this wasnt that confsing
hahahahahhahhah^ whoops
whatev
anyway i didnt understand why she died, i think you should change the way she dies and this would be a better story
this is a great chapter btww
keep writing
okay, so this is an excerpt from a book that i wrote earlier this year. its the second to last chapter...i hope its not too confusing...
--------------------
John stuck out the flat edge of his blade. Jasmine tripped over it and fell into the snow. Guessing, she rolled--with force--in one direction. She ran into John's legs and kept rolling. He crashed forward into the blanket of white.
Jasmine got to her feet, but John--still on the ground--cut into her leg. She remained calm, and tried to work around it (unsuccessfully).
John laughed at her efforts as he stood. Mumbling incomprehensibly to himself, he lunged forward, but stopped before he could go more than a foot. An invisibe force knocked Jasmine back against a wall. She hit her head painfully hard and then collapsed in the snow.
This all happened just as Ancion entered the alley. Fueled by anger and fear, he ran up and swung his sword out at John. He easily defended himself. Before either of them could spring another attack, an arrow whizzed by Ancion's ear and lodged into John's shoulder. He hesitated; surprised.
Sensing his distraction, Ancion stabbed him in the stomach. John slid backward off the blade--his blood staining the snow.
Putting down his bow, Joshua helped Keara and Ala gather up the rest of the enemy knights.
Of the original six hundred fifty people that had fought for them, Joshua counted roughly around sixty survivors (with no or minor injuries). Twenty of them took the enemy captives back to camp, while the other forty tended to the wounded.
---
Ancion struggled to keep Jasmine in consciousness as another remaining troop made an attempt to stop her bleeding.
Jasmine's eyes were open (though she could not see). She knew who was near her. She knew that they had won. And she knew that she was going to die. She felt the cold, wet snow falling onto her face and cushioning the ground beneath her. She knew that she should feel cold and shivering in the freezing temperatures. But she didn't. For the first time in a long time, she felt relatively relaxed.
Ancion held her head in his hands and whispered to her.
"Give it a rest, Ancion." Jasmine muttered. "There's...Nothing you can do..."
He shook his head--tears welling up in his eyes. "You're not going to die, Jasmine. I promise you; you won't die."
"You know...It's not your promise to make..." she sighed. "And I promise you...That I'll die...And you'll move on in your life..."
Ancion was about to say something, but she stopped him. "You're going...To be a great king, Ancion..." Jasmine slowly lifted her hand and drew something in the snow beside her.
Ancion didn't look at it--he kept his focus on Jasmine as tears cascaded down his cheeks.
"I can't go on without you..." he told her softly--his hand shaking as he brushed a piece of hair away from her face.
"Death...is the end of one person...the living...must go on..." Jasmine smiled lightly in a sad, apologetic manor. She stiffened and closed her eyes--the lines of fear and pain smoothing away.
Ancion held her tightly in his arms. He looked through tears at where her hand lay in the snow--right next to the symbols she had drawn. He understood immediately and a wave of depression enveloped around him. Ancion brought Jasmine's body closer to him still and pressed his forehead to hers as he whispered brokenly what she had written in the snow; "Ninety-two."
----------
92 is an inside thing that you'd only understand if you read the book...
this wasnt that confsing
hahahahahhahhah^ whoops
whatev
anyway i didnt understand why she died, i think you should change the way she dies and this would be a better story
this is a great chapter btww
keep writing
JOCELYN!!!! you need to use this as your writing against Ty. clean it up a lil, revise it and this could be AMAZINGG!!!!
I honestly think this is probably one of my favorite selections out of everything i've ever read from you. that was amazing. But in your competition thing, you'll have to add some other details. sorta explain things and such. with as little words as possible. hah.
well, gabe, i just copied this straight out of my book, so the chapter before is when jasmine looses her sight. and thats when she continues to fight with out vision.
and the description was already taken care of in the previous chapters...
its an exerpt. i wasn't going to change this chapter around just to post it on hear.
this is exactly how i wrote it, and the last few chapters covered most of what you're saying.
and the invisisble force is john. well, johns magic. hes an alchamyst. which was already established in the main battle chapter.
-GC10
I know everybody has already told you this but I'm gonna tell you it again just to get on your nerves.falling into a white blanket of snow doesn't fit the mood.
Also, you should tell everybody that jasmine is blind, because i think people were kinda gettin confused.
i agree with mark, a description of the setting is always important. It gives the reader a feel of what it would be like.
