z

Young Writers Society



Life Expectancy #1

by fueledbyjoy


It was the summer of 2007. Everyone was back from college and done with school. Jesse was back from Iraq and Lucy was trying to get a job as St. John’s hospital. People were looking forward to spending their summer relaxing and hanging out with friends and family.

And then we all got sick.

Only those of us who were in our teens or early twenties survived. Everyone else was dead in their houses: mothers and fathers, siblings, bosses, police, teachers, friends, relatives – all gone. America was destroyed.

There were no newscasters to report our story, no editors to print the newspaper and no president to lead us. Every station on the radio and TV had the same message: “Evacuate your area and wait for relief.”

Caleb opened the door to his parent’s house the day after they died. He was back from college where he was the goalie for the soccer team. He wasn’t sure if he would ever go back. He had called for an ambulance for his parents when he had gotten better, but no one had answered. No one could have helped him because everyone in America was dead or dying.

Caleb ran across the street to his neighbor’s house and knocked loudly on the door. No one answered. He ran to the next house but he got the same response. He ran to every house on his block, and the next. Finally, just before he was about to five up, a girl, about 15 or 16 came to the door. She stared at him with wide, frightened eyes.

“I’m Caleb,” Caleb said. “Is everyone in your house...dead?”

The girl nodded.

“Can you help me?” Caleb asked.

“As long as you help me,” the girl whispered.

“Okay, come on.”

“Wait,” the girl said and ran back inside. She came back with a backpack and a plastic bag. “Food and clothes, she explained as she shut the door to her home.

“Good thinking,” Caleb said. Caleb and the girl walked from door to door in the rest of their neighborhood, knocking on all of the doors. No one else answered.

“I’m Kate,” the girl said after a while.

Caleb and Kate had come to the main road. A light rain started falling as the two walked down the road. They saw no signs of anybody.

“How did this happen?” Kate asked. “Is everyone gone? How come we survived and no one else? What are we going to do?”

“I know just as much as you do, Kate,” Caleb said.

“Do you think we’re still contaminated and might get sick again?”

Caleb shrugged his shoulders. He sighed deeply. “Everyone is gone. I can’t believe everyone is gone.”

Caleb heard the sound of a motor in the distance and turned to see a black Mustang driving recklessly down the street towards them. The car swerved up onto the sidewalk right behind Caleb and Kate. Caleb pulled Kate out of the way just as the car rammed into a house. The wall of the house collapsed around the car and smoke rose.

“Wait there!” Caleb yelled to Kate as he ran to the car. The whole front end of the car was smashed in. A teenager, a bit younger than Caleb sat in the front. He was slumped over the steering wheel, obviously dead from the crash.

“Oh my gosh,” Kate whimpered from beside Caleb. Caleb left the car and ducked into the house. The car had landed in the living room, the couch was overturned and the ceiling fan lay on the floor. Caleb walked over to the couch. A body lay on the floor beside it, looking as if the person had merely fallen asleep. Caleb looked away and hurried back outside.

Kate was sitting in the grass a few feet away.

“Kate, we have to go find more people,” he grabbed Kate’s backpack and went to help her up.

“We all got sick on the same day,” Kate said.

“Come on, Kate,” Caleb said. Kate ignored him.

“We all joked about our bad luck. But then my brother and sister died.” Kate paused, tears rolling down her cheeks. “And then the next morning my mom and dad never woke up. I tried to call for help but - .”

“But no one answered,” Caleb finished. He sat beside Kate in the grass.

The car was still smoking in front of them.

“What are we going to do?” Kate asked.

“We need to find a place to stay. We can’t go back to our houses and be around the sickness,” Caleb said. Kate nodded. “Were do you want to go?” Caleb asked.

“My church,” Kate said. She stood up and Caleb fallowed. There was a red and rusted pick-up truck parked in the driveway behind them. Caleb knocked on the door to the house but no one answered.

“You can’t steal their truck!” Kate said as Caleb wrapped his fist in a tarp he found in the back of the truck.

“They won’t miss it,” Caleb said. His fist broke through the truck window on the second try. He opened the door and brushed away the glass.

“Come on, Kate,” he said as he got in the truck. Kate slowly walked over and climbed in the other door.

“How are you going to drive it if you have no key?” Kate asked.

Caleb ducked under the steering wheel and yanked out a few wires. When he started the engine it sputtered to life.

“How - ?” Kate started.

“Where’s your church?” Caleb interrupted.

