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12+ Violence

On the Ferris Wheel

by gabriellalacivita


On the Ferris Wheel

It was the perfect night for a carnival, the moon was bright, the air was crisp, and everyone was smiling and joyous. The ferris wheel in the distance was glowing a bright array of colors, and the carnival was filled with laughter and cheering. Kane adjusted his jacket and strolled over to a booth of carnival games, listening to the leaves crunching underneath his boots.

After playing a multitude of carnival games, Kane checked the time and made his way over to the illuminated ferris wheel. He hears heavy breathing from behind him, and Kane quickly spins around, only to see two little girls fighting over a caramel apple. He shook his head, and continues walking.

He finally gets into line, and loosens his scarf, leaving it to hang loosely around his neck. As he’s waiting for his turn, he overhears a couple talking. “Look! The Invisible Killer escaped from prison!”the man yells, and everyone gathers around the couple. Kane feels someone brush up against him, and he swats his neck, feeling something burn. He looks back and sees a man with blonde hair walk in front of him as he shoves something in his pocket. Kane tightens his scarf again, and runs to catch up with the moving line.

Kane turns on his phone and scrolls through Twitter, reading the news about the escaped murderer. Goosebumps go down his spine as he reads what the killer did to his victims. He’d inject someone with poison on an open spot of their skin, and then run away. The poison would slowly break down in the body, slowly killing the person. The killer would then come back to the victim to watch them die, and then carries the body away. An uneasy feeling washed over Kane, and he hastily turns off his phone. “Next,” an employee calls, and Kane walks onto the ferris wheel cart. He sits down, and the man he saw earlier sits across from him.

The man messes with something in his pocket, and slowly brings his hand out in a tight fist. He starts to tap his foot rapidly, and breathes heavily. “Hey, uh, are you okay there?” Kane hesitantly asks, and Kane slowly slides to the exit of the cart. The man swallows, “Yes, sorry, I have a fear of heights.” Kane nods his head, “No worries, we all have fears,” he smiles at the latter, “What’s your name?” He asks, “Luke.” the man states. Before Kane could tell the latter his name, Luke turns away and shuts his eyes.

Kane eyed Luke warily as he ran his fingers through his ratty hair and shook his head fiercely. All of the sudden the ferris wheel jerked to a stop, and Kane flung to the side. He gagged as he hit his throat against the door, and fell back onto the seat. As he gets up, he looks Luke into the eyes and sees a glint of amusement in his eyes.

A loud alarm blares throughout the carnival, and all the rides around them stop. Kane can hear the employees below them yelling over the alarm, “That serial killer is here!” one of the employees yells, and he hears Luke stifle a laugh. “Dude what is wrong with you?” Kane questions, and Luke rolls his eyes, “It’s just funny how everyone panics over a rumor.”

“You really think this is a joke?” Kane scoffs, “What if it’s true and we get killed?” Luke then chuckles, “Do you really think a serial killer who just escaped would immediately try and murder someone?” Kane pauses to think, “Don’t answer that.” Luke says in a monotone voice.

Kane goes onto his phone, getting ready to call the police and hopefully they could get everyone off the rides. The call fails, and he realizes that he has no service. “I just had service a few minutes ago, what happened?” he mumbled to himself, going back onto Twitter to scroll through his already loaded feed. As he’s looking down at his phone he notices that Luke’s wrists have a bracelet of raw skin around them, and Kane looks away. He turns his attention back to his phone, and sees a photo of Luke. He opens the photo, and looks up to Luke. “Why are you on my Twitter?” Luke's eyes widen, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kane hands him his phone, “That’s you, isn’t it?” Luke licks his lips, “No, that’s not me.”

Kane suddenly starts to feel really nauseous, and he puts his hand onto his forehead, feeling really warm. He takes off his scarf, and unbuttons his jacket.”I need to get off this ride, I feel horrible.” Luke stands up, and leans over the railing, “The employees are gone, everyones panicking.” Kane sighs heavily, “Lets see if there’s a way down.” Luke nods, and looks at his watch. They both leaned over the railing, looking for a set of emergency stairs or a ladder. “See anything?’ Kane asks, and from behind him Luke responds, “Nope, keep looking.” Kane feels Luke breathe heavily from behind him, and Kane stands up straight.

Kane groans as a heat wave flashes over him, “I’m going to sit down.” Luke nods, “I’ll get you some water.” Kane looks up at him, “Really?” Luke nods, “Here.” Kane takes the water graciously, the iron tang of the water being ignored by how thirsty he was. Luke sits down beside him, “I have a way off.” Luke says confidently, Kane nods groggily, his ears started to ring and his eyes start to close. “What is it?” he croaks. Luke brings a finger to his lips, “Just trust me, Kane.” Kane forces his eyes open, “I never told you my name,” He tries to sit up, Luke laughs and pushes him back down onto the seat. “I know all about you.” Kane shuts his eyes, and he feels his fingers tingle. “Now trust me, I have a way off.” Kane groans in protest, and he feels Luke put his rough fingers against his lips. “By the way, the answer was yes.”


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29 Reviews


Points: 67
Reviews: 29

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Sun Feb 23, 2020 11:19 pm
MoonlightForest wrote a review...



Hi there! It's Moonlight Forest here to review your piece :)

So, right off the bat I can see that you have real skill with formulating plots. There is clearly some internal and external conflict that you establish straightaway in the story, which I totally commend you for. We follow Kane as he climbs into the Ferris Wheel and travels up towards the top, where he is confronted with the knowledge that he sits directly across from the invisible killer. It's so juicy, I love it! I think your description is good so far, but could use just a little bit more. For example, what is Kane smelling when he sees the girls with the candy apples? Thinking? Feeling?

