The Nature of Man: Envy

LOVED the imagery. Parts were a little confusing, like when you said the part about when his head fell from his body... The way you described his appearance was very clever. For a short story, you managed to fit a lot of description in it without it becoming boring or having the whole story setting the scene. A little scary too. Clever

You asked me not to do a grammar crit, so I won't. I'll just write what I usually put at the end of my other reviews - my overall thoughts and stuff.

First up, your first paragraph is a little too heavy on description for my taste. I think it would work better if you put the last sentence of that paragraph - "Among the dark woods, Cicero walked." - first. If you do that, I think it would make everything more interesting.

In fact, your writing style is quite description-heavy. I'm pretty weak on description so I can't really crit you on that, but I can say this - some parts of the story felt really slow because of the ton of description.

You need to play around with your sentence structure sometimes, because occasionally it felt monotonous. He did this. He did that. Switch the patterns. Blank-ing, he blanked. Or something.

This story is very imagery-heavy (but oddly, it doesn't cross into purple prose, and having short paragraphs helped - good job there), but I don't understand what Cicero is saying so I can't critique the dialogue..

Honestly, I don't understand much. It's that sureal. I understand what happened at the end, but I don't understand why Cicero did it. You might want to give him a motive .

I also got confused somewhere there. You might want to clarify things a bit because even though its' sureal, you want the reader to understand what's going on.

So yeah. Keep the imagery - that part is already pretty good as is.

All of this is based on my opinion so don't take it as something definitive. PM me if you have any questions about this review.

Sincerely,

Kara

Valentine

Hello Foxfire. I am here on the behalf of your post in my WRFF. I hope you find this useful. Here it goes.

The moon fell silently passed the thick groves. The first twinkle of morning light fell on the edge of the grove that was still shrouded by shades. Within it, the trunks(confusing wording) lay the shapes of deformed faces screaming silently on(are they screaming "on" the air) the thick December air. Their branches were rugged and empty of leaves. They stretched wildly to the thick fog that fell softly around them. Among the dark wood, Cicero walked.
He walked through the grove lifting one leg slowly before the other. He wore a large black robe that fall (fell)smoothly against his body. (not a complete sentence) All except for a large hump that dangled at the lower part of his back. His eyes were directed to each tree that stood near to him. Twice he tapped his hand on the bark before he move (moved)on.
“Y’ure f’ne”(comma) he whispered to himself as he tapped each tree.

At the border of the country, out looking the empty grass plains, were three towers. On top of these towers was a long large disc-shaped roof. Beside the primary disc (either change to was, or change to disks)were three other smaller discs that spun around the large disc.
As he reached the towers, Cicero looked upwards at the spinning discs spinning around the large oval disc. (vague description)He gazed at the hollow centre that invited him to a clearing in the sky. Above, the wind rumbled (in a)to a deep vibration around the towers. He gave a firm nod as he went towards a small shed at the centre. Slowly, he tapped twice (on) the steel vents hearing a deep echo from within.
“Y’ ure f’ne” he slowly said(comma) before he walked inside the shed. His feet stepped on the toppled door below him that cracked against his weight. Inside, there was nothing but a chair facing a blank wall. The walls were infested with cracks. The shed’s floor was littered with vermin that scampered around the place.
Cicero sat down on the seat. He wrapped his hands around the back of the chair.
“G’ ud li’ht” he muttered at the bulb above him. The light flickered continuously on and off. Its small halo brightened the seat where Cicero sat. He smiled when the bulb cease(d) to flicker. Slowly, he reached inside his robe to grab a grey skull.
He placed two hands around it. He felt the various angles and cracks at its base. He placed his hands over the space where the teeth once lay and through the hollows of the eyes.
“T’s b’ mi’e” he muttered with a soft smile on his face.(creepy)

Under the pale red sky, the morning light streamed from the town. They shot off from the ground into various colors. It bask (ed) the edges of the town into a soft yellow glow. Cicero sat down on a thick branch perched at the upper p-(?)art of the tree.
He leaned his head forward. His eyes gazed to the people hovering on the town streets. Their bodies are covered in clothes far lesser than what he had seen before. Most of their torso(s) can(could) be seen. Their legs were bare.
Strange rhythm(s) exploded from the town that made Cicero leaned (no ed)forward. His eyes looked around to see people dancing. Their bodies move like rivers flowing to various curves. He pressed his hands tightly against the branch. Behind him a loud bellow of wind erupted within the forest. It stirred the trees’ thick leaves and brushing (ed, not ing)his robes away from his body. The wind’s voice was deep and hollow. It remained within the woods not escaping into the town.
As the dusk began to pass, Cicero heard the murmurs of people. Against the now dying wind, he heard laughs and cries, moans and sounds of surprises, whispers and noise. All of them summed up to create a single voice. The voice was high pitch. It was loud enough that Cicero felt the rustle of the last tree of the thicken groves. Slowly, he placed his hand on his torso. With his (other)hand raised above the rooftop of the town, he gazed at the skull by his hand.
“T’s b’ mi’e” he murmured to himself as he took out his other hand. Slowly, with his eyes gazed on the people below, he rubbed the skull with ease.
“So you think she’s prettier than me?” Cicero gazed down. Below him was a young couple. The woman’s body was firm as she led her lover by the hand. The man took few steps forward swaying sluggishly to the sides. They walked deeper into the forest to the direction of the towers.
Cicero twisted his head around as the couple disappeared into the shades(no s). He turned his head back. The skull was looking up at him. He turned his hand around letting the skull to topple to the ground. A faint crack followed.
“It b’ mi’e” he said. He turned his body to face the direction of the tower. With one leap, he galloped (horses gallop) through the thick heavy branches. He stopped. His hands curled around the thick branches. Beneath him were the echoes of moans and grunts. Cicero leant his head forward to gaze at the couple. Their bodies were molded into one. It looked like a plant that was uprooted.
It has (had) four feet that stuck out into the air. The two bare backs twisted back and forth. Cicero twisted his head to the side. His eyes were wide open.
“W’at e’er yu are, s’and up r’ somt’ing” he spoke to himself. He held the branches tightly as he jumped off the tree. His hands embraced the ground before he stood up firm. Softly, Cicero walked towards them until he stood over them. His eyes narrowed over their naked bodies clung together. Cicero let his hands stretched to the side while he arched his head back.
“T’e wi’d smi’e at m’” he exclaimed. The grunts and moans stopped. The woman screamed while the man sluggishly looked back with his eyes narrowed. His pupils placed on the top corners.
Cicero smiled as his head fell from his body. He bounced lightly against the ground looking at the couple. Their bodies were bounded by his wooden torso. They twist (ed)and turn (ed)against his six hands that held them tight from shoulder to thigh. As he smiled to himself, the wind around him gave way to a gentle breeze.

Ooooo! Nice! I'll give you your 1000+ word review after the contest is over, because this contest I assume is the 7 Sins contest which is being held by me. I don't think it would be fair for me to give you a detailed review if I'm going to be judging you on this. So after the contest I'll write your review. But I will say, that I liked this alot.

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

Wow! Love the imagery, and the story.... wow.