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The White Tree

by fruit4you


Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me
Why did the red rose
Fly away
Leaving me behind
With nothing to say

Why did the wind whisper
It's words so harsh
As I lie lonely
In this marsh
A lost virgin
In a forgotten story
Her life will begin

When he gets glory
And her red rose
Falls out
Left alone for
Her lips to shout
Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me


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Sat Feb 07, 2015 4:21 am
IceWinifredd wrote a review...



Very nice poem. I clicked on it because the title really ebbed at my curiosity. Anyways, for the most part, I liked it. I liked the emotion you put into it as well as the personal feel it has to it. I felt like you were actually reading it to me. However, I think you seem to shift a lot from 'her' and 'me' perspective and that can be a bit confusing for the reader. But other than that, I thought it was really well done. Nice work. -IceWinifredd




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Sun May 26, 2013 9:40 am
Catnip wrote a review...



Hi ^-^
Firstly I have to say that the reason I clicked this piece over others, was because of its lovely name "The White Tree" >.< Sooo intriguing for me personally. But anyhoo, as far as the piece goes....
"Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me?"
The first sentence, the first words, of ANY piece of writing are sooo important. I always watch for that--and you did a wonderful job ^-^ and then I loved how it was also the closing lines of the piece, too. It wrapped it up beautifully.
I can't give you any advice on how to improve it, though lol I'm not just giving you a false little note of encouragement, it's really wonderful and I can't claim that my writing skills are superior to this piece lol sorry I'm no help m-.-m

Catnip~




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Thu May 16, 2013 4:36 pm
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ClaireAura wrote a review...



This is the first note I read when I got on this site because the title grabbed my curiosity. I love your style of writing, its super unique. It sort of whisked me away, this poem. Its amazing and I wish I could write like you. Keep posting : ) xxxxx, Claire




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Thu May 16, 2013 12:54 am
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dark wrote a review...



Hey, Dark here! :)
First I would like to point out that you did not include any punctuation throughout this whole poem. I just needed to point this out here. Next there are no forced rhymes here which is perfect. Other the the M.I.A. Punctuation, the poem is perfect. Keep it up my friend. For a new comer you're already doing good. :)




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Tue May 14, 2013 9:39 pm
roxyask wrote a review...



Hi, Roxy here! :)

I think that this is a lovely, personal and emotional poem!

I do however, as others have pointed out, think that it would benefit greatly from some puntuation! It will male the poem look better and give it a smoother read

Im a little confused about the switch of perspective from "me" to "her", are they different people living out the same situation, or is it the same girl? Maybe I'm the only one who doesnt get it so maybe expain it to me? :)

It is a lovely piece though!
Keep up the good work! :)




fruit4you says...


Its just describing the experience from a different point of view.



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Tue May 14, 2013 6:14 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi fruit4you and welcome to YWS! This is a great place to improve your writing.

Now overall, this is a lovely piece. There's some beautiful nature imagery that relates to the idea of loss of innocence. However, I am going to agree with other that the lack of punctuation makes it hard to follow. I usually suggest punctuating as in prose unless you have a good reason not to.

The second thing I found odd was this bit

A lost virgin
In a forgotten story
Her life will begin

When he gets glory


I didn't understand the sudden shift to third person. This could easily read "My life will begin" and mean the same thing. I'd keep it from one perspective. I also found it odd that you split up a rhyming pair. Perhaps you could move "When he gets glory" up and add another "Why did..." statement to keep the repetition.

Leaving me behind
With nothing to say


Personally, I think you could axe "leaving me behind". It doesn't flow nicely, and then you have a rhyming couplet to match the first two lines.

Overall, there's some awesome stuff here, especially the ending. I'd just clean it up a little. Good job, welcome again, and keep writing! :)




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Tue May 14, 2013 5:17 pm
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Saterdays says...



This is very curious and I like it a lot. Reminds me of a fairytale. It is quite beautiful and imaginative. Very glorious, Love.




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Tue May 14, 2013 6:45 am
recycledsoul wrote a review...



I dare reviewers to find the rhyme scheme of the poem. While it's not necessary to have a rhyme scheme, it sometimes makes up for a tough time reading when there's a different rhyme scheme in each of the stanzas. I am wondering if I should mention that there is hardly any punctuation because it's the case with a lot of poems over here and it's nothing something that defines a poem. I personally like to review a poem on the basis of what it has to say rather than the grammar and punctuation so I think you did a pretty good job with everything else. I read it quite a few times, but there are still parts of poems I did not understand. You imagination seems to be too complex for my liking :P I see that you've just begun posting here so I think you can and should be forgiven for the punctuation thingie, but trust me a lot of reviewers are going to come to your posts and crib about it, so I am warning you beforehand. Just looking after you :P Keep the good work. Cheers :)




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Tue May 14, 2013 4:53 am
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spacesoldier wrote a review...



wow this is so sad and yet beautiful I can't even describe how I feel about it because such words do not exist in our language yet I love this poem I just have to say what a lovely poem it is and how much I appreciate people that write with such deep emotion as you do




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Tue May 14, 2013 2:53 am
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello here with a review, I hope that this helps you.

