The New Year will start off with a bang. People will filled the streets. And even if it was not yet midnight the night was already decorated with different colours. They are small unlike the anticipated fireworks but they are still beautiful. I have never seen such colour in my whole life. Actually, this is the first time I have seen it so clearly.
I saw people’s faces. Careless smiles decorated their smiles. The church bells will soon sound to declare the New Year and noises and rattles will be used to let go of the past, good or bad, whatever it may be and let them enter the New Year.
I wish my face looked like that. I wish I could simply carry those smiles on my face but I …
I lay here on the empty alley. No one cared about me. No one even notice despite the large people passing the alley. I am but a nuisance to this world. I serve no purpose and I am incapable of anything. However as I witness the colourful sky, I feel like I do have a purpose. I do not know what kind of purpose I serve but I can just feel it. It is a wonderful feeling to be a part of this world. I know that this feeling is temporary and it will not last that long but I want to hold onto this no matter how small it is.
The winter wind blew heavily against me and I shiver with despair. I will not last long. It will be a matter of time before I depart from this world. I cannot move my hands and legs. They are weak and frail. I can still feel pain from the beating. Many years I have suffered. Many years, I was unheard. Many years, I have been kept on a small cell looking outside at the world through a tiny barred windowpane.
However I take no grudge against anyone even to my tormentors. That is what New Year is all about, right? It is to forget the past and to be ready for a new time. I am ready for it and may almighty God forgive my tormentors
But now the suffering is nearly gone and I will be freed from my earthly bonds. I had longed for this to happen. I had longed to feel the gentle touch of the air on my skin. Even if it last for very tiny moments, I will treasure it.
The cold breeze came again. I no longer have the desire to warm myself. I welcome the coldness like it was a long lost friend. My eyes feel heavy and I feel lifted. As I breathed my last, I…
They all shouted…
…3!
…2!!
…1!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
My name is Iclisa Nadean and this is my story.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think one thing you need work on here is tense. In the first section...
...is in future tense. However, a few sentences later...
...this is present tense. The crowds are awaiting the fireworks.
Other than that, there are a very few errors. Just remember: always capitalize the word "I."
Hello, Fox!
Honestly, this sentence makes absolutely no sense.
Comma after actually.
Ack! Capitalize I!
Take out the letter d.
All in All:
This looks good. It sounds interesting. You have a slight problem with your tenses. You skip from past to present.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Okay, this was good but you seem to have a problem with your tenses. They change a lot and I found this hard to follow because of that. Also, I think a bit more imagery would be helpful to the reader. What were the sights? The souns? The smells? Use figurative language to tell us of the time and place. The where and when. You need to give your characters some quirks so that we can distinguish them from others. That said, however, I did like this and it does have potential xD
so; numbers:
1. You have some nice descriptions but the tenses are weird. To make this good you need to fix them xD
2. Good description.
3. Just a simple mistake. I should be capitalized.
4. eel it? Should't it be feel?
5. Hmm... I'm not so sure about the end, it's a bit too cliched maybe, but it's ok.
This was good, it has potential to be great xD
Good luck and have a fabolous new year xD
~Lostxxx
Hey Foxfire! June here!
Your concept here is good; however there are a few issues with the way it's written. I'm not going to touch on all of them; I'll only point out a few:
This should be "careless smiles decorated their faces..."
I wish I had a face like that; I wished my face looked like that; I wish my face could've been like that.
Tsh. The way this is written confuses the reader.
No one cared about me.
The cold breeze came again...
Those are only a few of the errors in this story. I don't have much time now, so I can't touch on all of them, but your tenses switch here, and it kind of destroys the story.
However, I totally feel the concept you are trying to portray here; an outcast on new years... eve?
It gets a bit confusing. At first it sounds festive and happy and then it turns to this outcast. Not a bad thing at all, but we definitely need to know more about why the MC is an outcast. For now, you kind of leave us hanging there.
With a bit of work and fine tuning, dear, this could turn into something great.
Good job; keep it up.
June