Okay this is my first time putting one of my writing here. Hope you guys like it.
If life is a gift,
O, why then is it taken?
We take our first breath into the world,
Just to take our last breath one day.
Life is what causes people to die in this cruel world.
Death lingers above us,
Since the day were born.
Waiting to strike,
Waiting to catch us off guard.
Some of us are lucky.
Lucky to withstand it,
And have a second chance.
I’m one of those special people
… But I know He is not finished with me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
Hello, Fries!
You had a good concept; a wonderful message, one that someone could really ponder over. Though the message is wonderful, your rythm is off. It didn't flow very well; the first stanza seemed forced and the sections after that follwed no specific pattern. Not neccesarily speaking of rhyming, not all poems rhyme, I speak more of the count and beat of the poem. For example: Fire and Ice by Robert Frost- Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say, that destruction of ice is also great. And would suffice.- Aside from the rhyming aspect, this has a very nice flow. Wouldn't you agree? So, just work on making your poem read well, when-or if- you do so I would be elated to read the improved version. Please, feel free to PM me with any questions you have reguarding my review, or any general questions about YWS.
Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns x)
Hi. I'm Layla. I liked your Poem it was really cool, but I just want to point out a few things.
In the first verse you go from describing in hardcore detail, but then on the last stanza, it's just kind of...blah.
The line where you're like "life is what causes people.....", gets your poem offbeat. It messed up the whole Poem. Don't get me wrong, I like what you have to say, but it's just too long compared to the other stanzas.
"death lingers above us, ...." you don't this comma because of the way you phrased the next stanza.
"since the day we are born..." are should be were because it's past tense.
The next two parts are okay, but in the last one when you say "he", If you are talking about God, He should have a capital H.