Prologue: Awakening
The morning sun escaped through the trees, shinning on the dark green forest bed. It hung just short of the center of the clear blue sky, awakening the city from their slumber. A gentle breeze played with the leaves, scrapping them together soft and gently. It smelled like morning dew and cool air.
The stream was still, all except the gentle currents from the restless Nymphs that lie beneath. The sun danced off the surface, sparkling like a thousand crystals.
A cat was curled up in the long green grass, his orange fur glowing majestically in the sun. He looked at me threw yellow eyes like glass marbles, gleaming mysteriously in the light.
A small grin stretched across my face. This was no he, let alone a cat. Those eyes, the one’s I’ve starred into countless times, could never be forgotten. When she saw my grin, she stood up to stretch. She extended her tiny paws out as far as they could, then arched her back to the sky. When she was finished, she opened her mouth as wide as it could and yawned sleepily.
“Good morning, Alectrona,” I greeted.
She slowly marched by my side, rubbing her cheek against my knee. Her whiskers brushed gently across my skin like straw. A low, throaty purr came out of her mouth as I scratched her soft fur. Her head leaned into my hand, forcing me to rub underneath her jaw. I continued to scratch her for what seemed like forever.
The leaves shook feverishly, swirling around dried pine needles and grass like a cyclone. Alectrona walked away slowly, placing herself in the middle of the whirlwind. I saw the orange fur start to retract and her body taking shape. The paws were spreading like roots, extending out into ten skinny fingers that were almost translucent. Her body began stretching and forming, filling in to her gracious posture. Her hair floated around her perfect heart shaped head, moving with the wind and the leaves. Her eyes were shut and her lips were sealed. There she was, floating above the ground like a spirit.
She seemed to really appear now, no longer resembling a spirit. She looked human; her hair as silky and white as a spider’s web, her eyes –now open- glowing bright emerald, her dress floating around her thin waist and her tiny arms open.
The wind stopped, resuming the gentle breeze it was once before.
“Ace,” She called.
“Good morning,” I repeated.
She smiled an eye glittering grin. “Good morning.”
She took a seat beside me, resting her back against an old tree and closing her eyes. She looked deep in thought, or maybe dreaming something pleasant. The smile was still resting upon her lips.
“Alectrona, will you tell me something?” I asked.
“Hm?” She replied drowsily. She turned her head toward me, but her eyes remained shut.
“What’s it like being immortal?” I asked curiously.
She chuckled softly, and then sighed. “Ah, dear Ace, it’s nothing you’ve ever imagined. It’s every women’s dream; frozen by the hands of time at thirty.”
I rested my back against a tree and closed my eyes, imaging what it’d be like to be immortal. I imagined watching the world evolving threw each stage, watching technology keep growing and growing…
A whisper tickled against my skin. “Wake up, Ace. It’s morning.”
“Alectrona?” I called, opening my eyes to emptiness.
“Wake up, Ace. It’s morning…” Her voice whispered, and then disappeared in the breeze.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Good imagery! It's sort of confusing in some places, but pretty much everything I have to say is covered above. Oh, well.
Should be through.
Stared has only one r.
I have got to say that this is pretty dang good for the writing of a thirteen year old. Amazing descriptions. I felt like I was in a fantasy world, and I could picture Alectrona perfectly. Beautiful. I see that you're a beginner so my advice is to use other people's advice. Trust me, it really helps. Anyways, keep up the creativity.
Another thing: about the title, I think it's too...plain. I would come up with something more unique, and a little more catchy. After all, the title is what draws the readers in.
PM me if you want any more advice.
Ciao baby,
Dreamworx95,
XOXO
Curiosity has me, for sure, and the imagery is amazing. But, there are some points that I'm not too fond of.
What city?
This feels like description just for the sake of it. I always have a hard time imagining what things smell like in the first place, and this tacked on at the end feels out of place. Try incorporating it with another sense, like: "The gentle wind carried the scent of morning dew and cool air."
Saying the stream was still and then saying it's moving is confusing. Lie should be "laid."
Big mistake describing the cat as a "he" then changing it the next paragraph. Unless this cat is laying belly up, I don't find that sudden change believable. If the narrator knew the cat was a she, why doesn't that show up in the narrative?
"One's" should be "ones." "I've" is present. Change to "I'd" to keep with the past tense. And, I have cats, what is so special about yellow eyes that look like glass marbles? I don't get they they can't be forgotten.
This is a pretty good ending. I was a little thrown by the transition from dream to reality, however. I didn't realize this was a dream. And somehow I don't imagine a whisper "tickling."
Overall, I liked this. It gives a very small window into the overall plot (I hope. If this doesn't tie in to the plot somehow it's not good) and it makes you want to read more.
Please PM me when more has been posted!
Wow. The person above just took the words right out of my mouth!! Oh well. You know what they say. You snooze you lose. Great job though.
Nice. Good descriptions.
Paragraph 3: You used 'threw' instead of "through"
Paragraph 4: 'one's' should be 'ones'. You aren't showing possesion here.
Also, is this modern time or ancient? I know it's a dream, but still...