"Eugene...Eugene...Eugene..." Melea kept repeating the names as she walked back home. The final test was over and she had mastered all the fighting skills she needed for being an assassin. However, that was not what Melea really wanted to be, she just wanted revenge. Revenge for her tribe that was erased by the secret syndicate, 'God'. That’s what they called themselves when they did those horrible crimes.
Along the way, Melea went back to her past when she was only six…
“Mama, mama, where were we going now?” said the young and innocent Melea.
“Dear Melea, it would be too dangerous if we stayed here so we had to go somewhere safer,” replied Melea’s mum as she looked back to the place she had lived for years.
As Melea’s father and brother were moving the things into their car, someone shouted from behind.
“Everyone, run for your lives now! God would be here in a short while, run, now..!” The man continued shouting while running towards the other end of the town. Everyone who was nearby quicken their packing while the rest ran towards their home and took all valuable items.
Melea’s family who heard the news also fasten their packing and whatever was small and valuable, they squeezed it into their car while Melea’s mum started to help.
Out of curiosity, Melea turned her face to her mum who was busy packing their stuff and asked, “Mama, who is God? Isn’t God in the heaven?”
Melea’s mum was too busy with her packing and replied quickly, “My dear, don’t ask any question now, I’ll explained it later. So just help me with the stuff okay? Did you see the red colour bag? Can you bring that to me?”
Melea kept numb when she saw how intense was her mum and she nodded and went over to bring the bag. Just when she was going to walk back to her mum, an explosion was heard far away from the family and there were screams everywhere. Sounds of falling houses could be heard and everyone gave up on packing and drove towards the other side of the town. As those cars disappeared, another explosion was heard at the same direction and there were scenes of cars being thrown up to the sky while ripped legs and hands flew together with the car. Again screams were heard and finally silence. Families who had not moved yet including Melea’s were shocked as they had nowhere to run. Their only hope was to ask for miracle and wished that they could survive from this horrible crisis. Melea’s mum took Melea together with her brother into the house’s basement and placed them there.
“Melea, Dino, just stay here and don’t go anywhere until tomorrow, okay?” said Melea’s mum.
“Mama, where are you going? And where’s papa, aren’t we moving house?” said Melea as her innocent face shown her ignorance of ‘God’.
Melea’s mum sigh a deep breath and kneel down towards Melea, she put both of her hands onto Melea’s shoulders and said, “Be good, Melea, mama and papa need to do something important so you have to stay here and waited for us, okay?” Melea’s mum then turned herself towards Dino and said, “Dino, you are Melea’s brother so you have the responsibility to take care of her. Don’t come out until tomorrow, you promise?”
Dino dried his tears and smiled at his mum “I promise.” Despite of his young age of 10, he had to take care of Melea and act normal in front of her. Their mum hugged them one more time and stood up quickly. She embraced herself towards the door and before opening it, she gave them her last look. Then both of them saw her mum opened the door and closed it immediately she walked off. As far as Dino was concerned, her brave mum was gone, forever. Dino hugged Melea closed to him and concentrate of any possible sound from the outside while still trying to control his tears. Suddenly, a screaming was heard followed by a series of stabbing sounds. Dino broke into tears silently while Melea kept shut and hid her face under her brother’s head. She was scared and confused without knowing she had only her brother to rely on.
Finally silence was the only sound left and Dino couldn’t control himself anymore. He cried so loudly and Melea followed. They hugged each other tightly to wipe off the darkness in front of them. Dino then dried his tears and calmed himself down. At last, he was ready to talk and whispered to Melea the whole situation.
“Melea, although you are still too young to know about this but I think I have the responsibility to let you know. God is a group of evil people who went around killing people for their interest. Our tribe who have the instinct of detecting nearby threats and can follow enemies attack route have become a threat to God so they have come to destroy us. Now that our mum and dad are gone, so does everyone, we must take revenge. Do you know that?”
Dino shook Melea at her shoulders while talking. Then he calmed down as he thought Melea would be too young to understand. He went silent, so did Melea.
“I’m sorry, Melea.”
“No…you don’t have fault, Melea don’t blame me, brother,” said Melea as she gave her brother a smile.
Dino sighed as he thought Melea still don’t understand the whole meaning, the situation remained until a knocking sound came from the door. The knocking went rapidly fast and was messy, there were sounds of tools and people were talking away. It seemed that they had reached the basement, Dino took Melea and went deeper into the corner of the basement while it was dark enough for them to hide. At last, the door was broke and knocked down, groups of people walked it and one of them spoke, “Hey, I knew there are some leftover people here, present yourself and I’ll give you a quick one. Come on out now!” Those people walked separately in basement and the two kids still trying to camouflage themselves. As Dino and Melea wanted to hide deeper, they knocked onto a can and God was alerted. They walked towards that direction and finally the two of them was disposed.
“Hey, a girl and a boy here, what’s now?” said one of the member.
“Leave the girl, kill the boy.” The other member replied.
“Don’t kill my brother!” shouted Melea and she stood in front of Dino.
“Melea..!” shouted Dino and he was going to shield Melea, he was being pulled out by one of the member and lifted to the sky, leaving Melea shocked and scared. She went towards the strange man and pulled his pants to and fro while shouting, “Let go of my brother, you baddie!” Melea was shouting too loudly and it became so irritating and one of them kicked her aside. Dino tried to struggle while Melea cried in pain. As Melea was going to try again, she stopped as she watched the strange man pulled his dagger out of his pocket and…
“No..!” shouted Melea and as she was going to run towards Dino, the man stabbed him. He dropped Dino and Melea continued running. She reached to Dino and was loss of words and when she saw blood in her hands, including Dino’s stomach.
“Brother…brother…wake up...wake up…don’t leave…me alone…Brother!” Melea continued crying while God stepped out of the basement. As Melea remembered what her brother told her, she looked towards the group and saw their numbers. She memorised it and turned back to her brother where there was no sign of life. “Brother..!”
Melea woke up from her thoughts and realized that she had reached home. She remembered how she came up from the basement and found her dead parents, she shook them while hoping for a miracle. She also remembered her head master passed by and found her crying for help. And now, Melea turned into a fine woman. She had two choices now, either followed her head master and acquired more disciples or to seek 'God' for settling scores.
Melea unlocked the door and felt desperate when she saw the empty house. Dark and lonely, even spirits would not stay a single moment. Melea stepped in and closed the door. She changed to her hello kitty slippers and pulled gently of the lights up above her head. When Melea was going to return to her room, she saw the head master floating in front of her with his eyes closed.
"Master, why are you in my house? Aren't you supposed to find new disciples?" said Melea as she was shocked and happy at the same while as she wasn't going to be lonely for some minutes.
"I'm waiting for your answer..." said the head master as he opened his eyes and stared at Melea.
"Answer? I don't know what you are talking about...I'm going to sleep now, switch off the lights before you go..." Melea replied and looked down at her trembling feet while moving on to her room.
"You know what I mean...Melea. Revenge or Peace?"
Melea stopped and hesitated, she couldn't speak a word nor giving any response. She just stood at her original position, clenching her fists and kept swallowing her tears.
Melea couldn't stand any longer, she grasped for a deep breath and turned to her head master who hadn't moved a single inch.
"Revenge...no...I..." said Melea as her tears dripped. She covered her face and started crying. The head master let out a sigh and turned towards Melea. He patted her on the shoulder and said,
"Lets do it together."
Melea stopped crying and rose her head to the head master, she was still controlling her tears with her angelic face. At last, she gave out a smile at last and rushed to hug her dear head master. The head master returned the hug and they were going to continue the conversation, a voice came upon them suddenly.
"Count me a share." said the voice.
"Who are you, show yourself and report your name. Now." replied Melea as she was displeased that someone barged into her house.
Suddenly, a guy appeared and walked towards the two of them, it was Eugene. He wore the same clothes but Melea recognized the dead fish eyes. However, it looked more sincere than the ones during the morning fight.
"Are you sure?" said Melea as she continued, "God isn't someone whom you can handle, you know?"
"If I cannot handle, can you?" replied Eugene with his cold eyes. Melea was stunned as his answer and looked down as if she was being despised.
"Hey, I'm not dead yet, if I cannot handle, can both of you do?"
The head master interrupted and frown, he folded his hands liked a small kid. Three of them remained silent and they broke a laughter suddenly.
It was being agreed, they were going to do it. Together.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello.
Allow me to begin by saying I haven't read the previous part. But, I got the gist quickly, so I can give my cents on this part.
Firstly, your dialogue. It is pretty stiff and formal; doesn't flow all that well. Dialogue should sound like a normal person speaking. Right now, it sounds like the characters are saying exactly what they need to say in order to get the plot moving forward. Here is an article on dialogue for you to look at.