"He hesitated; surprised.
Sensing his distraction, Ancion stabbed him in the stomach."
I don't think you need the "sensing his distraction" part. If someone got shot in the shoulder i would sense his distraction too.
And what do you mean by, "an invisible force knocked jasmine back" what invisible force. over all that whole fight is a little confusing.
but that's looking on the negative side. overall it's a great piece.
PS Ya know that whole idea about making the sequel about Will the main book and making this a side book. I'm not a fan of that idea
I loved how she died. You did really well with that part as well with John's death. That was the interesting part.
I however agree that the "falling into a blanket of white snow" doesn't make it seem very dramatic. It need a bit more.
The ending was very good and I really enjoyed it. You did very well
That was awesome. I know I didn't read the whole thing, but who is John?? Maybe I didn't get far enough into the story yet, because I only got to chapter 20 or so, but..yeah. 
Overall, I loved it.
Add more detail, what pain was she feeling, where is she at. Things like that. It was not too confusing, since I have not read the rest of the story I do not know who the characters are. Jasmine was like a hard fighter I think. She went down kind of easy, or it seemed that way to me.
With all that snow they must of been kinda cold. Since they are rolling around in it and all, lol.
It was kind of confusing when I'm trying to remember who's POV I'm in now. You get a paragrapth about one character then skip to another. I think it should stay with one character as long as it can before moving it to another character.
It was pretty good.
Scorpia
It was a little hard for me to get into, but I think it was partially because it was an excerpt and I hadn't had the entire book to get used to these character and learn to love them.
My biggest critique is of the parentheses. They really didn't seem necessary where you had them. In most of the cases, you could take them out, leaving the words as they are and they would work fine. They took away from the work.
Ninety-two, eh? *waggles eyebrows* Mysterious, is it? I'd like to get the inside thing. Would you post more of this?
You do a bit of POV skipping around. In the beginning, it is Jasmine's POV, then Ancion's, then Jasmine's, then Ancion's again. It is a bit confusing and not at all consistent. A better choice would be to pick one POV and stick with it, or make sure you clearly divide when their POV starts and ends. Something
***
like that would work very well, along with
_________
something like that. It just clears up possible confusion.
Anyway, this was pretty good. I think it should be made a little more clear just what it was that killed Jasmine. Was it the clunk on the head, or was there something else before this excerpt began? As is, it almost seems as though she just fell down and suddenly she is dying. A little confusing...
*thumbs up* Keep on writin'!
~GryphonFledgling
I loved the story and would love to read the whole thing!
I don't think you need to tell what the setting is right there. It should go before this so it doesn't take away from what's happening. We know that its snowy and that there's a wall that she hits her head on.
I don't really understand the
...John--still on the ground--cut into her leg. She remained calm, and tried to work around it (unsuccessfully).
is she working around the pain? his blade? what?
Was she unsuccessful at staying calm or getting around it?
wow. that's actually decent. i totally agree with mark's blanket of snow thing... it sounds too comforting. i think you described her death really well, and, unlike mark i don't think the setting matters. i was too into it to care what it looked like.... it didnt really matter.
-mary-
wow. that's actually decent. i totally agree with mark's blanket of snow thing... it sounds too comforting. i think you described her death really well, and, unlike mark i don't think the setting matters. i was too into it to care what it looked like.... it didnt really matter.
-mary-
Wow-E P-zowie! 
That was a totally awesome tidbit of your book. It made me want to cry, 
laugh, 
and cry again 
. I think that you shouldn't describe the letter 92 as a "pattern". It's a number. It was really violent and actiony. 
I don't get why that Jasmine girl died. All she did was fall in the snow. Is she really weak or is her death mysterious and unexplained? 
You should totally write a happy piece though 'cause all your stories are DEATH! I don't know why you rated it PG-13 though because The Lion King and Finding Nemo have death but they're G. Also, death is... 
the ciiiiiiiiiiiirclllllllllle of llllllliiiiiiiiiffffffffe. 
honestly? that's how she goes? one man killed her? I think that after all shes been through she should've fought five people and killed them all, ignoring the pain searing through her body till at the very end after she'd givin the last death bearing blow.
but still, sweet!
ummmmm...............now for the critique!
first, describe where they are. Is the alley light or dark? happy or creepy?
second, the line " he crashed into the blanket of white" makes it seem like it didn't hurt him one bit. it should be more like " he crashed into the cold hard snow"
take it or leave it. post the next chapter please!!!
from- me!
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