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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Oooh.
This is so dark. There's a very eerie, dark atmosphere throughout. Your structure is pretty innivative, if I may say, which I like.
Very different-like you're owning it.
Can I jut point out you spelled 'dying' wrong. Just a litte thing that might cheese off some nit-pickers, and since I'm not one I'm saying it nicely! Lol.
I am no poetry expert(in fact I have a limited knowledge of the technical aspects of poetry!)
But I can say that I think there's a lovely flow here:
There's a really lovely flow to your words here, like a story, which I think really gives it the narrative touch.
Also, I love the end, where you end on one final short statement. It's very powerful and effective.
There's a real beautiful emotion here. Some may call it a cliche, but I think it's sort of simple and classic.
So, all in all, your poem is pretty in a dark, eerie, slightly disturbing way.
Keep writing!
Indigo.
This isn't much of a poem. First of all, not knowing how to spell "dying" doesn't come off as very impressive, so have your title fixed as soon as you can.
Killer smile? Shining eyes? Been there, done that, and the taste of it is still as bland as week-old soda. Try to actually come up with your own original examples of literary devices. What exactly is a killer smile? That's a bad description that gives no image in the reader's mind. Compare it to something. Teeth like...marble palaces? A smile reflecting and harnessing the energy of the solar system all in one second? Make it powerful, make it deep. Same thing for the "shining eyes" thing.
This poem is just devouring one overused phrase after another, isn't it? Both of those lines are terrible and I've already heard them verbatim from countless poets. See my above suggestion and apply it here.
Okay...so you really wanted to be with him. This doesn't connect at all to later lines when you immediately become uncomfortable at the thought of walking in the park. If you were so star-struck by him, why hesitate? Either you're leaving out something crucial or you just haven't given the continuity of your poem much thought.
The rest of this is empty. Boring and trite. You're telling us a story, but you provide no aesthetics or even dark imagery to back it up, to really provoke the reader's emotions into going in overdrive and conjuring up the horror that you clearly want to present. In essence, I can sum up your poem in two lines:
"I really liked you,
but then you violated me."
The idea is there, and can be made to shine, but the presentation is rubbish for the most part. I would give it a line-by-line critique but basically, what I pointed out above can be used for the whole poem. Imagery is your main issue right now. After you feel that you have successfully described the taste, sound, smell, etc of what happened (to whatever extent you want), then take a look at the abrupt and unsatisfying ending. You just...stop. Much of this has to do with the fact that you presented no emotion whatsoever throughout the play, but the reader needs some closure. Work on that wrapper metaphor; it has potential. Try to change it so that the wrapper represents the hollow shell that is you after the incident and the candy inside is the sweet innocence, etc.
In general, this has to have depth and a meaning for the reader to want to read it, and like I said above, imagery is a good way to get that rolling.
Hope that helped.