The bell rings and we are the first ones out of the school gates. “ Our first day of school, how special” smirks Alec.
I shrugged, “ wasn’t that bad. At least we know who they are”
Alec becomes serious again and nods, agreeing with me. We made a left and started to walk to our new home. Our creator said he had left the keys under the welcome mat. What a stupid place to leave keys, especially with the half a million dollars he’s’ left us with. Like I’ve said before, he thinks spoiling us will change our attitude towards him. It won’t. Ever.
“Do we make a right here?” Alec asks looking both ways down the street.
I nod and become conscious of people around us. I pull myself out of independent thoughts and try to start a conversation with Alec, like most people do around here.
“ So, they are the one’s right? The ones were looking for?” I ask, already knowing they are.
“Yeah, but they don’t seem like it, you know?” and he raises one eyebrow.
“But dang, I can’t wait til we get to spend all that money, now that’s a mission!” he exclaims.
I roll my eyes and yawn. Alec’s point of view at getting back at the creator was to drive him bankrupt with his money, and that way he would have to close the laboratory. It wasn’t a bad idea, just not a possible one. At least he didn’t worship him like his people that he hired. Scared and average moneymakers who wanted to become rich by this damned man. As if he had all the power in the world.
Alec went on about his theory, “ I’m telling you, he’s so busy messing us up with chemicals, he won’t even notice that twenty millions dollars is missing from his account!” and he puts his hands together and laughs like a mad scientist.
I laugh.
“ Alec, as much as I would like that to happen, never gonna” I stated.
He measures his hands up and down, “ 50/50 chance bro” and we approached the new house.
The top half of it was covered in a simple white paint, while the bottom half was patterned in brick. As the creator said, the keys were under the welcome mat and we turned the knob into our new sanctuary. It was already furnished with European designer labels in each room including the backyard, which had a giant pool. I choose my room in the front of the house. It was roomy and everything I’ve always wanted in my own room. A simple desk, cable TV, laptop computer, and selves full of knickknacks to give the room flavor. The best part I loved about the room was the wide-open windows looking on to the mountains. I smiled, this room was meant for me.
I took a look around the rest of the house. A Big kitchen, which I was happy to have so I could continue my cooking hobbies. Alec was dying over the big wreak room in the attic, which he vowed that he was going to sleep in tonight. Then on the couch in the living room was the black bag full of cash our creator had left us to spend freely. For once in my lifetime, I felt that I was back home with my family. Then I quickly reminded myself that I didn’t have my family anymore and that this all came from the person I hated. Now to go spend this jerks money.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Welcome to Young Writers Society!
I notice you have posted this without doing any reviews. The rules are that you must do 2 reviews to every story you post - That way everyone gets a good chance of being reviewed.
I'll critique this anyway if you promise to do some reviews
First thing that needs fixing is the tense. You have used a mixture of past tense and present tense. You should always stick to one. I'd recommend past - but that's a personal preference. Choose whichever you prefer and make the whole thing in one tense.
The description of the house was good, and showing what the main character always wanted in a room helps to show his personality. The first part where they are walking back from school could do with more physical description, but unless it's important to the story don't go overboard with it; just enough so the reader can visualise their surroundings.
The characters were quite well developed personality-wise. Alec is overambitious and optimistic while the main character is more realistic thinking. I don't know what the characters look like though, so that could do with some attention.
There were a few grammar mistakes. For example, when doing direct speech you forgot to put commas before the closing quotation marks a few times. While on the subject of speech, I think you used too many alternatives for "said"; such as exclaimed, stated, smirks. Contrary to what primary school teachers say, said is best most of the time. Here's a tutorial on the matter: viewarticlebody.php?t=26582
There was some repetition, for example
Perhaps swap the second laugh with chuckle or snigger or something like that.
In prose you should always spell numbers out because using the numeral breaks the flow of reading.
The storyline is good and raises questions such as what will they spend the money on? who is their "creator" and what sorts of abnormal things did he do to them and the effects of those things.
You could also build up some suspense if you made the main character fear their "creator" and what he'd do if he noticed the 20 million dollars missing. That would also help build up the characters, because while Alec is sure that he won't figure it out, the main character thinks he is likely to.
Overall this is a good beggining to a story and with a bit of editing will be a solid peice of writing. I hope this has helped, and don't forget to do those reviews. YWS can't function unless people review others work. (And you learn a lot about writing by analysing others' work)
See ya round
Hippie