The Ghosts.

TheD2 wrote:But in stanza 5, are you saying it is the flashy clothing that you yourself wear and is what people see, or the person you are grieving over? If it is your flashy clothing that you are wearing then change the your to my. But if you are talking about the person you are grieving over, then add something to that stanza better clarify what you are talking about.

Oh this poem moves me so.
You display the emotion very well, and bring your message across without being too vague. But in stanza 5, are you saying it is the flashy clothing that you yourself wear and is what people see, or the person you are grieving over? If it is your flashy clothing that you are wearing then change the your to my. But if you are talking about the person you are grieving over, then add something to that stanza better clarify what you are talking about. Well, that was my only issue with this poem so good job and Happy Writing.

fragile_heart(!) wrote:It haunts me.
They chant in my head,
over and over again,
like the eerie hiss of a spell being cast.

Their voices reach out like thick, lost fog
THAT sweepS over my face,
devouring my conscience.

For those six miserable hours, NO NUMBERS
I put on an artificial grin
and no one sees through.

They never know what’s going on in the inside, TRY: "they aren't aware of my inside"
never realizING the pain behind the faCade.
Because no one sees through to MY inside.

It’s what’s on the outside; YOUR
your flashy clothing,
impressive hair,
striking makeup.
It always has,
and it always will. IT WILL WHAT?

No one takes the time to see into the inside. CHANGE into 'cause it's don't sound well(into the inside)
So I make it through the day
broadcasting fake smiles and lies NICE
before letting the misery get the better of me.

Very powerful stuff you got going on here!

Other than the suggestions that Explosive_Pen gave you, well done on this!

Ooh, wow. An actual good poet!

I especially love the use of the word facade. It's totally on my list of fun words.

It's meaningful and very true. Good analogies.

Keep it up!

fragile_heart(!) wrote:They haunt me.
They chant in my head,
over and over again,
like the eerie hiss of a spell being cast.

Their voices reach out like thick, lost fog,
sweeping over my face,
devouring my conscience.

For those six miserable hours,
I put on an artificial grin
and no one sees through.

They never know what’s going on in the inside,
never realize the pain behind the façade.
Because no one sees through to the inside.

It’s what’s on the outside;
your flashy clothing,
impressive hair,
striking makeup.
It always has been,
and it always will be.

No one takes the time to see into the inside.
So I make it through the day
broadcasting fake smiles and lies
before letting the misery get the better of me.