This is My Story

Hi! Here it goes...

I agree with the previous comment about your use of punctuation. I think it's a bit too much considering some of your sentences are too short and it leads to a bit of an awkward read. If you want to use punctuation like the period and others, try longer sentences or lines. I mean, it's like every line in this song has a punctuation. Try limiting them.

I also noticed that your song structure is not formulaic. I mean, you didn't follow the basic verse-chorus-verse-chorus structure here, and it's refreshing...but if this is a song that is intended to be listened to, it could perhaps contain a repetitive part, or a chorus, which I haven't seen in this piece. It would be helpful if you have that in your song, unless it's not really your style, or this is an interlude or something, but it's up to you.

Okay, so the fact that this is under the lyrical category means that it describes a specific feeling, and I think you did a good job on that, but I think you could improve on it more. Try adding imagery. It makes the song more colorful and it makes your writing more visual as it paints a certain picture on the reader's mind. You don't need to put imagery on every line...you could just stick to a basic scenario and build the song from there. Although, lyrical is mostly about emotions, but it's a huge plus.

Also, try metaphors. They're extremely helpful in writing. I mean, take a simple metaphor and try extending it into something, maybe you could even stretch your ideas into a new song, or something...

Overall, I think the rhythm is good. I can imagine a beautiful melody with your words. Also, I think you have the potential to write more beautiful songs. I like the emotion it displays. The lines are good, but try saying what you want to say in a different way. It would make your writing more original and exciting.

I hope my rant, I mean review, is helpful. Keep writing!

-darkangel_05

A few things. One! is this a poem or a song? The formatting makes it seem like a poem, but it is listed as lyrics.... Two! You really should add a chorus, it is like the thesis statement in a song. Three! Very deep, I like the feel of the song. So if you do change it be sure that you don't lose that feel. Four! I really loved the last verse or stanza, it is very defiant and powerful. Five! The first stanza or verse was very refreshing and new, I haven't seen very much work like it. It contradicted itself without losing power, "missing what I always hate" very cool. So all in all good job, keep writing, and rock on.

hello there welcome to yws ...
so this is a very good work that i enjoyed reading .
first off , i'm confused about your work if it's poem or a song .. from how it looks i think it's a poem , but when we 're talking about a song there should be separated parts chorus and verses .
from another side , the idea of the work is so good interesting and unique .
i liked how you started and finished it , it's attractive .
in general, it's a very nice starting in the site ...can't wait to read more of your works
keep it up
smiley

Hey fratros, Subtle here for a review! I like the content you have written here, though it is a cliché one, you have managed to make it unique.

So I have so little nitpicks, like @Questio has said below, you used punctuation at the end of every sentence. In poetry, you can do that but in this case. Some of these seems redundant, try to be concise with your punctuation. Only use them when needed, you don't usually need a comma, period at the end of every sentence. The flow in this poem had no obvious bumps or lumps so I won't go too far into that. I'm comfortable with most of your use of language here, except this one.

Seeing you, I wanna escape.

Nice little poem you have here! I admit to reading it while listening to the soundtrack from "Frozen", so all the words came rhythmicly in a very cool way. If I were you, I'd consider expanding it. The only thing I saw that bothered me a little (emphasis on little, I enjoyed this a lot) was the commas. They just seem... Unneeded. Thats not to ssay all the punctuation is uneeded. Well, off to my next adventure! PM me any questions! ~Questio~