I'd also take a look at your adjectives in here. Lines/words like this:
And others like them aren't good to use. Firstly, it tells us what the situation/person is like without leaving the reader to guess for themselves. Secondly, they're not all that interesting to read. This ties into the first reason not to use them because readers want to get to know the characters for themselves, instead of having the character's personality shoved in our face because of a few adjectives and adverbs. Cut out as many of these descriptions as possible so readers are left to discover the world and characters on their own terms. You might need to add in a few more lines of description so we can see the world and situation for ourselves, but it's a good trade-off.
Overall, make this a lot more subtle. Don't have the dialogue say everything we need to hear, and don't have the description tell everything like it is (so the readers can figure it out on their own.)
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Alright. The grammar is quite messy, but the plot seems interesting enough.
#00FF00 ">Green is added text
#FF0000 ">Red is deleted text
#FFFF00 ">Yellow is replaced text
#0000FF ">Blue is notes
"Eugene...Eugene...Eugene..." Melea kept repeating the names as she walked back home. The final test was over and she had mastered all the fighting skills she needed for being an assassin. However, that was not what Melea really wanted to be#FFFF00 ">: she just wanted revenge. Revenge for her tribe that was erased by the secret syndicate, #FFFF00 ">"God#FFFF00 ">". That’s what they called themselves when they did those horrible crimes.
Along the way, Melea #FFFF00 ">had a flashback to when she was only six…
“Mama, mama, where were we going now?” said the young and innocent Melea.
“Dear Melea, it would be too dangerous if we stayed here#00FF00 ">, so we #FFFF00 ">have to go somewhere safer,” replied Melea’s mum#00FF00 ">, as she looked back to the place she had lived for years.
As Melea’s father and brother were moving the things into their car, someone shouted from behind.
“Everyone, run for your lives now! God #FFFF00 ">will be here in a short while, run, now..!” The man continued shouting while running towards the other end of the town. Everyone who was nearby quicken#00FF00 ">ed their packing while the rest #0000FF ">(Those who were not nearby? That's what it appears to be.) ran towards their home and took all valuable items.
Melea’s family#00FF00 ">, who heard the news#00FF00 ">, also #FFFF00 ">speeded up their packing and #FF0000 ">whatever was small and valuable, they squeezed #FFFF00 ">whatever was small and valuable into their car while Melea’s mum started to help.
Out of curiosity, Melea turned her face to her mum#00FF00 ">, who was busy packing their stuff#00FF00 ">, and asked, “Mama, who is God? Isn’t God in the heaven?”
Melea’s mum was too busy with her packing and #00FF00 ">quickly replied #FF0000 ">quickly, “My dear, don’t ask any question#00FF00 ">s now, I’ll explained it later. So just help me with the stuff#00FF00 ">, okay? Did you see the red#00FF00 ">-colour#00FF00 ">ed bag? Can you bring that to me?”
Melea kept #FFFF00 ">quiet when she saw how intense #00FF00 ">her mum was #FF0000 ">her mum and she nodded and went over to bring the bag. Just when she #FFFF00 ">started to walk back to her mum, #FFFF00 ">Melea heard a distant explosion and there were screams everywhere. Sounds of falling houses #FFFF00 ">ricocheted through the neighborhood and everyone gave up on packing and drove towards the other side of the town. As those cars #FFFF00 ">sped away, another explosion was heard #FFFF00 ">in the same direction and there were scenes of cars being thrown up to the sky while ripped legs and hands flew together with the car. Again screams were heard#00FF00 ">; and#00FF00 ">, finally#00FF00 ">, silence. Families who had not moved yet#00FF00 ">, including Melea’s#00FF00 ">, were shocked#00FF00 ">, as they had nowhere to run. Their only hope was to ask for #00FF00 ">a miracle and wish#FF0000 ">ed that they could survive from this horrible crisis. Melea’s mum took Melea #FFFF00 ">along with her brother into the house’s basement and placed them there.
“Melea, Dino, just stay here and don’t go anywhere until tomorrow, okay?” said Melea’s mum.
“Mama, where are you going? And where’s papa, aren’t we moving house?” #0000FF ">(Is this a local phrase? I've only heard "moving" as such a term.) said Melea as her innocent face shown her ignorance of ‘God’.
