a cruel reality

I found your characters in the Character Tea Party quite interesting so I decided to take a look. I will also critique as I read it. I will also give you an over view at the end to summarize it all up with what I thought of the piece.

Red is my Adjustments
Bold is my own Personal Comments

So, now let us start shall we?

I.EDITING AND COMMENTS

The birds sing in harmony. The sun fills the first days of spring. Flowers bloom. The insects fill the silent skies from the cold winter. It is such a wonder. I actually like this. I don't tend to read this kind of tense. I would have added a bit more description, but other than that it sets a very happy setting.

And the funny thing is, is that it is simply an irony to a cruel reality. I like this quote but it seemed a little stiff. You might also want to figure out the meaning of irony. I will have to read on and figure out if that is the right word. This is where you tie in the title. I like it so far.

They stare at each other’s eyes. They have done this numerous times in the past and all of it was met with joy or grief. However, this one was different. The stare bore no signs of joy or grief but only hatred and curiosity. What had made this stare change is a long story. I can't quite say I like this paragraph. I think you could find a way to give it a clever ending to tie in the story. That there is just making it unappealing to readers because it seems quite dull. I would have been a bit more descriptive, but other than that, this is very interesting.

They were similar once but this time they are so different. No longer was the time where their touch created happiness. This time it will be their blood that will be shed. That last part did not make sense because the blood is already made inside the body. I changed that to shed.[/color]

They stand almost a meter apart from each other. They wear the same outfit, a long kimono that covered nearly all their body. Brother and sister are now united for the first time since their separation. But instead of the enjoyment they are supposed to achieve at this moment, the only thing both want to accomplish is to see each other dead. [b]This paragraph was awkward at times. I had to rephrase things a couple times here. This is getting interesting. It is quite attention seeking.

The sister’s name is Maya while the brother’s name is Kaoru. Maya is the older one by about three to four years. She is three inches taller than he is. Her short blood red hair falls from her forehead nearly covering one of her eyes and an ear. Her eyes, slanted and narrow like a fox, were also red and the only expression that one can see on her face is cold and sadistic. This paragraph was a lot of stop and go. the description could have been more fluent and I believe that you told a lot about them. Try to make your words flow more by combining sentences. I also think you could have used different word choice then 'red' or 'blood red'. You could have used 'crimson' or something like that.

This was not how it once was. She used to have beautiful black hair and brown eyes but that was the past. This is the present. Her fox-like face and her erect body gave an idea that this is a girl who had seen a lot of hard times through her life and is still living unlike the many who had died before her. I do not really like this part. It seems unusual and un-fluent. You do not have to state that it was in the past. People already got the gist of it from the beginning. You could have given more of her old facial features giving it more to compare to her fox like features now.

Kaoru is the younger brother. He still has the soft cheeks he acquired as a child. His eyes are full of curiosity and disbelief. Technically, the soft cheeks would be chubby instead. People can still have soft skin when they are older. He should also have an expression of some other kind of emotion because from before I got the sense that he wanted to kill her too.

His brown hair covers his forehead, and his large eyes are the only remnants of his childhood What about his chubby cheeks?. His face bore the marks of someone trying to change something And what might those marks look like? I do not know what the marks of someone trying to change something looks like?. His eyes move hastily in disbelief. His fists closed tightly against the weapon, making him bleed. He cannot believe that the person before him is his long lost sister. You could have been a lot more descriptive in here. You also have to watch you tenses. I have noticed a couple changes in your writing with this.

He speaks her name but she only replies with her head lowered. She drew out her weapon, a katana that carried the blood of her former victims. She is preparing. Just to let you know, in most cultures, if she draws her sword it would be clean unless she let the blood dry on it. Not many swordsmen would let their swords be dirty because it could dull the blade and rust.

He called her name again, this time louder.

“Maya! It’s me, your brother!!” he shouted louder and louder. But the only reply he got from her is of the sword pointing towards him and the narrow stare of her merciless gaze. I need to remind you about your tenses. You could have added little details to help paint pictures in the readers mind. That is a writers job, to get their story across to the reader with almost perfect clarity.

This could not be his sister but it must be! It is his sister! No one else has the same eyes as his mother. He grips hard on the weapon, a long push knife, positioned on his fist. This cannot be the only way to end this! This is interesting. It gives the reader a sense of desperation. You can get the feeling of the confusion easily.

