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Young Writers Society



The Naive tree

by freenzee78


Twenty years ago, midst a garden
a seed was planted
Buried in the soil
Sheltered from the outside world.

The seed grew-it evolved
That meager brown piece existed no longer
in place of it stood a green chap
So zealous yet so naïve.

The sapling was awed by the human world
It watched the children play
And oh! Their contagious laughs
Could transform a grouch into a jolly beast.

Ten years ago, there stood a tree
So sturdy, so fine and yet so naïve
His heart like a young child,
So illusioned with the idea of a good world.

The trees heart yearned
It bellowed the company of that sweet child
How foolish! How blind it was!
That sweet child was an ambitious human

The tree thought that someday-maybe someday
That child would come back-the child
Would cherish the memories created with the tree
The tree planted by his father.

Five years ago, a board was nailed into the tree's trunk
It said," do not cut trees, they are our friends"
The tree's heart beamed with joy
It thought-" surely my little friend would come back now"

The tree still ignored-still did not open its eyes
To the very board opposite it which said-
'Sway residency-price starts from '10000 dollars'
It still remained blind to the
The teachers preaching compassion yet screaming at a dog
Doctors wanting people to get sick
And most of all, the greedy, selfish world wanting nothing but thin, thin paper from the naïve tree.

The years went by,
One by one all the trees disappeared
The child still did not come back
But many more humans did appear
The tree however remained
It had survived even with an axe in its trunk.

Come back to the present time,
A concrete house stood
The child had returned,
With a full fledged family
But the tree-the tree had died
For it had been exposed to the world's hypocrisy too late.

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863 Reviews

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Sat Mar 28, 2015 5:02 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello, there.

This reminds me a lot of "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein, with a less charming ending. I feel like it's been kind of done before, and while it is a new perspective on hypocrisy, I feel like it moved too fast. If a tree is growing up, I want to meander along with it, not have a sterile narrative of it.

In order to change your pacing to match the growth of the tree, I would experiment with more imagery. You do have some powerful images, but there are not too many of them. Think about what a naive tree would feel as it pushed its way up through the earth. Would it relish the sun or the dirt more? Is it thirsty? Do the humans water it? Think of details and weave them into the poem to make it seem slower, but also be near the same length. Slip them in where people least expect it.

I might also experiment with form. I am not sure if the standard four line stanza is cutting it for me, especially when there isn't a rhyme scheme. Try making some stanzas longer than others, and shorter, and broken up into little lines and such. Try it, and I think you will like what comes out.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!




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106 Reviews

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Fri Mar 27, 2015 3:34 pm
RituparnaBhowmik wrote a review...



I liked your poem , both the tone and the message. i even liked that you tried to tell a complete story. i can easily rank it among some of the nicest poems i have read here today.
Yet like any other works it too has its flaws an di would like to be the one to point them out

first of all- " grew-it" i suggest introduce a blank after the hyphen as i took quite a time to realize it was not a single word but two different phrases. it really obstacles the flow of your poem
next- "Ten years ago, there stood a tree"- i like how you planned to knit the past and present but when suddenly you jumped back in time it was quite hard to connect the soft green sapling with a 10 years old hardwood tree, take time slowly so that you pass it in a haze
" come back-the child" here again i suggest a blank after the hyphen , i suppose i needn't repeat why
"thin, thin paper from the naïve tree." - why do you stress on the word ''thin'' i really don't get it. thinker papers might take more volume and hurt more.i would like a clarification to this.
overall the poem was really strong except for these minor mistakes which can be easily overcome.
keep writing,
rituparna




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Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:53 pm
Em101cats wrote a review...



Hello there! This is Em101Cats, here to review your lovely poem!

I'll start with quick typos:

'Sway residency-price starts from '10000 dollars'


I think you accidentally added an apostrophe in front of the number. Also, you might want to add a comma so the number is easier to read (10,000).

It thought-" surely my little friend would come back now"


I think you meant 'It thought, "Surely my little friend will come back now."'

Other than those two quick things, I think this poem was flawless! Wonderful job!

I agree with the overall meaning of your poem as well. Your true message of the hypocritical world touched me on many levels and I really enjoyed the way you reached out to me through this. The ecosystem lives like we do; let's not harm it like we do ourselves and others. If we can't stop hating humans, at least stop taking it out on the environment around you, world!

Thank you for this poem; it brightened my day! Your style and wording fits the poem well and I'm glad I found this work. Keep up the great writing!
~Em101Cats~





Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare