Published July 22, 2007
Staring up at her window,
Every night from the gutter ;
All the meals endured
Where I blushed, barely muttered
In answer to queries of work, health and station -
And her father dissected me
With his cutlery
From the inside out.
Only watched as she drifted
And all bets were off.
Due to some chinless wonder
I felt awful enough
That I knocked down her butler right into the mud
What a shame
That she saw me
and just shook her head.
Now I'm down in the mine
Pounding feeling to stone.
Till the axe twists and breaks
So I switch to my hands
But they're flesh;
Although callused,
they bleed.
So the coal dust blossoms:
But the blood bleeds the bitterness
Through the stone that I pound
Till I'm left with it split
And a diamond, winking like an eye
That I pawn to the smith
For thirty pieces of silver.
Which I blew all on beer
Down the other boozer to the
Stiff-necked stags
On their last night out:
Bastards.
The next day, hungover
I stand at the back
My stone winks from her hand
and the light as it shines-
(Pierces my head
So my eyes water, not cry
As he kisses the bride.)
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141,478 Literary Works • 674,502 Reviews
I really liked this poem. It just had so many levels and the way it was presented was awesome. My favorite line, it was other's as well, was "And her father dissected me, with his cutlery."
My favorite stanza:
Which I blew all on beer
Down the other boozer to the
Stiff-necked stags
On their last night out:
Bastards.
**This made me laugh. lol. Great job on this!
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I did like this, especially the line: "And her father dissected me / with his cutlery." What a perfect way to describe that! That's one of those lines that makes me want to stomp around and sulk and wish that I was the one who came up with something so brilliant.
^~ Bravo.
Thanks Clau
I did know how to spell blew, I just remembered a figure of speech here in England as in "he blued all the money on beer and wenches" the only example I can think of (from George Macdonald Fraser)
Having said that I can't find any evidence of it anywhere
Also edited the brackets, only in the last set now - I wanted them to be observations, like theatrical asides, but i suppose there are easier and less intrusive ways to do it than brackets and dashes.
I really did enjoy this ^_^ But I just have some nit picks:
When you use the dashes, things get awkward. And you use them a lot, but I can't exactly tell what for:
here, for example. I love the verse though ^^ but the dashes in all the random places bother me.
You need more punctuation: Poetry & Punctuation. And your capitalization is very uncertain. Sometimes you capitalize the first letter of each line, and sometimes you don't. Adding punctuation would help me figure out if you're doing it for just the beginning of a sentence, or each new line.
The poem was really nice, I enjoy it a lot and I love the story behind it. It had nice imagery. But I don't like long poems, and I think you over used brackets () when they started becoming less of a poetic things to do and more of a "thing to do." I'd really cut those, unless you have a very good reason for doing them. They don't lend to the reading, they just annoy me.
Try to add more imagery to it, make it more poetic [if that makes any sense?] and I'd like this even more.
Good job!
This poem is awesome; I can't really think of anything wrong with it. Good rhythm, good topics and nice twist at the end. Good job