They were separated for five long years. He had tried to find her. He searched provinces, towns, houses. He had asked questions from people. He had even begged a passing merchant to help find her. But it was all in vain. Now that he had found her, he is about to be killed by her own hands. This is not how it is supposed to end! This place cannot be his deathbed! This whole part was a great place to tell the readers a bit of the past. It answers some questions and keeps on building up the desperation.

"Maya, what happened to you? You cannot imagine what I had been through and now-"

“Kaoru…” he heard her whisper and looked directly at her. Her eyes were now closed and her red hair covered the top of her face. She lifted her sword aiming at his neck. I was sure it was already lifted and pointed at his throat unless I have been mistaken.

“I…” she continued as she positioned it above her head. She stared sharply towards her brother. All those memories were a fraud. Her childhood was simply a fantasy. All of it was never real! Their relationship, their bond, everything was never real. And it was HIS entire fault! This is just confusing. You might want to explain that somewhere.

“…I will never forgive you!!!” she shouted with all the hatred she has felt through her life as she threw the sword right to his neck. Actually, swordsmen wouldn't throw their swords because if he lives, then there is no weapon for her to defend herself. I would have made her lunge toward him explaining some of the swordsmanship skills. You have to be careful with the tenses because I personally was getting confused on which one to change and which ones not too.

Now the bloodbath has begun. Interesting ending. That's for sure.

Alright. Sorry to gravedig here, but I was asked to review this in exchange for Foxfire taking a look at my unposted pieces of my own work. I'll do this line by line as this needs extreme amounts of reworking, it is a great outine, but it needs to be fleshed out and tinkered with quite a bit.

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The birds sing in harmony. The sun fills the first days of spring. Flowers bloom. The insects fill the silent skies from the cold winter. It is such a wonder.

(Too short of sentences, lacking description. I'd totally rewrite this. Seems like it is still an outline of a paragraph.)

And the funny thing is that it is simply an irony to a cruel reality

(Remove sentence.)

They stare at each other’s eye. They have done this numerous times in the past and all of it was met with joy or grief. However, this one was different. The stare bore no signs of joy or grief but only hatred and curiosity. What made this stare change is a long story.

(They stared/Staring into each others' eyes, combine with next sentence.)
(Drop the rhetorical question.)


They were similar once but this time they are so different. No longer was the time where their touch creates happiness. This time it will be their blood that will be made.

(All telling, should be showing at this point. Rewrite with past experience.)

They stand apart from each other for more than a meter. They wore the same outfit, a long kimono that covered nearly all their body. Brother and Sister are now united for the first time since their separation. But instead of the enjoyment they are supposed to achieve at this moment, the only thing both want to accomplish is to see one of them dead.

(All telling again, make the meeting powerful by use of emotion seen from the characters!)

The sister’s name is Maya while the brother’s name is Kaoru. Maya is the older one by about three to four years. She is three inches taller than he is. Her short blood red hair falls from her forehead nearly covering one of her eyes and ears. Her eyes, slanted and narrow like a fox, were red and the only expression that one can see on it is cold and sadistic.

(Remove the first line Description is too sort, decent metaphor. Rewrite all the passive parts. Both Japanese names, if they are in Japan make the setting more Japanese.)

This was never the case. She used to have beautiful black hair and brown eyes but that was the past. This is the present. Her fox-like face and her erect body gave an idea that this is a girl who had seen a lot of hard times through her life and is still living unlike the many who had died before her.

(Entire paragraph should probably be removed. It does nothing for the story and it just weighty.)

Kaoru is the younger brother. He still has the soft cheeks he acquired as a child. His eyes are full of curiosity and disbelief.

(Combine with paragraph below. Fix passive writing.)

His brown hair covers his forehead, and his large eyes are the only remnants of his childhood. His face bore the marks of someone trying to change something. His eyes move hastily in disbelief. His fists closed tightly against the weapon, making him bleed. He cannot believe that the person before him is his long lost sister.

(His, His, He repetition. Spice it up some! Passive again. Show emotion, speak, or do something, anything to show rather then tell us of this hatred.)

He speaks her name but she only replies with her head lowered. She drew out her weapon, a katana that carried the blood of her former victims. She is preparing.

(No Kill Bill, please.)

He called her name again, this time louder.

(Speak it.)

