Powdered caps
And lovely naps
The hip bone
That burns
The heavy loan
To earn
The thoughtful groan
Tedious work
And days of…
And days of…
And days…
Days…
Now,
There is nothing
No teeth
Just pudding
Gritty eyes
Cannot see
But you try
Not to be
But there
Will never be
Not you
Not me
As old
And as tired
The days are cold
And numbered
But no
Not remembered
And lowered softly
Dirt,
With no one
To mourn.
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140,766 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey!
So, this is an interesting poem, and I really enjoyed it.
I don't have too many problems with it, it is humorous and also serious at the same time.
One thing which I would possibly work on is the layout. I'm not sure if you meant for it to be one whole stanza, but I suggest maybe breaking it up into 2 or even 3 stanzas. Simply because you change the focus of the poem half way through, and having it in the same stanza just doesn't quite work. Let me know if you need help with formatting or anything!
Another thing which you could possibly fix up just a tad is the flow of it. Due to your lack of punctuation, which is fine, it can make it a bit messy to read. But if you choose to put stanzas in that will make it a bit easier.
I do really like what you have done here, and how you have taken a normally rather sinister topic and made it more lightnearted, yet still retained some of that sadness and difficulty that comes with ageing.
Keep up the good work, and if you have any questions just let me know!
Nargles xx
Yeah... I put stanzas, but when I posted it it changed back to the original format... Thanks for your assessment!
It's dark and comical. I love that in poetry, it shows how we all think of even the sad things as being intriguing or find them funny. It flows very well and I enjoyed reading it. You did well with this style and this genre.
Thank you so much!
Hi, Legy here,
Darkly funny! I like it! My favourite genre of writing. It's great to focus on meaningful ideas without putting to much agony into it, and siding it with a nice laugh. Then you can look at the idea without collapsing into a ball of misery and just enjoy the piece.
The structure didn't bother me too much, so don't freak out haha. A bit more punctuation could be added but it's not absolutely paramount. Have you read Cormac McCarthy? He literally has no punctuation, so if he doesn't then I'm not going to pick on your work!
It's nice you can make a joke out of something many people fear. Good job.
Legy.
Ughhh... I separated them into stanzas. I don't know why it put it back into one whole thing.... Hmph
I made a review on formatting poetry on my old account- How to format your poetry on YWS