“Uh...down the street, you can’t miss it.” When they got to the church, they entered through the back door which Kate said was always open. They went to the sanctuary and sat in the pews. A big stain glass picture of a cross leaked colored light into the room. Caleb must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, people surrounded him, all talking at once.

The first person he saw was Savanna Carico. He hadn’t seen her since junior high.

“Savanna?” Caleb asked.

“Hi Caleb,” she answered. “How did you get here?”

“There was a girl – Kate. She chose the church,” Caleb answered. He saw Kate with another girl who looked about her age.

“Her dad’s an elder here,” Savanna said,

“You know her?” Caleb asked.

“I know...most people here,” Savanna said. “The Martins: Beth, Isaac and Lucy,” she pointed to each individual as she said their names. “Levi and Hanna Cossack and Path McClouscy...”

“Our church just seemed like an obvious place to go. Besides, the back door is always unlocked,” an older girl – Lucy – said.

Just then a tall, strongly built guy walked into the sanctuary, carrying a big bag of tortilla chips.

“There wasn’t much in the kitchen – plenty of mustard but hardly anything else. I found chips, though,” the man said as he put the bag down.

“Not hungry,” a few people muttered.

“We need to figure out what to do first,” Caleb said.

The man sat down heavily and looked at everyone with dark eyes. Caleb suddenly remembered him from high school.

“It’s Jesse, right?” Caleb asked.

The man nodded. “You’re the soccer kid, the one all the girls flocked to.”

Savanna looked over at Caleb with her eyebrows raised. Caleb shrugged and shook his head.

“Shouldn’t we go see if there are more people out there?” someone asked. It was a short, well-built boy with a tattoo of a treble clef on his lower arm. Savanna had said he was Path.

“Did you all hear the message? It told us to wait for relief,” someone else – Hanna said.

“How long will we have to wait?” Kate asked.

“We live in the Midwest – it could be next year before they find us!” Savanna said.

“We’ll need food and clothes,” Lucy said. “We need to burn the clothes we’re wearing in case they’re still contaminated.”

“She’s a nurse,” Lucy’s brother, Isaac whispered.

“And she’s right,” Caleb said. “We might have to burn our houses also.”

“You don’t think we were the only town to all get sick, do you?” Beth – Lucy and Isaac’s sister asked.

“If this one disease could wipe out a whole town, it could definitely carry across all of the US,” Lucy said.

“It’s like the Black Death,” Isaac said.

Silence followed that statement.

“It seems like biological warfare,” Jesse said, breaking the silence.

“What?” Beth asked.

“Biological warfare,” Caleb said. “It’s like nuclear warfare except with a mass plague.”

“Do you think that’s what could have happened?” Savanna asked.

“It’s possible,” Jesse said.

“I don’t think anyone would want to wipe out an entire nation full of innocent people,” Caleb said.

“They didn’t,” Isaac said. “We’re still here.”

“So if they were planning on killing everyone, we ruined their plans,” Savanna said,

“Which could potentially be very bad for us,” Jesse said.

Caleb stood up. “I’m going to find pillows, blankets, lights, food, or whatever else is in this church. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

“We need to talk now,” Jesse said, also standing up.

“My parents are dead, Jesse. Everyone’s parents are dead. We’ll talk tomorrow,” Caleb said.

“If we are at war, there could very well be no tomorrow,” Jesse said. But he sat down.

“Let’s go,” Savanna said and she and Caleb walked out of the sanctuary.

The two found animal crackers in the nursery and cookies in some other classrooms. They soon had a box full of sweets but not much else.

“Maybe I should have gone to church,” Caleb said as he carried the box back to the sanctuary.

“You only get the snacks if you help with the kids,” Savanna said.

“When did you start going to church? Last time I saw you, you were cheering at the school’s football games,” Caleb said.

“I started home schooling,” Savanna said.

“Really? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, I liked it. I started going to church then and met some great people.”

“So you stopped cheering?”

“Yes, definitely. I don’t even remember why I started, probably to get your attention.” Savanna smiled briefly.

“To bad I was in the wrong sport,” Caleb said, returning her smile.

“I still got your attention,” Savanna said.

“You could say that.”

“Of course, so did ten other girls.”

Caleb looked over at Savanna. In some ways she had changed a lot since junior high, but in other ways Savanna didn’t seem to have changed at all.

“I didn’t go out with those girls, though,” Caleb said.

The two entered the sanctuary and passed out the cookies. No one said much after that. The rain pattered quietly on the rook and as the sun set, everyone lay on the pews and drifted in and out of sleep. Caleb sat up all night, wondering were they would go from there.

To be continued…

Thanks for reading!


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387 Reviews


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Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:38 pm
Kylan wrote a review...



Hey there!

Alright. You, my friend, have a problem with info-dumping. In the beginning you chuck a bunch of unimportant details and backstory at us, bogging us down and boring us to tears. Backstory is not a good thing to reveal at the beginning of a story. Give us action. Show us the effects of the plague, don't tell us. We want to be horrified, sickened, saddened. I don't want dates, I want details. You don't need to tell us about college kids and the schools they went to, show us this later on. Remember this: Show, don't tell!!!!!

Sorry to reiterate, but this story clips along pretty quickly. Not good. Add some more description. More conflict. You open the story up with Caleb opening his door and heading over to Kate's house. Why? Does he know this girl? Get into Caleb's head. Flesh him out as a character. Is he sad that his parents are dead? Happy? Who is this guy? Make him real.

Overall, your dialogue is good. Not fantastic, but good. I'd say it's your strong suit.

Characters, not so much. You introduce so many nameless faces in the church that the reader loses track of 'em all. Give them better personalities. Who's the whiner, the cynic, the leader, the scaredy-cat, the brain. Cliche, maybe. But a good place to start a story like this with so many characters in the first chapter.

It was the summer of 2007. Everyone was back from college and done with school. Jesse was back from Iraq and Lucy was trying to get a job as St. John’s hospital. People were looking forward to spending their summer relaxing and hanging out with friends and family.

And then we all got sick.

Only those of us who were in our teens or early twenties survived. Everyone else was dead in their houses: mothers and fathers, siblings, bosses, police, teachers, friends, relatives – all gone. America was destroyed.
There were no newscasters to report our story, no editors to print the newspaper and no president to lead us. Every station on the radio and TV had the same message: “Evacuate your area and wait for relief.”


Get rid of this. Not that's it's bad, but it hinders your story. Show us the devastation. Jump from city to city - not necissarily (I butchered that word) from a character's point of view, but from a narrator's point of view. Describe lootings, dead and trampled people, terror, bodies in the streets, crying toddlers. Stuff like that, in place of this history/backstory. And don't give us a date in the text itself, please.

about 15 or 16 came to the door.


Write out the numbers

Can you help me?” Caleb asked.


Help with what? You don't say. *Idea lightbulb* Why don't you have Caleb trying to bury his parents bodies? But he can't do it by himself, so he goes looking for help. Kate will need her parents buried as well. Besides, if you don't get rid of the bodies soon, they're gonna stink.

They saw no signs of anybody.


What else did they see? This would be a good place to elaborate on the description of the complete devastation the plague caused.

Caleb must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, people surrounded him, all talking at once.


Sorry to be so abrupt, but this was a bad segway. Why don't you have the kids already in the church?

someone else – Hanna said.


The dash was used improperly here. Be careful with this particular piece of punctuation. You use it alot. Maybe too much.

Beth – Lucy and Isaac’s sister asked.


Again, improper use of the dash. It also doesn't make sense.

Anyway, good luck with this story. You got promise. And welcome to YWS

-Kylan




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Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:35 pm
biancarayne wrote a review...



More detail would definitely spice this up a bit, and grab the reader and make them more interested and involved. As far as the idea, it's very typical and I've heard of quite a few movies with the same plot...only people under their twenties alive...or vice versa, with only people twenty or under getting sick with whatever it is. Maybe a twist to make this different from all those other cliched movies? And like JFW1415 said, slow down. Slow down a lot. This seems really, really rushed and nothing's really developed at all. I could care less if your whole world died...so make me care :) I definitely think you could do something with this, though :)




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Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:52 am
JFW1415 wrote a review...



The first part bored me. A lot. It doesn't do the story justice. And we don't need to know the exact year, as long as we know it's not in the 50's or something. Spice this paragraph up.

Add more detail. Right now, your characters are...dead, basically, even the live ones. They have no emotions, no personality. Take a while to imagine that everyone you know, that isn't your age, is dead. Write down your thoughts and emotions. Then re-write this. You'll understand it more if you feel like you've been through it.

SLOW DOWN. Let scenes stretch on for awhile. If they're not going to talk in the car ride, tell us what they are thinking. Tell us what happened while everyone was dying. Maybe even make that a prologue (Or first chapter;) where everyone is dying and the plague is spreading.

I love this idea, though, and if you add to it, it will be amazing.

Please PM me if you write anymore! :P




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Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:13 pm
SoCalCub wrote a review...



hello, this is my first review, so if i am not clear on something, please PM me and i'll do my best to make sure that i am clear. also, i did like your story. it was good. but it seemed only like a skeleton and needs alot of work, but it seems like you have the making of a good one. also, if i seem rough, rude, mean, or anything that you felt attacked, please let me know. i dont mean to, and i hope that you will be able to forgive me for anything i say that might make you feel as such.

fueledbyjoy wrote:Everyone was back from college and done with school.

you repeated yourself here, just stick with back from college and maybe add something about trips home.

fueledbyjoy wrote:Jesse was back from Iraq and Lucy was trying to get a job as St. John's hospital. People were looking forward to spending their summer relaxing and hanging out with friends and family.

later you introduce these two as if the reader doesn't know who they are... if you intro then here, the reader should assume they are the same (unless it is already explained differently) so, when you bring them into the story, try to make sure that either we know them or we don't.

fueledbyjoy wrote:And then we all got sick.

i like this short and to the point statement.

fueledbyjoy wrote:Only those of us who were in our teens or early twenties survived. Everyone else was dead in their houses: mothers and fathers, siblings, bosses, police, teachers, friends, relatives - all gone.
first, its my opinion..there is really nothing wrong with this part..but the list is kinda long. maybe just a few. having mothers fathers, siblings...as well as relatives there is just reiterating yourself. maybe just: mothers, fathers, siblings, and everyone else that there was - all gone.

fueledbyjoy wrote:Caleb opened the door to his parent's house the day after they died. He was back from college where he was the goalie for the soccer team. He wasn't sure if he would ever go back. He had called for an ambulance for his parents when he had gotten better, but no one had answered. No one could have helped him because everyone in America was dead or dying.

its kinda sudden that we come to the day after the day of death. maybe you should take some time to follow the lives of someones life (maybe Calebs parents) and show the chaos of the plague going around. if its a wide spread thing, you should describe freeway pileups of cars where the driver died while driving, and all that kind of thing. if all but the young adults died, then you should show the chaos of what happened while everyone was dying (since you did say that it was all at once)

fueledbyjoy wrote:Caleb ran across the street to his neighbor's house and knocked loudly on the door. No one answered. He ran to the next house but he got the same response. He ran to every house on his block, and the next.
try describing his hysteria at finding no one around, and then the relief at finding someone. details like ones emotional state are always a thing that makes reading engaging and draws the reader to take part in the story, not just an outside looking in.

fueledbyjoy wrote:How are you going to drive it if you have no key? Kate asked.
Caleb ducked under the steering wheel and yanked out a few wires. When he started the engine it sputtered to life.
maybe give more; say his grunting as he wrestles to get the dashboard apart starts to make him wonder if he even knows what he's doing. give some life to the story, not just the bare bones of the story.

fueledbyjoy wrote:Uh...down the street, you can't miss it. When they got to the church,

that happened way to fast. write something that follows the truck toward the church. describe the destruction (if any) of all the death. surely there are dead bodies in the streets if everyone died. give the characters reactions to seeing all of it. and remember their ages, make sure that their reactions are true to character and age. (of course make sure that they are true to the character you make them)

fueledbyjoy wrote:they entered through the back door which Kate said was always open. They went to the sanctuary and sat in the pews. A big stain glass picture of a cross leaked colored light into the room. Caleb must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, people surrounded him, all talking at once.

its too sudden that he walks in and then wakes up. you need to make sure that you describe not only the church, but his walking in, and what he does when he walks in, what he says. make him sit down, and realize that he's exhausted from all the stress. and suddenly he's awake.


all that follows is mostly dialog. you need to describe what each person is doing...every little fidget. the sweat rolling down ones forehead, and twitch in ones eye. they are not going to be calm. and their body needs to describe what type of state they are in. from hysteria, to nervousness.


fueledbyjoy wrote:So you stopped cheering?

Yes, definitely.

first, when writing dialog, dont just write what they say. you need to put it in "" and then have some kind of description of what they are doing and who it is. only occasionally do you do that.
second, why would her going to church mean that she had to stop cheering???

well, thats the end of my review for now.




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Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:19 pm
DragonWriter wrote a review...



I like it, I hope to read some more of it. I wish there was more details. THere is so much dialogue it it shadows details. A story shpuld have a bland of de5tils and dialogue, but right now your just has alot of dilect and a rare detil here and there. So, improve your detiails, and YOu will have a great story. Pm me when you write more, or evan edit this. I want to know how this storry turns out.





It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman