Young Writers Society

Hiya fragile! Here as requested!

If I find word(s) that are too "fancy" then it's bolded in the quote. If I can come up with something better on the spot, then the fancy word is crossed out and a less fancy one is bolded next to it.

Flash tick. Flash tick. Flash tick.

There should be commas between each "flash" and "tick"

I wasn’t afraid of quiet or the dark per se

Recently I’ve been sleeping out in the living room, just to see if the change in atmosphere would help.

Yep, the whole sentence is too fancy.

I blinked my groggy eyes and strained my vision to see him clearer

Overall, he looked strikingly similar to a smug lion about to steal the last breath of its prey’s life…

Unless formal similes are being used in the book, don't use them now.

The words seemed to tumble out of my mouth like a landslide.

Smiley again.

Mark stepped away from the door, a vile shimmer in his golden eyes.

His nostrils were flared and his fists were clench so tight his knuckles were turning white.

Drop the "were" in here. Makes it more in the now.

He started walking towards be, so I began to crawl backwards. “Eight months I’ve been trapped in an eight by five cell with a serial killer named Vic. Eight months I spend in that God forsaken place. Eight months livin’ offa’ the most disgusting food you’ve ever ate…”

With the language it's pretty clear who's speaking, but with the tag it's not. If you want to make it 100% clear, then put a mention of Mark somewhere by the dialogue. Although, at the moment, it's about 80% clear. xD

When I cringed into the far wall, he took a deep breath and stopped. “Eight months, Bryon, and it’s all because of you.”

Bolded bit- I have no idea what you mean by "cringed into the far wall." I think you misplaced/misused a verb.

This tag is less clear, since we have no mention of Mark at all, while he's still speaking.

Mark started to come closer. [s]and[/s] Since I didn’t have anywhere else to crawl, I [s]started rambling[/s] rambled on.

Bryon!” he [s]bellowed[/s] shouted/ yelled.

Do you think I squealed?”
He sighed. “Naw, man.

You can put this all on one line, or not. Just my preference to have all the dialogue from one person on one line.

Just then, he smiled an evil grin

~ "Just then" could probably be nixed.

~ You're repeating yourself with "smiled an evil grin." Or is that part of the book's style?

Faster than I could protest,

he brought the weapon forward and sliced what felt like my whole cheek off.

And your MC doesn't yell/gasp/do anything from this pain? I know I'd yell is somebody cut my cheek.

probably a mirror, now stained dark scarlet with my blood.

"Stained" is pushing it here, also.

Mark pondered, unmistakably enjoying watching me squirm. "I wonder if

He chuckled three times.

Why three?

“What did they ever do to you?” I demanded.

I [s]pleaded[/s] begged one last time.

“Why shouldn’t I?” he [s]countered[/s] answered.

Suddenly his dark façade chipped away, letting me glimpse into the real Mark; the Mark who was [s]aching[/s] hurting deep inside.

The [s]anguish[/s] hurt in his voice hit me like a bullet.

I opened my mouth to apologize, but thought better of it and shut it. Maybe if I played along, he would forget about his ‘other intentions’.
“I regret doing it. Don’t think any different.”

That sure sounds like an apology to me....

His voice, along with his expression, turned sinister; his eyes turning into gold ice.

“All I ever tried to do was bring money to this [s]household[/s] house.

That lit [s]some sort of[/s] a fuse inside of me[s], so[/s]. I pushed my fear and [s]anguish aside[/s] hurt away and lunged onto Mark.

Mark jerked me around so he was pinning me to the ground, but I punched him square in the nose before he could do anymore damage.

Long sentence here. Break it up.

I grabbed the glass and pinned him to the ground, the sharp ended point mere inches from his [s]throat[/s] neck.

Mark knew [s]this[/s] that too. [s]so[/s] He flipped me over and was about to stab me directly in the heart when the door started rattling again.

Even after the corrections I made I still find this sentence long. Shorter is better in this case, ya?

Mark jumped off me quickly, his eyes wild [s]with excitement and fear[/s].

I just can't see this character thinking that last bit.

He offered me a wink and a parting grin before [s]dashing[/s] running off somewhere out of [s]my range of[/s] sight.

“It’s me, Mr. Brown; your next-door neighbour

If Mr. Brown lives next door to them, would he really introduce himself this way?

But Mr. Brown insisted on coming in. When he saw me lying on the floor covered in blood, he [s]rushed[/s] ran over to my side.

he [s]questioned[/s] asked, his hands floating above me uncertainly.

I waved him off dismissively.

Until he mentioned [s]her[/s] Mom, I had completely forgotten.

I tried to grin back, but my face objected.

I shuffled to the bathroom and spit the gob of blood/saliva mix swishing around in my mouth out into the sink before looking up into the mirror.

Long sentence. Break it up! ^_^

and [s]judging[/s] from by the open window beside it, I had a feeling it was from Mark.

~~

Whew! Other then some style-switching, this was pretty good. I liked the ending, and how it tied into the book's title. ^_^ Nice work!

When rewriting, I'd watch out that your own style doesn't bleed through. That's what 90% of my nit picks are; words being too long. (Which, in any other case, I would not comment on, but since you told me about the language.... )

If you have any questions (or need clarification) feel free to PM me.

~Rosey