I really like your story. I had a dream like this once, where I kept waking up over and over within the dream... except it was about kickball and not vampires, but... same idea.
I'm just going to go through and highlight the little grammatical bits I see, if that's okay. The main thing I saw was that you kept switching between past tense and present tense verbs. Make sure you stay in past tense any time you're describing actions, since the story has already taken place.
frenchyrude wrote: I opened my eyes to see if he was awake. He was, except that it was not Bobby.
You just switched into present tense here, it should be opened, not open.
I somehow remembered being with Bobby that night.
Same thing here, add the ed, keep it consistent.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Only then I dare to open them again.
And again. Perhaps "dared to open them" or "only then did I dare to open them"?
Then I try to work myself free of his arm, but the more I move
Tried to work myself free, but the more I moved, the more his arm closed around me.
I was still press against his warm chest.
Press should be pressed - "was" is in the past, so "pressed" needs to match that.
“Shhh!” He said. His voice was smoothing and gentle, somehow familiar.
“It ok baby, it’s me.”
I think you meant "soothing" rather than "smoothing." "It ok" should be "it's okay."
That when I recognize his voice.
That's when I recognized
My head was spinning I had a hard time concentrating.
You can add a semicolon or a period after spinning. Either one will work, but you need something to separate those two thoughts.
So I murmur
murmured
The first thing I notice was that two red eyes were staring at my wildly and somehow surprise.
Notice should be "noticed." The second half of this sentence is unclear, I'm really not sure what's happening.
How could she have thought it was
I guess this is kind of nit-picky, but it switches from first person narration to third here. I would have said "How could I have thought."
I close my eyes shut and scream.
She doesn't have to close her eyes shut. If she closes her eyes, they are obviously shut, yes? So you don't need "shut".
Something shook me
Add a period after this.
Sam for goodness sake
Comma after Sam. Goodness sake should be goodness' sake, since it is a possessive, the sake of goodness.
His real voice not the one
Comma after voice.
they was the vampire and…”
"There was this vampire," maybe?
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh” was the only sound I was able to say.
Maybe "A high-pitched scream was the only sound I was able to make" or something similar. If I say "ahhhhhh" with all those Hs, it sounds more like a yawning sound to me.
I'm assuming you are probably quite the polyglot... that's quite admirable. Sorry for such a long review, but I thought if you wanted someone to be really specific... the main thing is just making sure you stay in the right tense. Which, in fiction, is generally past tense. Nice piece!
Points: 1224
Reviews: 172
Donate