Is it me or is it me, what's his problem? I mean all i do is sit in class and maybe look off to the side just to catch a glimpse of Breanna the girl I've had a crush since 7th grade.
Who i think doesn't even know i exist, in her perfect universe. Enough about her, back to Mr.Hampton who keeps looking my way just to see if I'm paying in his boring world history class, I'm not the only one who thinks the subject he teaches will useless in the future to come.
" Mr.Lang-ford whats when did the Trojan war start?" he knew i wasn't paying attention and neither was half of the student body present at the time but of course he picks me out of the thirty two.
" Um... was it before the roman empire was defeated?" I got that wrong! i know i did. " i said in a really quite voice.
"Mr.Lang-ford were you not paying attention?. Whats the point of asking, you never do" All i can hear is the class chuckling. No worries i don't care what they say or laugh at.
I look over to my side and try to look at Breanna but she's looking at her nails. Gosh she's so pretty. As i look at her i see her look up. Oh no she saw me! I look away almost immediately after she made eye contact with me. I can feel the blood rushing to my face and my heart starts to beat faster and faster. I want to look again to see if shes starring at me but i can't bring myself do it.
" O k class we left off at the begging of the Trojan war, so I'll see tomorrow"
Yes i can finally leave this bogus class.
Calob my best friend and i call him the armadillo because of his hunched back, We use to get tons of laughs from the the nick name we gave him but that was before.....
"Henry please stay after class, i need a word with you"
RING RING that's the loud bell for you at Haroldson high school. " yes Mr.Hampton" i respond in a quite and manner, after the whole class is gone.
" I've been meaning to have a little chat with you" he says in a way I've never herd him talk before "Yes?" i say. " Well i just wanted to say that im sorry" He says.
Please don't say what i think your about to say, please I'm begging you don't.. " I know it must be very difficult for you to loose your sister that way" he says in a very sorrowful way. I cant find the right words to say to him. "me to" i tell him in a cold manner.
"You may leave, and if you need something dont forget to ask please"
I didn't want to think about it but someone had to bring it up sooner or later. i feel like there's a knot in my throat and find myself with teares running down my eyes.
I pass the restrooms to my left i decide to stop and blow my nose.
As i go in there i see the toilets and it remind me instantaneously of Britney my sister who committed suicide last week... i honestly dont like to talk about it.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
yes i know that my story is full of childish mistakes and i realize that now so thank all of you for your comments....im hoping to get better on my grammar skills because as ya'll (im from texas) saw i did have tons of mistakes...but I'm going to keep writing and hopefully improve on this, and again thanks, oh and Stella your right about the characters.
Hey Freddie, it's Stella here!
I'm noticing you don't have any reviews of your own yet. Get going! Reviews are like food on YWS, so feed us!
I. NITPICKS
That should be a capitalised I.
I! I!
You haven't really said much at all about her. You could expand.
You're... not the only one? Yet you're not paying attention?
whats when? Also, I'm not sure if there's a specific date to the Trojan war.
I!
apostrophe in "What's."
[quote[" O k class we left off at the begging of the Trojan war,[/quote]
Okay or OK.
Haroldson High School.
I'm.
[quote[to loose your sister that way"[/quote]
Lose.
"Me too," I tell him
don't.
Alright.
II. GRAMMAR
I'm not going to lie to you, there are several grammar and punctuation things here you need to fix. Simple things like capitalising I's and putting in apostrophes which I'm sure you can do first of all. Proofread your piece, and pick out all the tiny mistakes like that. Then there's the more complicated stuff, like dialogue punctuation. Luckily, our very own Demeter has written this article on how to do it. My advice would be to read it and use it. Also, look at whatever books you have lying around you and see how they organise their dialogue.
I know that grammar and punctuation can seem totally boring, but to be honest, you can't do without them. They're important to master if you want to get much of your work read. As it is, it's hard to understand and a little painful on the eyes. Punctuation's not just there to be annoying, it serves a purpose!
The same goes for paragraphs. This is all one big block of text. Try to separate it- remember to start a new paragraph every time a new theme or idea is introduced!
Get into these habits now and you won't have to worry about them later.
III. CHARACTERS
So, right now, your characters are names on a page. One of the biggest obstacles to all writers is character development! Me, I love doing it, getting to know your characters is a brilliant experience.
Try, before you write a piece, interviewing yourself about each character, sum them up in three adjectives, list five likes and dislikes, review their family history and see how it affects them, note their favourite things to do and their least favourite, mention any personal habits they have- do they bite their nails or lick their lips. And then show us these things! Show us that they're actually people, that Henry actually had a sister whom he misses, that Breanna actually tied her hair up like that, that the teacher knows half the class isn't listening. Don't just give us characters, give us people! They're the core of a story and without them, it's just boring.
IV. OVERALL
You need a little work, but you'll get the hang of it soon!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi here to review.
@AnNguyenLe: You need to show the writer its mistakes. then only he/she
would improve.
You have to writing capital I when referring to yourself.
EW! This story, sorry to say, is full of childish mistakes which is not a good thing for a sixteen year old. I had to correct the small letters i thing again and again. At first, i noticed it was a typing mistake but then I noticed that its your habit.
The story was interesting. You describe his actions well and made a unique character. However, it showed run on sentences, grammar mistakes, as well as few spelling errors. Also it would be much better if you separated your dialogue for the readers.