Here's a short story. Maybe R-Rated. I copied and pasted directly from my word document that has the correct formatting, but I'm not sure if this post is going have the right spacing. Also I'm not sure if this is romance, but thats what I felt at the time clicking the sub genre. Enjoy!
The bitch was about to get what she deserved. His cold, and clammy hands reached towards her. Quickly, she stepped to the side. Tentatively asking, “What’s up?” even through she already knew what he knew. Frank lunged forward again, this time grabbing a hold, furiously shaking her screaming, “Why, why, why, why?” Rebecca responded, “I don’t know what’s going on, explain to me what’s wrong.”
Frank wanted mightily to ignore what his friends had told him. She was too good for guy like him; she was the all American girl. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, nice tits, perfect smile, and most importantly amazing personality. She seemed like a flawless girl, but Bob had told him numerous times she had been to his bar and left with a guy at closing time. Stephanie listened hours on end about all the clues of the adultery, and bluntly told frank that he needed to find a better girl. The most telling of tales was Rebecca’s friends: “Eyes never lie,” he told himself. Asking them, “How was last night?” Rebecca’s best friend thought long and hard, strange for such an easy question. Covering up, “Ah, ah, Rebecca and I just stayed home, with a nice bottle of wine and ‘Sex and the City’ marathon.” Frank knew by the eyes, it was a lie. Questioning no further for fear of the truth, he nodded, “Sounds fun.”
“What’s wrong?” Then a plethora of obscenities spewed out of Frank’s mouth, “Fucking cunt, slut,2 cent hooker, slut, fuckface, whore, liar, did I say slut?” Rebecca’s first thoughts were, “How did he know?” Then, reflecting, “The only thing worse than cheating on Frank, was her selfish, initial contemplation. No apprehension of the hurt, the suffering her fun had caused. What would she think of some random girl that cheated on her fiancé? Exactly all the horrible words Frank just used to describe her.
Just 6 months ago, the night was Halloween and 30 degrees with a hint of snow falling. On the porch with a cigarette in one hand, a Nattie Light in the other, good conversation was flowing. Being buzzed, and smoking a cigarette was something she rarely did. Yet that night was different, everything was fun again. The conversation was with Austin, a 20 something with brown hair, blue eyes, nice abs, great smile, and most importantly amazing personality. 3 am now, most of the partygoers were having the time of their lives, or alone in bed. Talking earlier about their common bond on liking the movie ‘Fight Club’, Austin suggested, “Lets go watch Ed Norton and Brad Pitt fight at my place. I’ve got a sweet TV you have to see.” She obliged and grabbed his hand as they walked to his house. The anticipation of the raunchy situation had Rebecca walking quickly. Never had she cheated before, never thought she would. But in this moment, there was no fiancé, no obligations tomorrow, or quite frankly there was only her, Austin, and his bed.
Finally walking in the front door, he pushed her against the wall. Kissing her violently, but caressing her at the same time, the make-out session was hot and steamy. Kissing moved towards the neck and even lower, and all Rebecca could think of, “Oh my God, take me to the bedroom, now.” Sensing her urges of bedroom debauchery, Austin started to lead her upstairs. “Don’t stop believing,” screamed loudly from her phone. She could have let the call go to voicemail, yet she had to look. The moment was ruined. The caller id showed:
One missed call
Frank
4:20 am
“Fuck, this sucks, motherfucker,” went through the minds of not only Rebecca, but of Austin and Frank. Rebecca grabbed her purse and told Austin, “I have to go,” and she quickly walked out the door. Austin followed, and Rebecca thought he was going to try one last maneuver to get laid. Yet it was the opposite. Austin yelled ahead, “It’s okay, I’m not mad. Let me at least walk you home, it’s way too late to be by yourself.”
Rebecca responding back, “Your not mad at me?”
“Disappointed yes, mad I’m not.”
The next day all she could think of was Austin, not Frank. When Austin called, the two decided to have dinner. After wine and pasta, they headed to his house, only this time her phone was turned off. With no interruptions this time, one thing lead to the other.
“Fucking cunt, slut,2 cent hooker, slut, fuckface, whore, liar, did I say slut?” yelled Frank. Crying profusely now, she barely got out, “Sorry, baby. I never meant to hurt you.” Frank, now for some reason calm, hesitantly asked, “Is it true? Are you cheating on me?”
“Yes.”
The last sight she ever saw was a 38 Special Colt Diamondback, a medium size DA revolver with a 4" barrel and a nickel finish. The last thoughts were of Austin, not of the impending death sentence she was about to be dealt. BANG BANG, 2 shots in the head, BANG, one more for good measures in the heart. Then he went looking for a man named Austin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I liked the idea and the story, and the errors n' whatnothave been pointed out.
Hmmm, I think that it could have been written better, like less confusing and more definitive.
For example, new speakers need new lines, because reading the dialogue was a bit hard.
In a way, the way it has been written could be for a purpose. Is it confusing because of what the person is feeling? Confused? Fazed? I don't know.
I liked the flashback: it was actually very clear and I pictured it easily. I like the way the girl has been crafted and Austin, who's a little more complex than just a guy she was going to sleep with.
Overall I liked it, but it needed a little more organising.
Quote:
She was too good for guy like him; she was the all American girl. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, nice tits, perfect smile, and most importantly amazing personality.
Stereotyped beyond belief...I am getting bored at this point!
^^^ i originally didnt have that, but from the two people that read my first draft, said i had to describe her, and to emphasize she wasnt usually a slut. Should i describe her?
the language is harsh without real name
^^what does it mean the language is harsh, without real name?
sorry if the review seems harsh
I'd rather it be as harsh as it gets, i posted it to try to help improve my writing.
Hey! Here's my review!
New speaker new line don't forget, plus, I'm not quite sure about the title being the opening line. It's a bit of a cliched phrase too...maybe it's just me!
Not keen on your word choice...mightily...
Stereotyped beyond belief...I am getting bored at this point!
Word missing...shouldbe for hours on end....
The rest of it seems rush, and a bit crass...the language is harsh without real name and the characters really don't seem believeable...sorry if the review seems harsh
One missed called
Frank
4:20 am
That should be centered and singled space....not sure how to do that on here.