“Maya! It’s me, your brother!!” he shouted louder and louder. But the only reply he heard from her is of the sword pointing towards him and the narrow stare of her merciless eye.

(First sentence good, but the second needs to be expanded. Drop the adjectives, narrow and merciless.)

This is not his sister but it must be! It is his sister! No one else has the same eyes as his mother. He grips hard on the weapon, a long push knife, positioned on his fist. This cannot be the way to end this!

(First two sentences good, but after that it loses focus quickly. Keep the thought process clean and direct, no distractions within this paragraph.)

They were separated for five long years. He had tried to find her. He searches provinces, towns, houses. He had asked questions to people. He had even begged a passing merchant to find her. But it was all in vain. Now that he had found her, he is about to be killed by her own hands. This is not how it is supposed to end!! This cannot be his deathbed!

(Expand, show example and the setting really needs to be expanded prior to this for the last sentence to make sense.)

Maya, what happened to you? You cannot imagine what I had been through and now-

(He speaking? If so, quotes. If not...make it spoken.)

“Kaoru…” he heard her whisper and looked directly at her. Her eyes were now close and her red hair covered the top of her face. She lifted her sword aiming at his neck.

(Have her say it, focus on her.)

“I…” she continued as positioned it above her head. She stares sharply towards her brother. All those memories were a fraud. Her childhood was simply a fantasy. All of it was never real! Their relationship, their bond, everything was never real. And it was HIS entire fault!

(Drama with no bite do to it being sudden, lacking emotion and endless telling. Fix it up to capture her frustration and have her say something... meaningful.)

“…I will never forgive you!!!” she shouted with all the hatred she has felt through her life as she threw the sword right to his neck.

(Touch it up to remove the three cases of 'she' in this sentence. Captured her frustration at last, more detail would be nice.)

Now the bloodbath has begun.

(Didn't it already happen and this was just the end of it?)

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The lack of background, setting and details really hurt this piece, more so then the passive way of telling everything. It is fine to let the reader hear the thoughts or feel the thoughts of a character, but any action should be active and try to captivate the motion as you read it, never after. It has a lot of reworking to do, so I will send you a PM with my edits to you.

foxfire wrote:The birds sing in [s]their[/s] harmony. The sun fills the first days of spring. Flowers bloom. The insects fill the silent skies from the cold winter. It is such a wonder.

And the funny thing is that it is simply an irony to a cruel reality

foxfire wrote: They stare at each other’s eye. They did ((They've done)) this numerous times in the past and all of it was met with joy or grief. However, this one was different. The stare bore no signs of joy or grief but only hatred and curiosity. What made this stare change is a long story.

foxfire wrote: This was never the case. She used to have beautiful black hair and brown hair* but that was the past. This is the present. Her fox-like face and her erect body gave an idea that this is a girl who had seen a lot of hard times through her life and is still living unlike the many who had died before her.
Kaoru is the younger brother. He still has the soft cheeks he acquired as a child. His eyes are full of curiosity and disbelief.

foxfire wrote:His brown hair[s], that[/s] covers his forehead, and his large eyes are the only remnants of his childhood. His face bore the marks of someone trying to change something. His eyes move hastily in disbelief. His fists closed tightly against the weapon that it made him bleed.* He cannot believe that the person before him is his long lost sister.

foxfire wrote:He speaks her name but she only replies with her head lowered. She drew out her weapon, a katana that carried the blood of her former victims. She is preparing.

foxfire wrote:“Kaoru…” he heard her whisper and looked directly at her. Her eyes were now close and her red hair covered the top of her face. She lifted her sword aiming at his neck.
“I…” she continued as positioned it above her head. She stares sharply towards her brother. All those memories were a fraud. Her childhood was simply a fantasy. All of it was never real! Their relationship, their bond, everything was never real. And it was HIS entire fault!

“…I will never forgive you!!!” she shouted with all the hatred she has felt through her life as she threw the sword right to his neck.




Now the bloodbath has begun.

hello again,

talk about some serious sibling rivalry, I mean I've had some fights with my brothers before but they have never gotten that serious.

but beyond that it makes for a very interesting plot,

what could possibly have happened to make a sister hate her brother so much?

you did close instead of closed again when you describe how her eyes are close
it not that big of a deal, other then that everything looks good

i really like how you can set a mood in these different times and realities, i can only about the present.

thanks for the review, i need all the feedback I can, I'm always second guessing myself

keep writing-later