They sat down facing each other on the living room. It had a bright red coating that adorned the walls, while the dark brown carpet embellished the floor. Ms. Suisse crossed her right leg over her left. Her left hand held her chin while the other caressed the navy blue couch. Across from her, Tremor sat. He leaned back with his hands endlessly dancing before him. His mouth opened and closed rapidly without a single pause of breathes. They had always done this ever since they brought a live turkey into the household. It was about five months ago-or was it six, or even seven?
Through the small bars Lilth moved closer to look at the painting positioned between them. He had always seen this painting ever since he started peeking towards them. He wondered if the turkey was not the only thing that brought these two people to their usual positions.
Time and time again, it never ceased to excite him. Its corners reached their sitting figures. A land of muck filled the whole painting, except for a yellow tree by the corner. Four pieces of fruit fell from its thick leaves. Beneath it, four faces emerged from the muck. They had long expressions with their mouths agape. One of them had an apple.
“You did what!” Ms. Suisse stood up rapidly from her couch gazing at her husband before her.
He scooted away from the bars from her surprised agitation.
“It could have been worse, Rossie.” Tremor replied calming her with both palms before him.
“Worse? So you mean that what you’ve done isn’t bad?”
“Look, Rossie” Tremor placed both hands in front of him before he withdraw one to wipe the sweat in his brow. “The school has been bugging us for weeks. Emails, letters and visits; it has been torture. If we don’t do anything, they’ll call the cops and when that happens, we’re toast. We’ll be living behind barred doors.”
Rossie stood before him breathing slowly in and out. Her arms tightly wrapped around her waist. She looked at her husband with wide eyes while tapping her feet against the wooden floor.
“So what did you tell them?”
“Well,” Tremor scratched the back of his neck. “I told them that we are going to contact the parents of our son’s bullies and try to fix the problem. Then once that is finished, we’ll tell the school that our son will no longer be physically hurt.”
Rossie arched a brow before she stepped a few steps back. She fell heavily down on a blue worn-out sofa, blowing away the fluff around the orange carpet floor. With one finger on her crown, she tapped it lightly.
“Physically, huh” She managed a grin. The whole room plunged back into silence.
“Are they gone?” A frail voice reached Lilth’s ears.
“I think they’re walking away.” Lilth added scooting back to the bars. When he peered once again, the living room was empty. Sighing, he rested himself against the wall. Placing both hands over his head, he wiped away dried bodies of flies that rested on his auburn colored hair.
“I wonder if Mr. Jelly is having a feast. I sure bet am hungry.” He giggled looking up. He sniffed for a moment at the smell that surrounded him. With a fan of his hand, the smell began to disperse.
“So what do you think, Duncan?” Lilth added as he fixed his head across the room. “Do you think Mr. Jelly is having a feast?”
“I think he’s having a meal now. I can see him eating a moth.” Duncan responded with a chuckle. His purple-colored lips glowed against the darkness that covered his body. Through it emerged his large square-shaped teeth that he continuously licked with his tongue.
“You think so, Duncan.” Lilth look up again. “That must be delicious for Mr. Jelly.”
“I am sure he is satisfied, Lilth. Are you satisfied?”
“With Mr. Jelly,”
They sat in stillness for a moment.
“When do you think they’ll come to us?” Duncan added before his right eye opened. “We’ve been here for ages.”
“They’ll come to us, Duncan.” Lilth paused tilting his head to the right. “They might bring us some food.”
“Maybe some leftovers, the last time they came here, they brought a well-eaten turkey with its head still there.” Duncan said rolling his right eye around the room before it rested to mangled pieces of bones beside Lilth.
“But that Turkey was delicious.” Lilth replied clasping his hands together as he smiled at Duncan. “Ever since you came back from school, they have been bringing us more food to eat.”
Duncan did not reply. He narrowed his eyes to Lilth before gazing at the living room through the small bars.
“Do you want something better than the turkey, Lilth?” Duncan murmured.
‘Sure,” Lilth nodded crossing his legs as he stiffened his shoulders. “What is it? Will they bring it tonight?”
“Can’t say,” Duncan chuckled. “All I know is that it is the only real meat that is still around here.”
“Oh, that sounds delicious, Duncan. When do we get to eat it?”
“It’s not yet cook, Lilth. We need to catch it.” He raised his head up to reveal a purple droplet below his eye.
“And then what, Duncan” Lilth leaned forward.
“We’ll kill it.” Duncan chuckled before he looked back at Lilth. “Do you remember the knife I gave you?”
“Sure, it’s right here.” Lilth tapped the knife’s edge. “I hide it just as you said. Where did you get it again?”
“It was a present from them, Lilth.” His right eye narrowed.
“So that we can eat, I guess there’re not half bad.”
Duncan nodded. “Do you want to eat now?”
“Yes, I am getting hungry already.” Lilth exclaimed.
Suddenly, the door burst open, lighting the whole room. Standing in front, a figure’s body was shadowed in darkness. Lilth turned his body around covering his eyes with his hands.
“Filth, have you been talking tot yourself again?” Rossie leaned forward taking hold of his hair. “We can hear you shout from the kitchen. You’re ruining our dinner.”
“I was not talking to myself.” He replied. He freed himself from her grasp as he scooted back towards the wall. The mangled bones of the turkey scratched his back. The knife’s blade rubbed against his buttocks.
Rossie stepped forward, fanning her hand before her nose. Slowly, she began to cough. Her right hand covered her mouth and nose. With the other hand on the door’s edges, she slowly went inside. Her plump hips partially held her out. As Rossie pushed herself inside the confines of the room, she drew a torch from her back pocket. With one push on the switch, she directed the light towards Lilth’s eye.
“This place never ceases smelling like a rotten egg is it, Filth.” She murmured through her hand.
“My name is Lilth not Filth!” Lilth exclaimed, grasping the knife with his right hand while with the other hand, shield him from the radiance.
With her hand on the collar, she tugged him to his feet. Lilth flinched as he stepped his feet against the bones. A warm trickle feeling followed.
“Sorry if I didn’t took it away.” She looked down to peer at the turkey head between her feet. “I just didn’t want to let my kitchen spoil. The last time that happened was when your old pal got barbequed.”
‘Duncan is alive.” The young boy spoke through clenched teeth. “I spoke to him and he replied.”
Rossie smirked. “Been to the cuckoo department again, Filth. Your old pal’s gone and rotten. The last time I remembered him was when was on the chair bleeding to death.”
‘Duncan is alive!” Lilth shouted louder.
Rossie sighed. With another tug, she pulled him closer so that both cheeks were pressed each other. “Well let’s see for ourselves…as a family.”
With the flick of her switch on her torch, the opposite side of the room a blazed in yellow radiance. On the ground, Duncan lay with his head against the wall. His flesh transformed into a moldy green where numerous worms and maggots feasted on what was remained of him. On his face, his right eye was gouged out.
Both spoke in silence as their eye gazed at the corpse.
“That is not Duncan.” The young boy mumbled to himself.
“You really had gone crazy have you, Filth? I guess trapping you in this cellar was a good idea after all. We wouldn’t want you ranting to the cops, right?” She glanced at him through the corner of her eye “Then tell me, who is that then?”.
Lilth smirked. Against the pressure of her face, he faced her.
“Lilth, my twin brother” Duncan replied giving off his Cheshire smile to her as he pressed the knife against his mother’s belly.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Here I am, as promised. You asked for a harsh review... so here it goes, sort of.
Alright. This entire thing was incredibly confusing. Even with your explanation in the spoiler, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. It was like somebody was acting out a play with twenty characters by them self. You were skipping around from place to place, adding in irrelevant details, popping in new characters.... This was not fun to read!I can't really go in and do a grammar review until you fix this up, because the entire page would be red. Please sort this out, then contact me again, okay? Sorry, but I can't review something I don't understand at all.
--Dreamy
Hello Fox, I shall be your reviewer today.
Another pesky error that I would like to point out:
I would really like to know what that 'object' is. As would your other readers.
I think it sounds better that way. Plus, it makes it easier to understand.
Obvious typing error.
I'm not sure about your changing of tenses. There is no need to separate Rossie's actions with two paragraphs either, and you don't want to repeat, "she" and "Rossie" too much after one another, so vary them.
I believe you meant, "scraped"
What switch are we talking about? A switch on a remote Rossie is holding? A light switch? If it's the latter why in the world is it called 'her switch
Closing words:
What I liked: I liked how the characters are people who are the extreme variety of obese eaters. Greed is a powerful motivator. Though, it is tragic that these people are the way they are.
What I did not like: Why were they locked up for? Why didn't they think much of it? Besides the grammar errors, of which I did not point out all of them, why did the people not smell the corpse?
For the sakes of realism it would have helped if you described that they had been smelling something foul throughout their imprisonment. It would have added an element of mystery. Instead you left us with a big sudden ending, which makes the reader wonder where the corpse came from, for all the wrong reasons.
-Happy writing Fox
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