Melea’s mum sigh#00FF00 ">ed a deep breath and kne#FFFF00 ">lt down towards Melea#FFFF00 ">. She put both of her hands onto Melea’s shoulders and said, “Be good, Melea, #FFFF00 ">Mama and #FFFF00 ">Papa need to do something important#00FF00 ">, so you have to stay here and waited for us, okay?” Melea’s mum then turned #FF0000 ">herself towards Dino and said, “Dino, you are Melea’s brother#00FF00 ">, so you have the responsibility to take care of her. Don’t come out until tomorrow, you promise?”
Dino dried his tears and smiled at his mum “I promise.” Despite of his young age of 10, he had to take care of Melea and act normal in front of her. Their mum hugged them one more time and stood up quickly. She embraced herself #0000FF ">(What?) towards the door and before opening it, she gave them her last look. Then both of them saw her mum open#FFFF00 ">ing the door#FFFF00 ">, clos#FFFF00 ">ing it#00FF00 ">, and immediately#00FF00 ">, then walk#FFFF00 ">ing off. As far as Dino was concerned, her brave mum was gone, forever. Dino hugged Melea close#FF0000 ">d to him and concentrate o#FFFF00 ">n any possible sound from the outside while still trying to control his tears. Suddenly, a screaming was heard followed by a series of stabbing sounds. Dino broke into tears silently while Melea kept shut and hid her face under her brother’s head. She was scared and confused#00FF00 ">, without knowing (What are you trying to say?) she had only her brother to rely on.
Finally#00FF00 ">, silence was the only sound left and Dino couldn’t control himself anymore. He cried #FF0000 ">so loudly#00FF00 ">, and Melea followed. They hugged each other tightly to wipe off (Erase? Fight back?) the darkness in front of them. Dino then dried his tears and calmed himself down. At last, he was ready to talk and whispered to Melea the whole situation.
#0000FF ">(This passage seems too formal for a 10-year-old.) “Melea, #FF0000 ">although you are still too young to know about this#00FF00 ">, but I think I have the responsibility to let you know. God is a group of evil people who #FFFF00 ">go around killing people for their interest#00FF00 ">s. Our tribe#00FF00 ">, who have the instinct of detecting nearby threats and can follow enemies attack route#00FF00 ">s, have become a threat to God so they have come to destroy us. Now that our mum and dad are gone, so does everyone #0000FF ">(Do you mean "along with everyone"?), we must take revenge. Do you know that?”
Dino shook Melea at her shoulders while talking. Then he calmed down as he thought Melea would be too young to understand. He went silent, so did Melea.
“I’m sorry, Melea.”
“No…you don’t have fault, Melea don’t blame me, brother,” #0000FF ">(What?) said Melea as she gave her brother a smile.
Dino sighed#00FF00 ">, #FFFF00 ">because he thought Melea still #FFFF00 ">didn't understand the whole meaning#FFFF00 ">. #FFFF00 ">The situation remained until a knocking sound came from the door. The knocking went #FF0000 ">rapidly fast and was messy #0000FF ">(How can knocks be messy?)#FFFF00 ">; there were sounds of tools and people were talking away. It seemed that they had reached the basement#FFFF00 ">. Dino took Melea and went deeper into the corner of the basement while it was dark enough for them to hide. At last, #0000FF ">(sounds like it is a good thing that the door was broken.) the door was broke#00FF00 ">n and knocked down, groups of people walked it and one of them spoke, “Hey, I kn#FFFF00 ">ow there are some leftover people here, present yourself and I’ll give you a quick one. Come on out now!” Those people walked separately #FFFF00 ">around the basement and the two kids #00FF00 ">were still trying to camouflage themselves. As Dino and Melea #FFFF00 ">tried to hide deeper #00FF00 ">into the darkness, they knocked #FFFF00 ">over a can and God was alerted. They #0000FF ">(seems to refer to Dino and Melea) walked towards that direction and finally the two of them #FFFF00 ">were exsposed.
“Hey, a girl and a boy here, what’s now?” said one of the member#00FF00 ">s.
“Leave the girl, kill the boy.” The other member replied.
“Don’t kill my brother!” shouted Melea and she stood in front of Dino.
“Melea..!” shouted Dino and #00FF00 ">as he was going to shield Melea, he was being pulled out by one of the member#00FF00 ">s and lifted to the sky, leaving Melea shocked and scared. She went towards the strange man and pulled his pants to and fro while shouting, “Let go of my brother, you baddie!” Melea was shouting #FF0000 ">too loudly and it became so irritating #FFFF00 ">that one of them kicked her aside. Dino tried to struggle while Melea cried in pain. As Melea was going to try again, she stopped as she watched the strange man pull#FF0000 ">ed his dagger out of his pocket#00FF00 ">. #FF0000 ">and…
“No..!” shouted Melea#00FF00 ">; and#00FF00 ">, as she was going to run towards Dino, the man stabbed him. He dropped Dino and Melea continued running. She reached to Dino and was #00FF00 ">at a loss of words #FF0000 ">and when she saw blood #FFFF00 ">on her hands#FF0000 ">, #FFFF00 ">form Dino’s stomach.
