well...this will be my first story i will post after a long break from YWS. hope you enjoy it though its only part 1
Laine is Lain
People loved the proud Laine with her vast number of trophies all stacked against the wall by the living room from the 100 meter dash, the two kilometre run, the relay and the hurdles, that she had participated all around the country and overseas. She was simply a star, everyone adored her. So when I turned her body around, I knew that there was a big problem; her large cheeky smile was gone. There was no expression on her face except for her rolled-back eyes that stared at me. It was not my fault. She wanted to go white water rafting with me and now look what had happened. She’s dead! What would I say when I go back to Wellington with this news? I would bet that they’ll point their fingers at me. “Murderer” They would all roar while they cry pathetically over her. But what was so special about her? She was simply a bitch.
“Daydreaming again, Lain?” I blinked briefly as turned away from the window pane dropping a burger between my hands. The bun landed on the edge of the table surface as meat fell to the ground.
“That's a waste of money. Do you know how many processes does it take to make that burger...? I bet you wouldn't know anyway. You don't even work.” Samantha took out her earphones from her ear and rolled them to the table. Her two friends giggled to themselves in support of her.
“Sorry about that....” I lowered my head. “I was just thinking about-”
“Your date...?” Abby interrupted.
“What date?”
“For next month's ball, Lain, do you have to ruin everything? First were my song, then the bun and now this conversation. You’re not deaf, are you?” Samantha noted.
“Come on, Sam, take it easy with little Lain. She's bound to find someone. Lain got the looks you know. She's just exactly like her twin with her-”
“I...I am not like my sister.” I retorted.
“My, she’s angry!” Rina exclaimed. “Why are so many people angry today?”
“Because you’re a dumbass!”
“I’m sorry, Ms. Know-it-all. I’m not smart enough to get an NA in English.” Rina stroke her elbow against her before she stared at me eagerly. “Anyway, are you going to the ball?”
“I’m...I’m not going, guys.” I hesitated as I bit my lips while my nails clawed my legs.
“Don’t be a reject, lain.” Samantha murmured at me. “We simply mock you and you’re pulling out? What are you, a retard?” I paused brushing away the blood from my lips.
“Speak up!” She yelled. I slammed my hands against my lap and sat attentively.
“Now, now, Samantha...give little Lain some time.” Abby patted her shoulder. “She hates to be compared with her sister. We apologized, Lain. We didn't mean it and Samantha here is a little bitchy than usual. She’s still feeling the heartbreak from a week ago.” Samantha ignored Abby as she held her stare at me. She pushed herself towards the table watching me with her pale yellow eyes, I stared into them blankly.
“Have you ever met the Rain Woman, Lain?” She grinned. “I did....”
We all looked at her abruptly. Samantha sighed while she leaned back against the chair.
“This Rain Woman business has got reputation around here.” She explained. “Have you heard of it? I bet you wouldn't know. You're too absent-minded. So anyway, I had heard that whenever someone sees a Rain Woman they get hurt. In some cases, they even disappeared.”
“What...What are you saying, Samantha?” I softly spoke. “Wha...What does this have to do with the ball?” She ignored me watching at a pigeon corpse lying at the edge of the street.
“You were not giving me a reason, Lain.” She continued. “So I have to make my own. As I had said the Rain Woman had developed a reputation around here since that storm a year ago. Large number of people began to witness it. Even the government is currently investigating it.” She paused moistening her lips with her tongue. “It is also the new excuse for people who wouldn't go to social events if it’s raining. So I guess that's your reason for pulling out. Little Lain is scared of the Rain Woman.”
“But did you actually meet the Rain Woman?” Abby asked.
“I did. Saw a weird girl standing on the train tracks. She was dripping wet. No one seemed to notice her.” She chuckled moving her face away from the window. Both hands were clasped together. “But you know what she almost looked like Lain.” leaning forward towards the table. Both hands were clasped together.
I straightened my back as I directly faced Samantha.
“Lain?” Rina exclaimed. “Why would Lain be the Rain Woman? If she was the Rain Woman then there she will be too shy to show herself.”
Abby laughed. “Lain the Rain Woman. Stop it! You're killing me! That's classic!”
“Maybe she has a double life.” Rina added. “ At daytime, she can be Mrs. Quiet while at night she’s super stalker getting laid every night!” The two girls paused looking to each other before they arched their heads and began to laugh.
“Guys...what are you-” I looked at each one anxiously. “I...I was at my-”
“Little Lain don't even have a nightlife so why would she go out? That’s more funny than her being the Rain Woman.”
“Sam?” I gulped looking at Samantha who stared out the window. “You...never met the Rain Woman, didn't you?”
“I did, Lain.” She confronted me smiling gently. I began to shiver. “if you don't, then just wait for me to disappear”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I was kind of confused on this one. I didn't get a lot of what they were talking about. What was the daydream about at the beginning? It was a good start but you lost me when you left the dream. Maybe italicize it to make it clearer? Besides, who's point of view was it from? Why would your MC think of something like that?
Overall, there's a lot of details you need to add to make things clearer to the reader. Some back story wouldn't go amiss
I found your dialogue interesting, though, and as I said, your beginning hooked me.
PM me with any questions.
Hey Fox, Stella here!
First of all, you need to decide how her name is spelt. Look at your title of the topic, the title below, then the text. Make up your mind!
I. NITPICKS
She had participated trophies?
I think this deserves a new paragraph.
"Murderer!" they- maybe?
was
Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!
Lain.
Okay.
II. SAID
In this story, you say retorted, exclaimed, murmured... a lot of those words. Don't. Once or twice is okay. If someone actually says something in a way that needs to be noted, then say that. But otherwise, said is fine! Said is an invisible word, we don't question it as readers. So by using said, your dialogue flows more than if you use a fancy word in every tag.
III. THEY'RE HER FRIENDS?
Right now, I'm completely puzzled as to why Lain hangs out with these girls. They're horrible to her. If this is an everyday occurence, then why doesn't she just ditch them? You don't let us into her head enough for us to understand what her relationship with them is, and they're all just empty names. Try and get us into Lain's head, develop the other girls, show us why she hangs out with them, and why they hang out with her. Ultimately, it's all down to development!
IV. OVERALL
Brilliant premise, the presentation just needs a little work.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x