Oddly enough, I can’t picture a future for myself.
I am blind, looking into the foreseeable future.
Unhealthy doses of corporational enslavement ideologies was what I was raised on. A purposeful life, working from eight in the morning to seven at night, I was taught. Productivity has no room for individuality, I learn. My worth, built upon the number of people I can undermine. Climb off others' failure, taking success from those just like me.
Clear paths were constructed for me to follow. Possibilities were no more than illusions, immature visions never to be fulfilled. And so it began, endless hours of studying and working. Endless hours of mindless spiraling. Endless hours of shutting down ideas beyond that of the template. Suppress it, the temptation of differentiating.
But these fruitless endeavors came with consequences, as does everything else in life. Maybe my punishment was not put in effect right away, but I sure do feel the effects today. At the time, the past, increasing amounts of self righteousness blinded any strands of common sense left. Qualities I had possessed, stubbornness and ignorance, were the foundation for a road of crumbling pavement, and liquid gravel. Concrete flowing through my grasp like grains of sand. Years later, the roads have collapsed into roaring rivers, leading to the ocean. When the final destination is met, my self demise begins. All I know is that I can’t reach the ocean. It’s all over if I do.
I think there’s a name for people like me, I don’t know it though.
Caught up in the moment, I had never asked myself if this was what I wanted. Slowly walking towards my inevitable expiration. Somehow, the expression of life had become: destination > present. And when the seed of doubt was planted in my mind, it grew. A seedling grew into the Amazon rainforest.
Could this singular doubt be the reason I can no longer trust anything? Could this singular doubt be the reason my motivation has all but diminished? Could this singular doubt be the reason a significant divide has been growing between dreams and reality has been thriving in my mind?
It is very likely.
I was watching a documentary when I realized my life was a waste. Ha ha. A girl, a boy, and their dog traveled across North and South America in a renovated school bus. I knew something was wrong when I caught myself pushing thoughts of longing from my mind. I knew something was wrong when I caught myself putting shame upon the idea of a non structured life, even though the very thought of it appealed to my senses. Hypocrisy is the worst disease.
The Amazon rainforest is being destroyed, tree by tree.
Perhaps realizing you were living a real-life marketing scam can take a toll. Why is this the state of our existence? To look at the world today, is to look at a flaming plane flying straight down into the darkest layer of the ocean. We have gotten lost along the way. That is to say, there might not be any hope after all. A miracle is what it would cost, to save us all. Write me a relatable analogy please.
With that said, even the darkest mindsets didn’t control me forever. They never left, I doubt they ever will, but they moved aside. Much of my current life is shaped around my understanding of the conflicting mindsets. And finding that balance, even if it is rather disturbing, saved me.
The best moments were unplanned, without past conduct. A perfectly orchestrated party darkens the mood, making me cry when I think no one is looking. Pitying someone else hurts more than self pity. But moving past that pity, turning it into understanding—
Maybe I was better off concealing the entrance to my mind.
I was better off. Please don’t make me think.
Because I couldn’t answer your question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”