Published August 19, 2010
In Saving Lilly
If anyone could get this onto my novel for me that would be great! I'm really bad with technology...
This takes place 10 years ago in the story!
“You promised!” A tall man bellowed.
“I know,” the other man said in his hissing voice.
“Then why did you talk to her? You know that you aren’t supposed to talk to her. Not after the incident.”
“I slipped.” He said sheepishly.
“Don’t let it happen again. You seem to be unaware of my power; I have the ability to crush you in a second. Stay away from her.”
“I’ll try.”
“No, you will,” he said with finality. “Get out.” The hooded man nodded and just like that he disappeared. The man collapsed into his chair and ran his hand down his face. A little girl appeared in the doorway.
“Daddy?” She said. He smiled, and opened his arms. She ran into the hug and whispered “I had a nightmare.”
He frowned. “I’m sorry. You can sleep in my bed tonight,” she nodded. He said that for her sake and his. He was worried the man would try to talk to her again, so the closer she was the better.
Meanwhile, the hooded man had returned to his own castle. He poured himself a drink and sat at his desk. After taking a sip, he picked up the doll the girl had dropped. The King was mad at him, but not mad enough for his plan. He ran a gnarled finger down her porclin face and hissed to himself, “Soon. All in good time.”
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Canary word: Present
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141,758 Literary Works • 675,695 Reviews
A very good and eye - catching story.
Lower case a.
Comma after know and a lower case t on the.
Again, comma after slipped and lower case h on he. You seem to have a problem with the quotation rules.
Ok, main problem in this is the quotation rules. If the sentence in quotes ends in a period and has "he said", "she said", etc . . . put a comma instead of period. and put the next part in lower case (unless it's a name of course). If it ends with ! or ?, keep those, but the next part still has to be lower case.
Overall: Ok, but I don't understand what's going on, cause I still haven't got to chapters 1-4. Anyways, keep writing, and if you need a review, feel free to PM me here on YWS.
Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf