Published April 11, 2009
A grey and blinding fog had settled round
A blanket smoth'ring sight and sense alike.
And my attempts to reason were unsound
I could but stumble blindly in the night.
My staring yielded naught but mist and grey
But something slipped around me from behind.
And as I turned, some sunshine lit the day
Dispelling that which yet had made me blind.
You stood in dusty golden motes of sun
A goddess just descended from above.
And only had my sorrows yet begun
For you did not, and shan't, return my love.
If nevermore do mists curl round mine eyes
Love's claws shall never take me by surprise.
Thanks for reading.
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Thanks, y'all, for your words and wisdom. =)
Ms. Hart, I'll definitely check out that anthology - I LOVE sonnets. I was tempted to memorize all of Shakespeare's but I decided that might be a little much. XD
I'll definitely work on the 4th line - after I wrote it, I thought it was a little stale.
And after all, with just 14 lines, everything has to be perfect.
Thank you again!
Hi there! ^^
This poem simply blew me away. I was caught up in your wonderful use of language and the great rhythm in it. And yet, it flows so well. It also sounds as if a 16th-18th century poet wrote it. ^^
Like ScriboErgoSum said above, the topic of unrequited love is not uncommon, but this poem freshened the whole thing. I also really love the last couplet; it's really something powerful.
Great work, and keep it up! Oh yes, and a gold star!
Hello there!
I must say, your rhythm is perfect in this sonnet. It flows really nicely. That's hard to do - good job. You've also used the language really well. It reads like something that might have been written several hundred years ago, and it feels genuine, not forced. Good stuff.
The topic of unrequited love isn't new, as I'm sure you know, but the way you've written it makes it fresh and interesting to read. I love the line "You stood in dusty golden motes of sun," and the last couplet, as Jasmine Hart already pointed out, is great.
I can't really find anything that could use improving. Good job! Keep writing.
Yay, a sonnet! I love sonnets. If you're interested in them,there's a brilliant anthology called "No Bliss Like This", which is definitely worth a read.
Your meter is perfect and you manage the rhyme well. It begins well, I'd add a dash or a colon after the third line. I'd rewrite line four, to make it fresher, as the imagery in this line could be stronger. I'd also change "some sunshine lit the day", as it sounds a bit forced.
I really loved;
"You stood in dusty golden motes of sun
A goddess just descended from above.
And only had my sorrows yet begun
For you did not, and shan't, return my love."
The last couplet was powerful and effective. I look forward to reading you again.
Jas