Young Writers Society

Hi, there! I'm Daughter, here to leave you a review! Happy #RevMo !
I'm going to keep this short and sweet, just like your piece

I really enjoyed this. It somehow seemed to capture the entire essence of lofi/vaporwave. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but I can really imagine the small universe you've created with just a few words.
I did find it a bit difficult to comprehend what you were getting at in terms of meaning and depth; but sometimes a deep message isn't always necessary, especially in something so short. Poems, on occasion, can simply be, and yours did just that flawlessly.
Your formatting was very pleasing to the eye, and I was both impressed and happy to see that it actually followed a pattern. Themes can be difficult to navigate and maintain, and I applaud you for organizing the stanzas in such a pretty way.

In terms of the stanzas themselves, you've done a very good job here. I love your simple imagery combined with a concept that I couldn't quite grasp--it proves to leave me with a satisfying sense of wonder. I did find that I enjoyed your first more than the second, however. It seemed less clunky and flowed for me in a way I can't critique.

I really did love your work. I'm so sorry that this review was so short, but I really didn't see much that you did 'wrong' or anything I could help you with. Your piece was so beautiful, and I encourage you to put out more things like it! Thank you for sharing, and keep writing!

Daughter

Hello again for the last time - at least until #RevMo ends, anyways.

It took me a second to pick up on it, but I finally noticed a pattern with your formatting: three lines per stanza, with the second indented. It's a cool formatting style that I haven't really seen before, and it's one that I really like. It puts focus on the descriptions in the second lines. It also juxtaposes the first and third lines, drawing more attention to them as well. It's just a really good formatting style that you rock at writing with.

Considering that this was written in January and describes resolutions on a computer screen, I'm going to hesitantly guess that you're describing posting goals on YWS. Maybe that's not what you intended, but it's how it came across to me. I was really reminded of myself when I read it. I write up goals on sites like YWS because I want to motivate myself to change, even when I know it's unlikely to have that effect.

Overall, I would say the weakest part of the poem is the word choice. The second stanza is incredibly strong, but the first stanza felt a little awkward in comparison. It's nothing too major, but I thought I'd note it. Still, your poem is really strong and enjoyable, so I don't think it's that much of a problem.

Thanks for writing all of these awesome poems. I'm not sure if I'll review anything else after this point for this month, but I'm happy to say that I got to read one of your poems as the last poem I needed to become Magestorrow.

Hmm, I like this. I like the rhythm and the simplicity of the words and the images it makes in my brain. It took me a few rereads to figure out what it actually meant though, because my brain got hung up on "resolution" and "screen" together so I couldn't for the life of me remember the other meaning of "resolution" being a resolve to change, and then once I did remember, I wasn't really sure at first how that fit with the screen-contrasting-blank-walls imagery. What I think the first stanza is saying now, in a very plain translation that doesn't really do the poem justice, is that these resolutions, and the hope for change that comes with them, give colour and life and hope to an existence that would otherwise be static and unchanging and hopeless. Right? I like how you've compressed that thought in such a visual way.

I really like the word "scraps" here, because it's so specific and gives me the idea that these resolutions are delicate, and could be blown away or easily lost like scraps of paper.

I'm not sure what to think of the word "screen" though, because apart from the techy meaning of "resolution" is there a reason for it? I get why you'd want to play with both meanings of the word, but I just found it confusing, and I'm not sure if it adds anything to the meaning. Unless you want to say something about how technology and it's associated screens have become such a part of our lives that they sort of are our lives? That seems outside the scope of this short poem. Or is it because both resolutions and computers are oriented towards the future? I don't know, I feel like the screen could be replaced with something more symbolic, like how the blank walls are both empty of life and also walls that trap you, not letting you move/expand/change. My first suggestion would be windows or doors, because they have more outward connotations, while screens are more ambiguous - they can isolate people as well as connect them, and you can't really know which connotation people will feel more strongly.

Ok, that was a lot to say about one word, but it was the main thing that I got hung up on when trying to understand the poem at first.

Anyways, my main critique of the second stanza is that it doesn't have that one strong image for my brain to hold onto like the first stanza. I love "low-light pierces", it's such a neat and pretty phrase, and gives me an image of light piercing through a bank of mist, but I wish it had more to say than just cutting through "fragile hopes", which is equally pretty but a bit bla. It might be more fitting to describe the hopes as something wispy or misty, or even as glass that the light could shine through, to help strengthen the image that "low-light" gives. Or the hopes could be clouded or cloudy, so that the light evaporates those clouds and thus reveals the star? Otherwise, the star feels a bit out of place. Also, when I first read the last two lines there, I wasn't sure if the narrator was wishing on a particular star that they are able to change (change the star, that is), or wishing (on a star) that they can change themself. I can tell that the second interpretation is the intended one, but it could be rephrased to avoid that ambiguity altogether.

Lastly, the whole message of this stanza feels a bit odd to me, because the first stanza sets up these resolutions that will make life more colourful, and then this stanza abandons that image and instead says that light makes the narrator's hopes disappear, and all they can do is wish that they can change, with no mention of their previous resolutions to change and how those were fulfilled or not. I mean, it works, but if I didn't know they were part of the same poem, I would think that they were two separate poems on the same theme. On the other hand, the title sort of ties them together so if you just want them to be loosely associated then it works pretty well like that (I would still give the second stanza some stronger imagery, to make it feel balanced with the first stanza).

Ok, overall this is beautiful, I especially love the flow of it and the semi-hopeful, semi-melancholy mood. I enjoyed reviewing this a lot, the more I reread it and thought about it the more I got out of it! Hope I've said something helpful!

Great job! I really liked it. However, your i's should've been I's, and low-light should be Low-light. Also, "that paint my screen in swirls and contrast blank walls" Should probably be one line, not two.
I also wish it was a bit longer, it was really short, and it ended very suddenly.

Other than that, it was really good, and I liked it! Keep writing, and have it fun doing it!

Good job!