“Brother…brother…wake up...wake up…don’t leave#FF0000 ">...me alone…Brother!” Melea continued crying while God stepped out of the basement.#FF0000 "> As Melea remembered what her brother told her, #00FF00 ">and she looked towards the group and saw their numbers. She memorised #FFFF00 ">her brother's story and turned back to her brother#00FF00 ">, where there was no sign of life. “Brother..!”
Melea woke up from her thoughts and realized that she had reached home. She remembered how she came up from the basement and found her dead parents, she shook them while hoping for a miracle. She also remembered her headmaster #0000FF ">(one word) passed by and found her crying for help. And now, Melea turned into a fine woman. She had two choices now, either follow#FF0000 ">ed her head master and acquire#FF0000 ">d more disciples or to seek #FFFF00 ">"God#FFFF00 ">" #FFFF00 ">to settl#FFFF00 ">e #00FF00 ">the scores.
Melea unlocked the door and felt desperate when she saw the empty house. Dark and lonely, even spirits would not stay a single moment. Melea stepped in and closed the door. She changed to her #FFFF00 ">Hello #FFFF00 ">Kitty slippers and pulled gently o#FFFF00 ">n the lights up above her head. When Melea was going to return to her room, she saw the head master floating #0000FF ">(Floating? Is he off the ground?) in front of her with his eyes closed.
"Master, why are you in my house? Aren't you supposed to find new disciples?" said Melea#00FF00 ">, #FF0000 ">as she was shocked and happy at the same while#00FF00 ">, #FFFF00 ">because she wasn't going to be lonely for some minutes.
"I'm waiting for your answer.." said the headmaster #0000FF ">(one word) as he opened his eyes and stared at Melea.
"Answer? I don't know what you are talking about...I'm going to sleep now, switch off the lights before you go..." Melea replied and looked down at her trembling feet while moving on to her room.
"You know what I mean#FFFF00 ">, Melea. Revenge or Peace?"
Melea stopped and hesitated, she couldn't speak a word nor giv#FFFF00 ">e any response. She just stood at her original position, clenching her fists and #FF0000 ">kept swallowing her tears.
Melea couldn't stand any longer, she grasped for a deep breath and turned to her headmaster#00FF00 ">, #0000FF ">(one word) who hadn't moved a single inch.
"Revenge...no...I..." said Melea as her tears dripped. She covered her face and started crying. The head master let out a sigh and turned towards Melea. He patted her on the shoulder and said,
"Lets do it together."
Melea stopped crying and rose her head to the headmaster #0000FF ">(one word), she was still controlling her tears with her angelic face. At last, she gave out a smile at last and rushed to hug her dear headmaster #0000FF ">(one word). The head master returned the hug and#00FF00 ">, before they#FF0000 "> were going to continue#00FF00 ">d the conversation, a voice came upon them suddenly.
"Count me a share." said the voice.
"Who are you#FFFF00 ">? #FFFF00 ">Show yourself and report your name. Now." replied Melea#00FF00 ">, #FF0000 ">as she was displeased that someone barged into her house.
Suddenly, a guy appeared and walked towards the two of them#FFFF00 ">. #FFFF00 ">It was Eugene. He wore the same clothes but Melea recognized the dead fish eyes. However, #FFFF00 ">they looked more sincere than the ones during the morning fight.
"Are you sure?" said Melea as she continued, "God isn't someone whom you can handle, you know?"
"If I cannot handle #00FF00 ">them, can you?" replied Eugene with his cold eyes. Melea was stunned as his answer and looked down as if she was being despised.
"Hey, I'm not dead yet, if I cannot handle, can both of you do?" #0000FF ">(removed the new line) #FFFF00 ">the headmaster #0000FF ">(one word) interrupted and frown#00FF00 ">ed, #00FF00 ">and he folded his hands liked a small kid. Three of them remained silent#00FF00 ">, #FFFF00 ">but then broke a laughter suddenly.
It was #FF0000 ">being agreed, they were going to do it. Together.