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Young Writers Society



The red eyes of a nightmare.

by frenchyrude


(I know this may be a bit confusing. If you have any questions, please ask me. And feel free to critique - I won't take it badly. I hope that you'll enjoy my story.)

I woke up to the feeling of warmth.

“Hum!” I turned to bring myself closer to Bobby’s body. Cuddling with him. I lift my face to receive the kiss I knew he would give me. Nothing came. I open my eyes to see if he was awake. He was, except that it was not Bobby. It was a man. He was very handsome, but was missing the soft expression that Bobby had.

No, it wasn’t Bobby, but how could that be? I somehow remember being with Bobby that night. He had said that he loved me. Then I had fallen asleep in his arm.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Only then I dare to open them again. The man was still there. He was looking at me. He eyes were red shining brightly.

I screamed, but no sound came. Then I try to work myself free of his arm, but the more I move, the more his arm closed around me. All my effort was in vain; I was still press against his warm chest.

“Shhh!” He said. His voice was smoothing and gentle, somehow familiar.

“It ok baby, it’s me.”

That when I recognize his voice. I could have recognized his voice anywhere.

“Bobby?” I asked. My own voice sounded weak to my ear.

“Yes, it’s me. Everything’s fine.” He voice was so soft, so smoothing. My head was spinning I had a hard time concentrating. I close my eyes.

“ That’s my girl.” He added very softly. He said it over and over like a song. I was falling asleep. But something was bothering me. Was it really Bobby? It sounded like Bobby. But he looked so different. It’s ok, it doesn’t matter, a small voice in my head say just sleep. But I had to know. So I murmur

“You look so different. How come you look so different?”

“Don’t worry about it baby. It’s me. You believe me right?” He voice was putting me to sleep. It was so lovely. I still answer him a weak yes.

“I’m so sleepy” I add a moment after. He finger was tracing my face slowly again and again.

“Yes, you sleep.” He murmured in my ear. “Sleep.”

I stop to thing at that moment and let myself drift into sleep. But something deep inside me told me to look up. I didn’t want to. I was so comfortable. But I had to look. With a great effort I open my eyes.

The first thing I notice was that two red eyes were staring at my wildly and somehow surprise. The second thing saw that now that I was awake, I could feel something warm and wet was sliding down on my neck. Third thing was that the man in front of me had fangs. A drop of blood -my blood! - fell from the fang on my face.

I close my eyes shut and scream. This couldn’t be Bobby. How could she have thought it was? He looks nothing like the warm and happy Bobby. I screamed again and yelled.

“BOBBY!”

Something shook me

“Wake up, wake up. Sam for goodness sake, wake up!”

It was Bobby voice. His real voice not the one she had heard just a moment ago, when it had been smooth and dreamy like. It must have been a dream.

“ I had a terrible dream,” I murmur to Bobby. I could hear Bobby chuckle quietly.

“ I would say you were screaming bloody murder like a maniac!”

“It was horrible, they was the vampire and…”

“Shhh! It’s over now I’m here.” He pulled me close to him in a protective and possessive way. Somehow it reminded me of my earlier dream. I look up at Bobby face.

“ I’m glad…” I stopped in mid sentence. For my eyes had met his! And they were as red as red can be. He laugh, I could see fangs in mouth.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh” was the only sound I was able to say.

I kick and push trying to get free. But I could hear only his chuckle. I hit something hard.

I woke up to see myself on the floor next to my bed. Reality slowly came back to me. Bobby was not here. And he didn’t even know I liked him.

I wonder how come my mom was not here yet; she must have heard me scream. Then I remembered that I was alone in the house. My mom and her new husband had gone on their honeymoon, and left me here alone, in the big house in the middle of the woods.

“Stupid nightmare”, I said to myself. I got up. And was about to lie down on my bed, when I saw two bright eyes out of my window…


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Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:17 pm
Lynlyn wrote a review...



I really like your story. I had a dream like this once, where I kept waking up over and over within the dream... except it was about kickball and not vampires, but... same idea. :lol:

I'm just going to go through and highlight the little grammatical bits I see, if that's okay. The main thing I saw was that you kept switching between past tense and present tense verbs. Make sure you stay in past tense any time you're describing actions, since the story has already taken place.

frenchyrude wrote: I opened my eyes to see if he was awake. He was, except that it was not Bobby.

You just switched into present tense here, it should be opened, not open.

I somehow remembered being with Bobby that night.

Same thing here, add the ed, keep it consistent.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Only then I dare to open them again.

And again. Perhaps "dared to open them" or "only then did I dare to open them"?

Then I try to work myself free of his arm, but the more I move

Tried to work myself free, but the more I moved, the more his arm closed around me.

I was still press against his warm chest.

Press should be pressed - "was" is in the past, so "pressed" needs to match that.

“Shhh!” He said. His voice was smoothing and gentle, somehow familiar.
“It ok baby, it’s me.”

I think you meant "soothing" rather than "smoothing." "It ok" should be "it's okay."

That when I recognize his voice.

That's when I recognized

My head was spinning I had a hard time concentrating.

You can add a semicolon or a period after spinning. Either one will work, but you need something to separate those two thoughts.

So I murmur

murmured

The first thing I notice was that two red eyes were staring at my wildly and somehow surprise.

Notice should be "noticed." The second half of this sentence is unclear, I'm really not sure what's happening.

How could she have thought it was

I guess this is kind of nit-picky, but it switches from first person narration to third here. I would have said "How could I have thought."

I close my eyes shut and scream.

She doesn't have to close her eyes shut. If she closes her eyes, they are obviously shut, yes? So you don't need "shut".

Something shook me

Add a period after this.

Sam for goodness sake

Comma after Sam. Goodness sake should be goodness' sake, since it is a possessive, the sake of goodness.

His real voice not the one

Comma after voice.

they was the vampire and…”

"There was this vampire," maybe?

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh” was the only sound I was able to say.

Maybe "A high-pitched scream was the only sound I was able to make" or something similar. If I say "ahhhhhh" with all those Hs, it sounds more like a yawning sound to me.

I'm assuming you are probably quite the polyglot... that's quite admirable. Sorry for such a long review, but I thought if you wanted someone to be really specific... the main thing is just making sure you stay in the right tense. Which, in fiction, is generally past tense. Nice piece! :)




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Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:14 pm
Conrad Rice wrote a review...



Very interesting story. The continual nightmare thing was a very good twist. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, so that's all right. It could do with a little more description, to help us get into the main character's head. What does she feel like when she's scared? Heart racing? Skin grows cold? Hair stands on end? If you give us these details we'll get right into the main character's head, which is the intention of every author. Overall, very good.

:)




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Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:45 am
frenchyrude says...



Thanks thething912

But it look that our friend have already work on that! :)
I'm sure that you can find something to correct though.
But if you see anything left feel free to say and to correct me. :)

That the only way I learn.




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Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:52 am
thething912 wrote a review...



Yeah, there were some grammar errors in this. I think the idea of using Microsoft Office Word will help you with Grammar and Spelling sense, it has Grammar and Spelling cheek. Or, if you want I can edit it for you sense, I have nothing else to do. lol :D




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Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:46 am
Black Ghost wrote a review...



Hey there! I tried to read this, but honestly, there are much to much punctation, spelling, and grammar errors.

I woke up to the feel warmth.


I woke up to feel the warmth? Or, I woke up to the feeling of warmth? Either one would make more sense.

I turned to bring myself closer to Bobby body


Bobby's

No it wasn’t Bobby, but how could it be.


You're missing a comma, and a question mark.

All my effort was in vain I was still press against his warm chest.


All my effort was in vain; I was still pressed against his warm chest.


As you can see, I've only pointed out a few, but there are many more throughout this relatively short piece. This makes it very difficult for members to give you a proper review because all the technical errors become so distracting. I suggest you take some time and go over this and correct all the mistakes. Maybe even a simple grammar/spelling check will buff out most of it.

Hope that helped! :P

[s]BlackGhost[/s]




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Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:43 am
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



It just keeps on coming, don't it?

Nitpicks ensue:

closer to Bobby's body


how could that be?

All my effort was in vain. I was still pressed against his warm chest.


“Bobby?” I asked. My own voice

"asked" is just a better choice of words when there is a question mark involved. That's what that mark means, anyway.

very softly. He said it over and over like a song.


“Sleep." I stop to thing at that

That new sentence beginning with "I stop..." needs to be bumped down into its own new paragraph.

blood, (my blood!), fell

The parentheses are a little out of place. Perhaps dashes ("...blood - my blood! - fell...") would be a better choice.

screaming bloody murder


Booby face.

"Bobby's face." ;)

End of Nitpicks...

I'm not sure if I liked the ending. The last line just kind of killed it. Maybe if you cut the last line and just left it with the eyes in the window, it would be better. Makes it kind of ambiguous, the way it just keeps going and going and going...

Anyway, this was interesting. The repetition got a little, well, repetitive. The same thing happened over and over again, though I did like how it went from not being Bobby, to being Bobby to Bobby not being there at all. Sort of a progression into reality. If that is reality at the end, but hey, I don't know.

( i know this may be a bit confusing. If you have any Question please ask. And feel free to critic i won't take it bad. I hope that you'll enjoy my story)

(I know this may be a bit confusing. If you have any questions, please ask me. And feel free to critique - I won't take it badly. I hope that you'll enjoy my story.)

I know that isn't part of your story, but it is the first few lines the reader is seeing and you need to put the same care into them as the actual body of your story. First impressions are lasting impressions. And hey, we live to critique here at YWS!

Last but not least: YWS requires a 2:1 ration in reviews:works. You need to leave 2 reviews on other people's works before you post one work of your own.

Anyway, nice work and welcome to YWS! I look forward to reading more from you!

~GryphonFledgling





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