Cold is Coming
It is cold and I hide
from the biting frost outside
it is coming
faster
faster
run
hide
smother in warmth
the cold is inside
make it last
as I fast
from warmth
and sun
from warmth
and sun
Come With Me
Come with me
and let us flee
from the absurd idea of insanity
We fly and leap and soar and dream
lying in the light of the cold moon beam
We run from prejudice, fear and hate
forget the ideas they create
forget the judging, taunts, and jeers
continued on for years and years
but for now let us run wild
remember when we were but child
when times were simpler, easy and loose
when life was of painless use
We run and laugh and think and ponder
of all that lays beyond the yonder
come with and we will see
the true meaning of insanity
Mechanical Bird
Click, click, click
Tick, tick, tick
Chirp
Click, click, click
Tick, tick, tick
Flap
gears grind
they click and chirp
tick and flap
they rub against each other and interweave to create life
Click, click, click
Tick, tick, tick
Chirp
Click, click, click
Tick, tick, tick
Flap
slowly
cogs
connect
slowly
gears
collide
wings flap
rustle
rustle
beak opens
creak
creak
Cage unlocks
kechunch
kechunch
gears work together
slowly
slowly
the bird flies away
wings up
wings down
goodbye bird
goodbye
click
click
goodbye
tick
tick
goodbye mechanical bird
Starry Sky
Drept did I
the starry sky
filled with lights
that shoot and fly
sparkles soar
and comets blaze
as I watch face to amaze
Oh starry sky
why
that you must leave
when dawn comes breaking in
oh starry sky
I do cry
when the blaze grows dim
My sleep did fade
as I shade
the daylight from my eye
I wake up I say
for a new day
goodbye my starry sky
When I Leave You
when I leave you
don’t cry
when I leave you
don’t sob
when I leave you
don’t regret all that you did to me
when I leave you
smile
when I leave you
laugh
when I leave you
remember all the good times we had
when I leave you
think
when I leave you
reminisce
when I leave you
don’t forget about me
Why Do You
why do you criticize me
everything I do
why do you tell me no
that it’s you I must look to
I have my ideas
my own beliefs and plan
but you have to put me down
making my life bere and bland
I don’t put faults in you
nor do I point out flaws
it’s like you are controlling me
filling my life special laws
Someday I will leave
Fly away and break free
someday you will know
of all you did to me...
Frozen Breezes
bite my nose
take my gloves
frost does what it does
I want to fight
I must take flight
But I wait for the sun
for the sun will be back
and then the frost
it will attack
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I loved 'Come with me'. It was good.
could you specify, what was "good" about it? What good I change to make it better?
You could, maybe add more of the hope factor. Freedom is directly related to hope.
Hi there!
That doesn't even make grammatical sense. That's what we call a forced rhyme. Since you have a few forced rhymes in your other pieces as well, I won't speak any more on this subject. However, take a look at this article: Rhyme...all the time! It's very helpful with defining different kinds of rhymes and forced rhyming.Before I go into a detailed review of each poem, I'm going to suggest that you post these individually, as you'll get more detailed reviews on them that way. You have a few reviews, but there's really too much here to really get excellently in depth reviews.
I.
I appreciate the way you let words have their own line to increase dramatic effect, but this poem needs more substance. Why is the narrator running so much from the cold? I feel like this might have a deeper meaning, but without clues to tell the reader what the cold symbolizes, it's kind of bleh.
I wouldn't use so much repetition in your poem since it is so short. While repetition is a poetic device, it tends to work better in poems that are longer because the repetition in that case isn't annoying, but serves to remind the reader of what the author's message is. Here, we don't know what the message is, and so the repetition seems redundant and of not much use to anyone.
Show, don't tell. "It is cold" is okay, but the biting frost is much better. How does it spread? Show us with more varied vocabulary and imagery.
II.
The rhyme scheme is distracting. I suggest you remove it in this poem, as you have some forced rhymes, and it really does nothing to augment the poem. Never let your rhyme scheme dictate what you say. Let me point out this line:
I don't understand where the poem went. First the narrator and this other are running from insanity, and then they are finding what the true meaning is? I also don't understand the point. What is the point of running from bad things if you're going to lose yourself in memories of the past? I don't think the message makes sense. That might be partially because the rhyme totally takes over, taking the poem in a completely illogical direction.
III.
There are so many unneeded words in this poem. The message can be contained in a few lines. There is nothing that makes the reader think, "I really got something out of this" because it's all sounds. While it's an interesting experiment, it wasn't effective. My advice is to strip away all the words except what the poem is actually about, and then see where it goes from there, keeping in mind that readers will skip over the noises because there is so much repetition of them that they know what's coming.
Don't use so many one word lines. It makes the rhythm choppy.
I think it might work better if this poem was about a cuckoo clock, as well. A mechanical bird isn't something everyone can connect with seeing, but an interesting poem might be about a cuckoo clock bird flying away. As it is, this mechanical bird holds no significance, but maybe a cuckoo clock bird would evoke different emotions in the reader because they know what it is. I have no idea why there is a mechanical bird or what the significance is right now. But a cuckoo clock? It's to tell time, obviously. Time to fly away!
IV.
"Drept" isn't an English word. It's actually the Romanian word for right (the direction). Did you mean "dreamed"?
Is the narrator talking about fireworks and losing them? Interesting. But what does the reader get out of it? Try to include the significance of losing the night for the narrator. It might provide some context for the reader, and might evoke some emotion.
You have some forced rhymes in this one, too. Real life syntax is where it's at in poetry. Would you say "I do cry" in real life? I doubt it.
to amaze what? What face are you watching? What are you doing while you're doing this? Who am I? What year is it? This line doesn't make any sense at all.
V.
So you're leaving someone, but you don't want them to be sad? But you know, absence of people that others love causes sadness because, you know, alone.
The repetition becomes highly irritating. Once or twice is enough, not every other line.
I don't see how this poem is bringing anything new to the table. These sentiments have been expressed in many poems, in this way, many times. Try finding new ways in your language to express the same idea. Read this article. It will help. Cliches in Poetry
VI.
I highly doubt that the other is criticizing everything the narrator does.
What's bere? Did you mean "bare"?
This poem seems awfully self centered. I don't really see the point in the narrator reading this. It feels like a journal entry that kind of rhymes. An angsty one. Make sure that the narrator isn't just whining about life and being dramatic. Here's a nice article on that: Navel Gazing
Also, never end a poem on an ellipsis. It makes the poem feel unfinished.
VII.
This seems like the exact same poem as the first one with slightly more description. It's very similar to the first in the way that the rhymes sound forced in places, and we still don't know what the cold represents. Why is the narrator fighting it?
Why is the sun coming out, and then the frost attacking? Shouldn't it be the other way around? The last part is confusing.
__
One thing I didn't really mention while I was going through your poems is your lack of imagery in a lot of them. Even when you did have imagery, I found it vague. The way to make your descriptions less vague is to compare things to what readers are likely to be familiar with. Some of the imagery was fine, but I wanted more of it. For example, in the last poem, where is the narrator? Outside, waiting for the cold to get her? Or inside, looking out a window, fearing how cold it's going to be? I'm not telling you to describe the surroundings completely, just give us a clue so we can have more context in the poem. Altogether, vagueness was a big thing in your poems. Moar context, please!
I hope that this review was useful to you. Have a nice day, and keep writing.
THANKS YOU SO MUCH! I love reviews like this where the reviewer actually tells me something to change to make it better, most people are just like "yeah, it's really good"
Your writing is very compelling to read. Great use of rhetoric and structure to bring each poem full circle; that is a challenge for a lot of writers. Often they leave the reader with an unfinished feeling, or a cliff-hanger if you will.
)
Cold is Coming
The relationships conveyed throughout this piece between cold and warmth and inside and outside enhance the rhythmic flow and reiteration. Your ability to do this constantly keeps the reader engaged in the focus of the poem instead of allowing unrelated thoughts to intrude. Wonderful technique!
Come With Me
Come With Me captured me instantly and held my interest so well, that I found myself smiling and mentally stimulated when I finished reading it so much so that I reread it a few times. Incorporating polysyndeton gave a lot of rhythmic variation and concept wise, excellent organization through chiasmus! (I apologize if you're unfamiliar with these terms; after a year of AP English and drilling them into my brain, they are kind of stuck there. I can, however, explain if need be.
Mechanical Bird
Once again, beautiful use of chiasmus; this time using parallelism as well as repetition was genius! I love the crescendo that your choppy structure (The good kind of choppy) builds before its ending. I do, however, have a critique regarding:
"they rub against each other and interweave to create life."
This section sticks out from the rest of the poem. I suggest breaking this idea down into smaller segments with word organization. Maybe something like:
"Against each other they rub
Interweaving
Creating Life."
Same words, different organization.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful words! You, my friend, have created one of my favorite poems "Come With Me."
These are very good! However, I offer you a challenge. I think you should now try writing a poem in which each stanza is a full line instead of just one/a few words. There's nothing wrong with what you have, but all you poems seem to follow this structure so, just for the sake of variation, it's good for a poet or poetess to try new things.
Keep up the good work!
I love your poetry. They are beautifully written. They convey clear messages, and have an excellent fluency.
Why Do You
I found that to be extremely relatable. I am not currently in a situation like that, but i found it to be very relatable to something that i went through. The only note that i have about that one is that i feel that your capitalization was fairly inconsistent.
When I Leave You
This is also very relatable. The only note that i have is for the beginning. This is just an opinion, but i felt that instead of saying don't cry, don't sob, maybe use another action that conveys sadness, like when you said, laugh, smile?
Starry Sky
This is beautiful. I think that it is one of my favorites. It has such wonderful fluency, and it captures the sadness of inevitability so well.
Mechanical Bird
I really enjoyed the message that you have conveyed in this one. I also love your use of repetition. It really captures the idea of forced drudgery well.
Come With Me
I personally enjoy poetry that speaks about views of society. I think that you have done this very well. Also, i enjoyed your word choice. The poem was just altogether lovely.
Cold is Coming
It really is human nature to hold on to things. I love how you showed sentimentality in this one, and also fear of change. It is also very well written, as all of them are.
I very much enjoy your writing style. It flows so well, and i can just hear the beauty of it in my mind. When i read them, i strongly felt that they should be read aloud to many people. You should be proud of your work. Feel free to ignore my suggestions, they really were tiny things that could go either way.
thank you so much for your review! I love it when people go to that much effort to write such a detailed review!