Hey!
So, this is an interesting poem, and I really enjoyed it.
I don't have too many problems with it, it is humorous and also serious at the same time.
One thing which I would possibly work on is the layout. I'm not sure if you meant for it to be one whole stanza, but I suggest maybe breaking it up into 2 or even 3 stanzas. Simply because you change the focus of the poem half way through, and having it in the same stanza just doesn't quite work. Let me know if you need help with formatting or anything!
Another thing which you could possibly fix up just a tad is the flow of it. Due to your lack of punctuation, which is fine, it can make it a bit messy to read. But if you choose to put stanzas in that will make it a bit easier.
I do really like what you have done here, and how you have taken a normally rather sinister topic and made it more lightnearted, yet still retained some of that sadness and difficulty that comes with ageing.
Keep up the good work, and if you have any questions just let me know!
Nargles xx
Points: 7136
Reviews: 191
Donate