Perception of lies, apprehension of truth.

by fragile_heart(!)
  • December 22, 2008
  • Poetry
  • Narrative

Comments & reviews · 2
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Explosive_Pen
Review
Explosive_Pen wrote a review · Tue Dec 23, 2008 3:45 pm

fragile_heart(!) wrote:Sorry is just a word,
Five letters, two syllables
You told me you were sorry
[s]You didn’t mean it.[/s]


When you told me you were sorry
I didn’t believe it. (REPETITION IS A NO-NO!!! Very tricky thing to pull off. BUT.... it works here. :D)
Because sorry is a song to you;
Overused, overplayed. <<< Love that.

Twice before,
three time’s the charm
Is that your rule in life?
Grow up, boy.

Your eyes deceived the lie;
Your emotions betrayed the words.
You should have said it like you meant it
Because now I know the truth.

Sorry is just a word,
Five letters, two syllables
You told me you were sorry
[s]You didn’t mean it.[/s] (Repetition again. It worked before, but not here. If you are gonna repeat the first stanza at the end, make the poem longer. Otherwise, reword it.)

User avatar
darko.demark666
Review
darko.demark666 wrote a review · Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:24 pm

fragile_heart(!) wrote:Sorry is just a word,
Five letters, two syllables
You told me you were sorry
You didn’t mean it.

[s]
When you told me you were sorry[/s] You are repeating the previous stanza...
I didn’t believe [s]it[/s]. you=is.
Because sorry is a song to you;
Overused, overplayed. Nice.

Twice before,
three time’s the charm
Is that your rule on life?
[s]Grow up, boy.[/s] What does this have to do with anything?

Your eyes deceived the lie,
Your emotions betrayed the words.I read it already somewhere in YWS. Do not "copy-paste"
You should have said it like you meant it
Because now I know the truth. Something is wrong but I don't know what or why.

Sorry is just a word,
Five letters, two syllables
You told me you were sorry
[s]You didn’t mean it.[/s]


This could be much better. For me, the end of the poem is almost half of it. Try to rewrite the end(and the first stanza also), especially last two verses.



Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything
— Plato