Okay here

Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me
Why did the red rose
Fly away
Leaving me behind
With nothing to say
every thing is good but you need to put some punctuation it would make it would make your poem sound better just read through it and put them were they belong. But the rime were good. :)

Your second verse was very good the rime were good.

Here
When he gets glory
And her red rose
Falls out
Left alone for
Her lips to shout
Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me
OK so you should say something more like this She was left alone to shout.

Here maybe this would help you.

Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me,
Why did the red rose,
Fly away,
And leaving me behind,
With nothing to say.

Why did the wind whisper
It's words so harsh,
As I lie lonely,
In this marsh,
A lost virgin,
In a forgotten story,
Her life will begin.

When he gets glory,
And her red rose,
Falls out,
Left alone for,
Her lips to shout,
Why did the white tree,
Stop and talk to me.

Okay good job this rimed and sounded good.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jon~ :pirate3:




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Tue May 14, 2013 2:02 am
caeai wrote a review...



Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me(question mark)
Why did the red rose
Fly away(comma)
Leaving me behind
With nothing to say(question mark)

Why did the wind whisper(comma)
It(No apostrophe! This is possessive, not plural!)'s words so harsh(comma)
As I lie(comma) lonely(comma)
In this marsh(...question mark{I'm not sure about this one because you didn't do your own punctuation. When you leave punctuation to someone else, you leave a way to impress the reader out. The punctuation matters, can entirely change the way a reader will interpret something. It's your job, as the author, to leave the image that you want the reader to have, and you fail at that job when you depend on others to assume what you want said and use punctuation to get that across.})
A lost virgin
In a forgotten story(...comma or semi colon{Again, if you don't choose your own punctuation, I can't be sure.})
Her life will(I feel like your flow would benefit with a 'finally' here.{If you add the 'finally,' you could do a comma on either side of the 'finally' to make it pop out.}) begin(period/ exclamation point{I don't know what tone you want here.})

When he gets glory(comma)
And her red rose
Falls out(comma)
Left alone (I'm not sure this word shouldn't be on the next line.)for
Her lips to shout(colon)
(double quote)Why did the white tree(comma)
Stop and talk to me(question mark{double quote})

Sorry, I love writing poetry, but you can't just forget punctuation. Punctuation can entirely change the way a piece reads, especially poems. I know I sorta tore your piece apart, (Sorry for that! *sheepish half-smile*) but punctuation is something for which I like to think I have a knack.
Hope I helped!
~Caeai




fruit4you says...


hehe thanks! I've never been one for punctuation.



caeai says...


Sorry I went on spiel. But I really can't decide how to punctuate something because I'm not the author. Leaving the punctuation off leaves your poem ambiguous, and the reader could take any meaning from it.



fruit4you says...


Yeah personally I like ambiguity. My favorite poets are William Carlos William and Emily Dickinson. But I do get what you're saying. I just like to let the reader find their own story within mine.



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Tue May 14, 2013 12:46 am
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Catnip says...



Hi ^-^
Firstly I have to say that the reason I clicked this piece over others, was because of its lovely name "The White Tree" >.< Sooo intriguing for me personally. But anyhoo, as far as the piece goes....
"Why did the white tree
Stop and talk to me?"
The first sentence, the first words, of ANY piece of writing are sooo important. I always watch for that--and you did a wonderful job ^-^ and then I loved how it was also the closing lines of the piece, too. It wrapped it up beautifully.
I can't give you any advice on how to improve it, though lol I'm not just giving you a false little note of encouragement, it's really wonderful and I can't claim that my writing skills are superior to this piece lol sorry I'm no help m-.-m

Catnip~




fruit4you says...


Hehe I know how you feel. I hate when there's nothing I can say to improve some one's writing. Don't worry I've learned not to take compliments about my writings to my head. I'm glad you liked it :)



Catnip says...


Aw, you're so sweet :p you should take it to your head a little lol you're writing isn't inferior to any other person's piece that I've read on here. And also, you're still young, and to have the skill that you DO have at this age, is really admirable. The more you write, the better you'll get. So never stop =3



fruit4you says...


Dawww :p Thanks sweety! And I will never stop writing, even if I'm paralyzed....



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Tue May 14, 2013 12:34 am
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cgirl1118 wrote a review...



Wow! Amazing job! *claps hands* This was just so amazing and I don't even have anything to correct! It was so..I don't even have words. I love the rhyming and just everything. My favorite line was "Why did the wind whisper, It's words so harsh". I interpreted that one in my way which is probably not what you thought. I interpreted it as the fact that the wind could've been strong enough for one to feel coldness. How did you interpret it? I would like to know. Again great poem, love the rhyming and everything.

Happy Writing,
Cgirl




fruit4you says...


Awww thanks! :3 Well wind is a big symbol in my writing. To me when I talk about wind I usually use it for the voices we all have in our heads. I do it because wind makes sounds and often sounds like small words. If that makes sense at all....? The wind is just myself and the world telling me what I did wrong as I sit alone in a marsh (a sad lonely place) I mean I want you to interpret it your way. I wrote it for what was in my mind and its for me but whatever comes to your mind is right to. Thats kinda how I write my poems. I lke to have multiple meanings... Sorry for blabbing. Thanks again! :)



cgirl1118 says...


Thanks for making it clearer! That's pretty cool how you junk of wind that way!




Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana