'T? try something like "Whoever--or more so--whatever had been chasing him, finally had him-and there was no way to escape." i don't know, something a little more dramatic.
-mary jane-
The cirrus-streaked sky darkened as a thick haze rose from the bloody ground. A single man stood alone on the battlefield that was flooded with carnage. This is unnecessary; I think the bloody ground mentioned in the previous sentence covers it.
His sword sunk into the mud as he dropped it from his side. - His sword dropped from his side and sank into the mud.
The man tilted his head upward and crashed to his knees. A low moan escaped his mouth as he touched his forehead to the ground... - as his forehead touched the ground.
- I'm not sure what I think about this little section at the top. It's supposed to be a dream? But how is it necessary?
Ack! Passive voice! I would do something like, More bullets flew past. Something to make it active.
I like this part a lot.
Something? Not someone? I guess my thought process is, if it can fire a gun, then it's considered a 'someone', not a 'something', but this is a stylistic choice.
"No way to ignore it" - I don't really like this last line. It's kind of like, well, duh.
Overall, I like this piece, it flows nicely and the action reads like action should. Good job!