I would also suggest giving us a bit of context as to why Kane matters. For example, why couldn't this story be told from anyone else's point of view? Given everything we know about Kane (which is not a lot), he is an observant guy who's well-informed on the news. So what? What is Kane thinking about, being alone at a carnival in the middle of the night? Who or what is he thinking about before reading the Twitter post? In your piece so far, what's missing is a glimpse into Kane's life, beyond physical description, that makes him matter to us as readers. I personally can visualize Kane, but I don't care what happens to him, which is a problem.

In terms of working on this piece, I would suggest examining your characters and making them full round rather than just benchmarks for your story to get from Point A to Point B. I get that plot is important, but if your readers aren't interested in the characters, how are they going to be affected by the problems those characters run into? Anyway, overall I enjoyed reading your piece and I would love to read more. The plot you came up with was enthralling and it would just take a bit of editing to bring this story from good to amazing.




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107 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 4:21 am
Asith wrote a review...



Hello and happy review day!

While I like the concept of the story, and your narrative voice in general, here's some criticism:

1) Probably the biggest issue in your writing, and thankfully the easiest to fix, is that your dialogue is horribly formatted. You must begin a new line every time the speaker changes. It's the norm; it's what readers expect; it makes it much easier to get through. You don't want to make a reader struggle! Additionally. pay close attention to the punctuation you use. You seem to have a decent understanding of this, but you also mess up occasionally, so here's a tipbox:

When you use 'he said' or something similar, it's part of the same sentence, so you use speech marks with a comma.
"I like coffee cake," he said.

You use speech marks with a period if you start with a new sentence after the dialogue.
"I like coffee cake." He put down his fork.

It is also a new sentence, and therefore a period, if the next bit is not a way of saying something.
"I like coffee cake," he whispered.
"I like coffee cake." He shrugged.
See the difference? He can whisper the words, but he can't shrug them. That's a very common mistake, and one to watch for.


2) Tense control: another thing that, when done badly. confuses readers and makes reading your story a pain. You have to stick to a tense in your writing. In your case, you jump from present to past to present in your verbs; pay closer attention and practice this!

3) You general understanding of storytelling is good! You've got the set-up, the conflict, and the climax leading to an ending. However, it's not so good to leave this as such a skeleton as you have. I didn't really feel immersed in the story, because I felt as if I knew where the story was going to go from the start! I think a big problem may be the talking-heads dialogue you throw in for unnecessary exposition (“That serial killer is here!"); the really doesn't really need it, and no one talks like that in real life! This is just something you'll get better at with practice, so don't berate yourself over it too much :)


Other than that, this is a really fun plot for you to expand upon later. Keep writing, you are clearly cut out for this!




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29 Reviews


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Reviews: 29

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Sat Jan 25, 2020 12:26 am
BlackThorne wrote a review...



1.

It was the perfect night for a carnival, the moon was bright, the air was crisp, and everyone was smiling and joyous.

the flow is a bit off. try breaking it up a bit.
Example:
It was the perfect night for a carnival. The moon was bright and the air was crisp, and everyone was smiling and joyous.


2.
The ferris wheel in the distance was glowing a bright array of colors, and the carnival was filled with laughter and cheering.

I think you meant "in" a bright array of colors. also this could be tweaked to be less wordy.
Among the laughter and cheering of the carnival. the Ferris wheel glowed in a bright array of colors.


3.
After playing a multitude of carnival games, Kane checked the time and made his way over to the illuminated ferris wheel.

"a multitude" is very jarring phrasing, as well as the "after" structure, both of which make us feel like we're reading a summary instead of a story. try being more in the moment.
He'd played a few games now. He checked the time, and then made his way over to the ferris wheel.


4.
He shook his head, and continues walking.

this is one of the clearest examples of a recurring problem: inconsistent tenses. they're everywhere in this story. past tense is more common, but making it all of either displayed tenses would be fine.

5.
“Look! The Invisible Killer escaped from prison!”

wow, look, oh my gosh, the serial killer escaped from prison! as a whole the whole "serial killer" plot is very cliche and fabricated, but to be honest, that's not really a problem-until you get dialogue like this, which just seems a bit too blatantly unrealistic-unless you're trying to poke fun at the cliche, but it doesn't really seem like that's what's going on.

6.
He’d inject someone with poison on an open spot of their skin, and then run away. The poison would slowly break down in the body, slowly killing the person. The killer would then come back to the victim to watch them die, and then carries the body away.

rewording would make this much more readable.
He’d inject someone with poison on an open spot of their skin, and then wait it to break down before making off with the body.


7.
Kane nods his head, “No worries, we all have fears,” he smiles at the latter, “What’s your name?” He asks, “Luke.” the man states. Before Kane could tell the latter his name, Luke turns away and shuts his eyes.

the dialogue here is...well first of all, it's not formatted correctly. you have to form a new line when someone new starts talking. there's also the cumbersome dialogue tags. and "the latter" really confused me. the latter of what? all of the dialogue seems to have these issues. hope this helps.
Example:
Kane nodded. “No worries, we all have fears," he said, smiling. “What’s your name?”
“Luke," he answered, turning away.


8.
“Now trust me, I have a way off.”

a little proofreading will tell us that Luke's statement doesn't make sense.

neat story, especially the ending! as I was reading it I realized it was a lot like my short story, that's pretty cool :)






Thank you so much for the criticism, to be honest, I'm definitely not the best with dialogue and I've been working on it! Now I know what to do to make the story a lot better and flow a lot more. :)



BlackThorne says...


no problem!




“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken