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Young Writers Society



Day vs. Night

by fragile_heart(!)


To my All Star Band, whose one (and only) terrible performance inspired this piece. :D
For angels-symphony's contest

Dark versus light,
fighting to oust.
No way to tell
Who will succeed.

Sun versus moon,
It never ends.
Visous rotations
Going no where.

Mind versus matter,
push comes to shove.
Elders give prophecies
but no one will know.

Dark versus light,
day versus night.

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537 Reviews

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Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:15 pm
Evi wrote a review...



Hey Avery. ^^ Here as requested. You already have a lot of crits, so I'll just make some quick points.

:arrow: Your main thing here, as everyone's been suggesting, is rhythm. Or, rather lack thereof. Having a steady tempo and beat is especially important in poems that rhyme, and it's really easy to tell when a poem isn't consistent with rhythm. Here, you have your steady rhyming scheme going on (which, because it's so strict, really limits your word choices and possibilities for any imagery) but your rhythm fluctuates from line to line and stanza to stanza.

Dark versus light,
Fighting to overthrow.
There’s no way to tell
Who will succeed.


Here, for example, the second line is too long for your rhythm.

Sun versus moon,
The battle never ends.
A vicious cycle,
Cursed to the depths
Of eternity.


And here, having five lines disrupts your rhyming scheme, too. Try to find a way to maybe cut out the second line-- it's repetitive with the whole 'eternity' concept, which I do actually like. The last three lines can be really good if you get them to fit rhythmically.

Mind versus matter.
Who will win?
It’s not ours to relay.
How the fight plays out
is beyond our control.


And here...you lose your rhyming scheme? Okay. I can live with that. This just seems rather plain to me. Of course, you can't control this. There are so many things you can't control. But mind versus matter? I don't get how this ties in with the other points of the poem-- day, light, dark, night. It doesn't seem to fit, and it's left unexplained.

Dark versus light,
day versus night.


I do like the last lines a lot, though. :wink: Ties to whole poem together quite nicely, I think.

So, I realize this is monumentally unhelpful, but work on a steadier, more consistent rhythm! Good luck in the contest! ^^

~Evi




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Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:22 am
drumm3r1 wrote a review...



I'm loving this poem. You have a very developed vocabulary, and I enjoyed your imagery.
One piece of criticism; the fluidity could have been better.
And, I don't think that the all-star band was all that bad, and I have no idea how our performance inspired you to write this, but I'm glad that it did.




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Fri Jun 12, 2009 1:10 am
Incognito wrote a review...



Hey there!
I am here to review your poem as requested. Just to let you know in advance but I have no experience with poetry and have taken no lessons so I can only help you out with the things that I know. You will also get a viewpoint from a person who is not in cahoots with poetry! ;)
Let's begin!

I. Content

I seem to understand you poem a little bit. You mentioned that this was inspired by your band who had an epic fail when preforming. I was kind of thrown off at first using the line 'Dark vs Light'. My interpretation of this poem is that maybe it was a battle of the bands?

You use lines like:

The battle never ends.

and:
Fighting to overthrow.

These lines seem to support my interpretation. If it wasn't for you beginning with telling what inspired the piece, I wouldn't have been able to actually tell that this was about bands let alone a big clash of forces.

I believe if this piece is actually about bands and music, then I would include a stanza about the actual flow of the music, the beats of the drums, the strum of the guitars. Anything to make a better visualization of the poem. In poems, what I have noticed is that a lot of times they use a lot of describing words making it blend better and make a picture. I don't see that quite so often in your piece so again you might want to add more small flowing descriptions in there.

Sorry for no examples. This is not my forte.

Last but not least:
Dark versus light,
day versus night.

I do like how you ended it because you combined it with the rest of the poem. Good job. ;)

II. Rhythm

I see with your poem it doesn't necessarily have and rhythmic patterns. I believe that what you could possibly do to improve this piece is to simple follow a certain rhythm when writing, make it flow better. That way the stanza's don't quite seem so disorganized and random.

I believe this is the kind of poem that doesn't necessarily supposed to have any particular pattern, but I just like the rhymes, or similar beats to the poems making it easier for me to read.

Your second last stanza in particular:
Mind versus matter.
Who will win?
It’s not ours to relay.
How the fight plays out
is beyond our control.

Any rhythm there was in the first two stanza's was lost in this part of of the poem I believe.

III. Nit-Picks

Who will win?
It’s not ours to relay.

I do not necessarily believe this part makes much sense. In a literate meaning the word 'relay' is usually used to either describe a race or to tell someone something that was told to you. You can not actually 'relay' something when you do not actually know.

And if this indeed a battle of the bands, and you figured out who the winner was, wouldn't you want to tell someone? It is kind of confusing.

Dark versus light,
day versus night.

This may not count, but I believe the 'day' on the second line should be capitalized?

IV. Overall

I never knew how much I can ramble about something I have limited resources on. xD
But overall, I really did like this poem. It can have more than just one meaning. Not only can it relate to bands that are battling but it can also relate to almost any novel with the bad versus good, dark versus light. It just happened to work out that way.

Remember you don't have to listen to anything I have to say because almost certainly, I am not qualified to be doing this. I hope my nonsense rambles made any sense. ;)
~Incognito




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Thu Jun 11, 2009 8:36 pm
peanutgallery007 wrote a review...



Okays, I'm just going to be flat out here.

1. well, it seems to lack a bit of structure.
2. I couldn't find much rhythm? It seems some of your own punctuation messes with it.
3. I didn't get much of the subject, really. Like, at first you say it's about a band and music, but at the end you make it seem as though it's about day and night?

But! I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes to correct, so that's a good thing. :)

I liked it, but it needs some work. See you around!

~April




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Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:43 pm
Flower~Child says...



I absolutely love this. I think the ending is the best.

I know this isn't much help, but I like it so much I really can't review it.

I can't wait to read more from you.

Keep writing

-Flower-





I regret everything.
— Ron Swanson