Perhaps fate brought them together, both Lan and Huo studied in the same school naming Mo Hum School. It looked like some original school but it was a place where some students were not ordinary folks, they represent the heaven world and demon world to look close at them. When both of the innocents fall in love, both worlds will use all their means to get them and change the world.
Lan and Huo happens to study in the same class, although they weren’t friends at all but they are fated to be together facing all happiness and sorrows. Lan was popular with many girls, letters, calls, were counted hundreds in his lockers, and his hand phone ringing all the time. Unlike Huo was a quiet girl who doesn't talk a lot, others thought that she was acting cool and thus ignore and avoid her. Thus, Huo is always alone, she seemed like ignoring whatsoever but deep in her heart, she wished to be accepted. Lan sees her different from other girls who only knows how to doll themselves while Huo always wear black and act mysterious and had an interest to her. Lan wanted to know her better and so he told everyone to open up a chalet so that Huo could also participate.
Lan invited Huo to join the class chalet but Huo said she need some time to consider and went off alone.
Actually, Huo also wanted to mix around with the others but her family warned her not to trust people too much, not even friends as they would only hurt her. Huo remembered everything her family told her but deep in her heart, she believed humans had their good side too.
Huo walked along the class corridors, thinking about the chalet and her family. Huo really wanted to join in but she afraid things will get complicated if her family knew about it. Just as Huo was deciding, someone ran past her and she swirled around and finally fall down to the ground. Huo raised up her head to see who it was but there was no one except the empty corridors. She stood up and was about to chase after the fellow, someone called her from the back, “Huo!” It was Danny from the same class as Huo. Danny went up to Huo and gave her a pat on the shoulder.
Danny: “Hey, do you know that there was a class chalet going on? I bet you didn’t know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?”
Huo: “Erm…I was considering…”
Danny: “Come on, what’s there to consider? I am sure it will be fun! Can you imagine, the smell of the barbeque food, the nearby sea breeze and those stupid noises from those guys. Ow…just go..”
Huo thought about what Danny was promoting the chalet, she hadn’t a nice talk with Danny before as she was someone who crowd around the guys as if she was one of them. However, Huo knew that Danny was serious on inviting her so she gave Danny a nod. Danny: “Hurray! Full attendance of the class chalet, woohoo!” Huo smiled with Danny as she started to see light in her life.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey! Here to review again!
I would cut this out. It feels more like the description from the back of a book than the start to a chapter.
I'd really like to see more in this chapter. It has a great backbone as it is. There is a definite plot visable, and that can be the hardest part! I applaud you on that! There is a lot more that could be done here to really make it great and shiny.
Description
Rather than just telling basic events in a chapter, it is infinitely more interesting and exciting to include a lot of descriptions. This may seem a bit daunting, but it's a lot easier than it sounds! A great way to write descriptions is to focus on the five senses: sight, sound, taste, feel, and smell.
Here is a great article by a YWS member that goes into a lot of detail about writing descriptions, you should check it out: Description (By Kitty15)
Dialogue
Dialogue is a very important part of any story, so it's great that you have it in here! You're right on your way to a great chapter.
There are, though, certain rules to dialogue. The dialogue written in this chapter takes more the form of dialogue in a script. Dialogue in fiction should be written a bit differently. Here is an example from this chapter:
Instead, it should look a little something like this:
"Hey, do you know that there was a class chalet going on? I bet you didn't know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?" Danny said.
Or
"Hey, do you know that there was a class chaletgoing on?" Danny asked. "I bet you didn't know. I just now registered my name, do you want to join?"
Here are two articles on writing dialogue that you should check out for further information:
Dialogue Punctuation (By: JFW1415)
Writing Good Dialogue (By: beckiw)
Pacing
This is one last little thing. Pacing is basically how fast a story/chapter moves. Keeping the reader up to speed and involved in the story is the top priority. This is done through pacing. Rather than explain is badly, here is yet another article written by a YWS member: Pacing, and why it is important (By: Rosey Unicorn)
I hope I've helped with all this information, and you should definitely check out those articles and other available here on YWS at the Knowledge Base. You're doing very well here, and with a little work this could really shine. Great job and good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thanks for the comments and the changes you make. I guess if i pass this on to my previous English teacher, she would shoot me from the start till the beginning and bang..i stop writing lols
For your info, chalet is a resort house.
Hi! I'm a newbie too. YWS sure looks promising, huh? Anyways, time to review.
I like your story. There are some grammar mistakes, and run-on sentences. Like Esther Sylvester says, there are a lot of info dumps. The content is great, I just have some nitpicks. Just so you know, my comments are pink.
I really like this. You do create a good world, I would just be careful with the info dumps in the beginning of the story. I like how you abruptly end it, and I definitely want to read more. Good job!
Hey Fruit! Mind If I call you that? Welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here. I wanted to review you first so I am! Let's review!
This is an amazing world you have created. It is very complex and original. The only thing is that you have given us too much information in the beginning. What you have done is called an "info dump", because you gave us the entire back story. Because you have put so much info at the beginning, the reader gets turned off. This is because they feel like there is too much info to remember, and so they get intimidated and stop reading. My suggestion is to either call the first five paragraphs the prologue, or cut down the first five paragraphs into something that gives the idea what is going on in this world, but not giving so much info to turn off a reader. After all, this is a special world you created. Would you rather give it all away in a few paragraphs, or over the novel itself?
My only realy qualm here is that you switch tenses a lot. At first it is present tense, then past, etc. You should pick one tense and stick to it. I suggest past because you are talking in third person here. You sometimes also use a comma when you should have used a semicolon or just a period, but everyone does that sometimes.
Overall, good job. The world you have created is interesting and complex. Just make sure to spread the info more evenly across the story. All the readers need to know is that these are not normal humans; that they are special. You can describe in more detail how special they are as the plot goes on. Other than that, good job!
-Esther