Till death do we part

FG508,

I considered your poem to be fast-moving and up-to-point. Which I must say, you have done a good job but from what I have observed is, there are lots of grammar, tenses and vocabulary that you have to change. Your tenses are all mixed, they use all the three of them -Past,Present and Future. That's why, I'm about to give you a fresh, long review to make this story into a new transformed, better one.

Let's start off from the very beginning.

freakgirl508 wrote:My dress wasn't exactly what I had dreamed but it was better, it wasn't the red and gold color scheme I wanted but it was also better, everything was better than I imagined.

freakgirl508]I loved the smile he was [s]giving[/s]provided me as he waited [s]for me[/s]. I gave my flowers to Sandra, my maid of honor, and faced my soon-to-be husband.[/quote]

Here, you used "giving", which is future tense. So, I've stroked that out, and replaced it with a new word. Again, like before, you're using the same phrase, though here, it is "For me". You were missing some punctuation so, I've put in that too.

[quote="freakgirl508 wrote:As the pastor kept talking I silently lipped to Christian I love you and him to me.

freakgirl508 wrote:Then the pastor asked Christian the same thing and of course he said "Yes".

We were half way down the aisle, when all of a sudden he just dropped.[/quote]

[quote="freakgirl508 wrote:They pulled out the shock thingy’s that electrify you back to life

freakgirl508 wrote:The next day I wrote my will and stabbed myself in the stomach, now I’m reunited with the love of my life and this time nothing will keep us apart.

P.S: If I was being too harsh, it was not on purpose. Please do not take me for granted. I did not mean anything.

It's an interesting idea but you need a lot more description. Your short story has all of the elements of the retelling of events, but little of the spinning of a story. If you're going to talk about so much in so little time, I would expand a few moments more, like walking up the aisle, then walking down the aisle, then kissing Christian's lips, then stabbing herself, with transitioning points in between.

You do a great job of putting lots of emotion into the story though, and portraying the confusion and hurt.

Keep it up.

hello.
A few opening comments this is a very generalized story and the ending is a little off-beat with how the rest of the piece went.
The nit-picks :
They pulled out the shock thingy’s that electrify you back to life and they even tried CPR but nothing worked.
-That shocky thingy is called a defibrillator. So by this, if you don't know the exact name of something, you could try googling it first. I'm pointing this out because while most people will know what you're talking about, "shocky thingy" sounds a little unprofessional. Just keep it in mind.

Although I didn't want to, so that the paramedics could work I had to let go of Christian.
-The last part of this sentence could be changed so it flows better for instance :
"Although I didn't want to, I had to let go of Christian so the paramedics could work."
Also, notice that "so that the" is taken out because the reader will understand that its the paramedics that are working, so its a little redundant.

I know that we were in love and not even death would take us apart.
-In this sentence alone, you used all three tenses: past present and future. (were, know, and would.) Be sure when you're writing that everything is all in one tense. If you don't, it can confuse the reader about what exactly is being said, what happened, and what a character felt. Tenses are very important to creating a successful story, no matter how long.

Overall, I think it was an interesting idea , but you needed more imagination behind it; you could try beefing up the setting, the characters or making more actions happen before the climax. Always be thinking about how the outline should happen.

Keep writing
--Ash

As great as the story is, it's too simple.
It's follows a direct - wedding - death - suicide - process with not much elaboration on any of the phases.

The way you wrote "The next day I wrote my will and stabbed myself in the stomach..." make the act of suicide seem normal and easy. As if stabbing one's self is something done on an ordinary day.

The medical scene is worse. It would have been more conceivable if the cause of the husband's death had been pointed out.

The title is commendable though. It portrays the passage well.

Your piece is okay, but not sufficiently imaginative. I think you need more innovation and study of professionally written works.

Hey there!

First of all, I like the emotions portrayed in this! I liked the words you used to describe how the girl felt. It was dramatic and touching. It was a pretty smooth flow overall and also a smooth transition from the wedding scene to the hospital scene.

One nitpick here,
" I was right out of Sandra’s arms"
I think instead of "right out" you should have used "pulled out". It gives the notion of using force to escape someone's grip, like out of desperation, and adds an impact to the story.

"Christian looked so happy but at the same time he looked like he was about to faint."
When you mentioned this, I would suppose Grace would have asked Christian if he felt fine. When you notice someone who looks like he's about to faint you don't just ignore it. Realism is the problem here. In this case however you shouldn't mention he looks like he was going to faint since in this story Christian is supposed to end up dying.

Lastly, I find that this story was a little rushy. Smooth no doubt, but there could have been more elaboration to bring out the sadness from the character. Parts like when Christian fainted, and when Grace was at the hospital.

Hope my review helped!

dude, i think that way you make the character describe the scenario its just breath taking
the concept aint half bad either

adelina