Published September 28, 2009
*okay...basically, this is the introduction of my story...i am not sure, if its a good one or not and i might need some comments with it
This was the part that I had always wondered: How can I tell you who I am?
Okay, it was like this: When everything seemed to appear so strange and sullen, your heart pounded just by the look from a stranger. You lowered your head to keep your eyes away from them. You have no where else to go but the abandoned ruins at the corner of the city, but even there seems a bad place to stay for gangs make their home there.
So where do you go? There was nothing else but the streets.
I called myself Iniyuki and for me, the streets had always been home ever since I saw my house in ruins. The walls had been torn down from its foundations; the roof had crashed on the floor. By my feet were the bodies of my parents. Their bodies crushed against a collapsing wall. Their lifeless eyes stared silently at me while their blood covered my legs.
From that then on, I gave no consideration on my health after I had left my home. I gave no thought to where I stay for the night, nor had I feared for my own life upon the hands of gangs or murderers. I tried to live the best of what I can everyday by stealing off food from the market stalls or pick pocketing the purses of women who walked on the busy streets I call, “Gion”. If I survived one day, I called it luck; if I survived one day with a full stomach, I called it a miracle.
But there was this instance, a tiny faint of luck, where my own life might one day change. I had always believed that I should die under the shadows of the passer-bys. I had doubted that they sympathize me after I rampage the market stalls of a local festival to feed my desperation of hunger. I was whipped with three lashes at my back when they caught me. That was a week ago.
The scars were still there in my back, a remainder of my own fault. It weakened me as the blood flow freely from the wounds. I wondered on how long I would live if this continued. However, at the eve when I thought that my body would cease moving, a woman came up to me.
She offered me her hand. At first, I hesitated thinking to myself that this must be a joke, an illusion brought by my appetite. I stared at her momentarily curious on what she would do next. But she just stayed there.
She murmured something. I could not remember what she had said but my body slowly reacted to her voice. It lifted me up and I fell softly between her open arms. My face rested on her clothes feeling the softness against my skin. I heard her speak. Maybe it was, “Sleep now” but I am not too sure if those were the right words; for by the time she said them I was already asleep within her arms.
Suddenly, I woke up with flashes of light appearing against my eyes, as I stretched my arms way up above my head. I took time at the edge of my bed, rubbing my eyes and yawning before I finally look out of my window at the second floor of my house.
Today’s a beautiful day. The sky was clear and the sun was at the center of the horizon. Below me, the noises of young boys playing soccer and the chats of young women reached my ears. I gave another yawn before I made my way to the bathroom.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Won't go into grammar *again* since everyone before had their say.
I'm glad I go to read this. I am just back from the main idea where you made a intro to your idea. I am glad you started with Iniyuki. I liked her when I read her small description. I am curious who is going to be next
Keep it up.
Hey Fox, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
that then on?
on their back, surely?
Okay...
II. OH REALLY?
So their house just gets knocked down for no apparent reason? And then, of course, there is no neighbour, no friend, no grandparent or aunt and uncle to take a child in?
On a scale of one to ten, how likely is that? The answer, not very. How exactly did they end up on the streets- when the house got knocked, did nobody question it, or when they stopped going to school or whatever?
Just think about it. There are holes here, holes that need to be filled in.
III. OVERALL
This wasn't bad, but it was, as I say, full of holes. I'm also interested- what time period is this, they get lashings, yet people are playing soccer? It seemed strange. Basically, fill in your holes, and it'll improve muchos. Since this is only a beginning, you have time for development, but don't be worried to start as soon as possible. Also, about the woman that takes them in, you just seem to forget about them, and as soon as they wake up they call it "my house". Not a house, my house. Bit odd, isn't it?
Just little things you need to fix
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I think this needs some commas or to be revised, it's unclear what you mean.
Should be "doubted"
Should be "too.
"
Needs to be a comma after eyes maybe.
This is a good start, your language is quite poetic sometimes. You need to use more commas in general, there where many instances where sentences became a little long and confusing. You also change tenses a little, from present to past and back again all in the one paragraph. Keep writing though, I am interested in your character.
Write more! Ugh, please excuse me, another story has, yet again, turned me into a rude person. I apologize for starting without a greeting.
Hi, Miss Summer Night at your service.
Please, write more I was absolutely hooked! I loved the beginning and would love to see what happens to Iniyuki (Nice name, by the way. It reminds me of Inuyasha from Inuyasha, and Yuki from Fruits Basket.) If you do write more please message me.
Fox!!
Pudin here as always!!
So, Fox, I lover your style and how you make a story so intriguing even if it's about a normal day in a teenage life (bet you would nail that and make a great story)
Now to the sotry line.
Just one question, is this really an introduction, because it sounded more like a beggining for me, not in the bad way of couse.It's great, you made me see apicture clearly, almost feel what Yuki was feeling. There were few grammatical erros that I'm sure wthat with another review on this you would catch them quickly.
The sentence is ok and I get the idea, but youy could make it osund different, maybe instead of saying it right way just explain it, describe, a bit more...dramatic.
I think you should palce a comma before nor. I quite don't understand the rest of the sentence, did you mean that Yki had no fear for her or his fate? If so, I think you should rephrase this.
Instead of period you could use a semi-colon.
You should palce a comma before stealing. It's quite along sentence.
I would use in instead of by.
another comma!!
comma before stretching.
I think that instead of today, you should only put It was, since today confused the tense a bit.
Overall.
Pretty story, I liked it. The storyline is nice and the characterization was awesome. There were some grammar erros that can easily be corrected.
But...I totally like how you write
Pudin
On one hand, this is intruiging. On the other its a little cheesy. And please, please change the name from Yuki. No one can ever love a character named yuki. It sounds like a mary sue/ gary stu name of a made-up character in a naruto fanfic. Even tsuyannki-wanihaha is a better name than Yuki. Not a huge big deal, but big enough.
"The busy streets I call Gion." Plain and simple. (I like this story so far)
Really awkward.
Say something about the two sounds mixing together, or else mention them in different sentences. I like them both but not arranged in this manner.
And that's it for me! I do want to hear about what happens next great job. And ALWAYS SPELL OUT YOUR NUMBERS. Always.
I was whipped ten times across my backside and set free to die from the pain, blood loss and infection (usually what whipped people die of, but you can omit that)
Its a great storyline and I only saw a few grammatical errors. I'm really interested in the next parts. Its great build up and I'm really really excited. Maybe you could explain it a little bit better. I know this is just an introduction, but it may need some character building. I really want to know more about the characters life. Keep on writing though! And be sure to inform when the next part comes out!