Unfulfilled wishes and unheard screams
Dissipating heavens of silver streams
Blessed laughters to agonized cries
Mournful shadows of lachrymose eyes
Your thoughts screaming like blazing thunder
Your flesh torn by the thorns you lay under
Your fears and soughs all collide
your lips so pale and your tears all dried
I'm still here precious, take my breath
To keep you warm, I'll hover over death
Take the only flame of life left in me
My love is the sacrifice you won't get to see
Now I'm gone, but you're not alone
My soul will still embrace you behind every dawn.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hihihih thank you so much Lumi *hugs* I'm a fan of yours now xD you're awesome!
I think that changing 'eyes' to 'tears' works just fine, Foxy! I'm very much a fan of this poem now.
As always, PM me if you have any questions, concerns, or comments! And I now have a review request thread if you ever want another review!
Click Here!
Lumi! I read this like 5 times and I almost teared up, and I don't know why xD
I'll take your advice with great honour, and ofcourse! I will take your challenge with great pride, you are on! I will change the phrase into something that will blow your mind off
Lumi, thank you so much for the picture you left, it gave me a boost and a reason to write even more now *bearhugs*
Foxy! I love the revisions, though I still have a tiny bit more advice, if you're willing to take it. Check this out, and then I'll take my hands off! I promise!
The deal with this is that "your eyes all dried" is a pretty nasty phrase. It reminds me of something I'd hear from an elementary school student down here in the southern USA, and that's not typically a good thing in poetry! First off, you only have two eyes, hopefully. Second of all, it's just a good idea to constantly sharpen your word choice--and this is no exception! So, I challenge you again, Foxy! Give me even MORE.
Oh, and I'm also a huge fan of lachrymose eyes. Wonderful. Genius, even.
So, for the first time on YWS, you get this:
Spoiler
Thank you so much, you are very sweet! I am very happy you liked my poem
Hey. Here for the review...
But I also got a really good read. I thought that this poem was really good. I thought that it flowed really well, and it had a good rhyming scheme. I don't thing there is anything bad for me to say about it. I hope you do write some more like this.
Thank you Vern, I really appreciate this. I'm glad you liked most of it hihihihi and I will change the title. You are right it seems a little confusing. Thank you for your honesty and time.
Hmm Foxy this is interesting, there some spelling mishaps but I don't really see how the title fits, it's beautiful but it didn't quite hit the right chord with me. It had potential but you may laugh at this but for the wording and way this is written I believe you went too simple.
I love it's subtle, but there something missing an oomph that hooks you, the word choice suggests something more than love a love ballad, and when found it was that, it kinda disappointed me.
See you have a great structure and beautiful wording, but it all seems rather pointless considering the themes, you need to make more of this, because right now the wording seems pretentious, which may seem mean, but it's true I promise you. Try add another theme in, and try make it fit around the title.
Now for what I loved,
By far the best description of eyes I've ever read.
This is the best stanza.
Also just noticed you've no punctuation with this poem, it didn't seem amiss but some people aren't fond of that, as it seems contrived or trying to hard.
My main suggestion increase on this add more than one layer to it and make it fit the title please.
Hope this helps.
Thanks Alicia, I am glad you enjoyed this. However, read the new version, I wrote it under Lumi's request and he had better like it hihihi xD
I agree with kaiden. I have not much to review since the reviews part is pretty much covered. I enjoyed reading it and I hope that you will write more and much more better than this.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.
Ah, I see what you mean. You do have a great point, but it is also very hard to find good rhyming words that can fill the flow of imagination in your mind. I will rewrite this and try to fill it with more meaningful realistic images that can be easily comprehended. I will try my best to satisfy your thirst in poetry hihihih xD
hihihih Thank you, your review is very much appreciated. I'm glad you liked it, and basicly I'm not always sure what I'm writing, but words just stampede through my head, and I just have to write them down. I think you know what I mean hihihih xD
Good morning, foxy! Let's dive right into this and see what we can make to sparkle, shall we?
First off, let's break this up into stanzas. Two quatrains and a couplet...aaaaand...done! There. I have some nit-picks to make and a few suggestions as far as technique goes.
So this 'stanza' is basically an amalgam (mixture) of clichés. It's a pet peeve of mine, and you'll find this out through anything I've reviewed, when poets refrain from writing sentences in their poetry. In a way, it seems like a cop-out to the grammar police. So, there is a way to fix this stanza and make it marvelous--there is. But it would require total reconstruction.
Apart from sentence construction, the rhythm has been done countless times and the AABB rhyme-scheme is a bit boring. But that's all in my head, really. It's just not my favorite.
Now, understand that there is a silver lining to this: this set of lines (not a stanza as of what was posted above) sets an ambivalent mood for the remainder of the poem.
The line in green is my favorite in the entire poem. You open up this stanza with a remarkable image, but then it loses all beauty created when the focus shifts again. Now, I'm a fan of rounded poems, but you lose me here in the second and third lines. But, again, there's a silver lining in the fourth line (and the first, really) when you express this willingness to do anything for this person you address. Try giving me fresher verbs and nouns. Your adjectives are getting there. That first line, man. It's golden.
In this stanza, you really just seem to be saying things that rhyme and have rhythm. It makes no sense. I did add a very simple verb and a period to satiate my craving of sentence structure.
I like the first line. This still, however, doesn't make sense, given the second line. But, I made it into a sentence just for my benefit.
_ _ _ _
Basically, I can't give you many tips about how to fix this without re-writing it. I understand that this type of poetry is very popular nowadays and I probably wrote one or two like this ages ago. However, it bugs me, foxy, that half the poem does not make sense. Granted, it all ties together with the title--slightly--and it all sounds nice and happy, but I need more. I want substance instead of frill. And I believe that you can give that to me.
-Lumiface
Wow nice. Very cool. Definitely a "I'll give all my love to you" kind of poem. Interesting. I like the rhythm and rhyming here. I thought it flowed really well. Like while reading it my head was kind of bobbing up and down to the beat of the poem. Nicely done. I'm bad at critiquing and usually I just like to state my opinion because I feel like maybe it's not their fault if I don't understand something, they wrote it so they know what they're talking about.
Good job. Keep it up!