Insomniac's Reality

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this piece tries and it's evident and for a first attempt it's pretty valid, I could even argue it's a valiant attempt. There even some promising lines that really prove you have potential but you still made some careless errors, but for now I shall begin with positive.

I’m haunted from a distance,
By what I desire most,
Held in discussion with an unseen ghost.

Very powerful image to truly establish what your writing about, this really captures it to a 't' and proves the belief of mine that you have major potential.

But the second stanza isn't so strong it seems kinda lazy (no pun intended) from what you wrote before and it really doesn't add anything to the feeling or message of said poem it just there, and pretty much a waste in long run.

The third stanza I've no idea what one is your main one, there is so many and I can only really review what I can guess, I love the line 'Dear master of the moon' but to really show the desperation I suggest using 'Please' it's a much more powerful word and really addresses what you wish.

Overall, I wanna come back to this, when I've a clear idea of which stanza is actually the third stanza, but as of now my opinion is second stanza useless and the most powerful one right now is number one. Other than that, not much I can say.

Hope this helps.

P.S: When it's clear what stanza I'm supposed to be reviewing pm me.

fromnz wrote:Insomniacs reality

Night upon night,
I lay all alone,
Possessed by my thoughts,
Unable to let go,
I’m haunted from a distance,
By what I desire most,
Held in discussion with an unseen ghost.#800080 ">This is 4 syllables off. maybe "Conversing with an unseen ghost." ? That gets you 1 syllable off.

The sounds of the night,
Penetrate my room,
Teasing me of which others,
Can achieve so soon,

Dear master of the moon,
Don’t you see?
I am being driven mad,
By these thoughts inside me,
This is my life,#800080 ">You don't need this line.
An insomniac's reality.#800080 ">or this line. The title lets the reader know what your poem is going to be about, so there's no need to include the exact words of your poem's title in your poem. I mean, you CAN, but it's a pet peeve of mine when writers do this. It ruins it a little for me.

fromnz wrote:Dear master of the moon,
Don’t you see?
I am being driven mad,
By these thoughts inside me,
This is my life,#800080 ">this line...
An insomniac's reality#800080 ">And this line would flow correctly if you didn't have "Don't you see?" previously written. It throws off the whole rhyming scheme of the poem.

Great job on your first poem! I really, really like it

I can connect with this. Two of my close friends are insomniacs, and I have symptoms of hypersomnia, which is over sleeping (basically the opposite of insomnia).

Anyway... Keep writing poetry! I'd like to see what else you come up with (: